Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Kelly. In my heart I know I'm doing the right thing but tthe affirmation from my cyber pals always helps and I appreciate it!

Taking it slow today. Turns out I only wound up with 4 out of 10 trainees this week. Am thinking this human service org I work for is beginning to implode. These non for profit places are everywhere. All in competition for welfare dollars. Our cultural values are messed up over here. That's all I'm gonna say about that. I'm pushing through. I will see to it that these 4 get a quality training. The recent changes haven't dampened my enthusiasm as a trainer. The gratification I get from the work I do never came from my employer but through the people I train. It's important for me to feel effective. And, of course getting paid is a good thing too. Over the next several months I will need to focus on my health both physical and mental. In addiction I've neglected my body and my mind. We CGs lose sooo much more than money. In fact for us the loss of money was the very least of it. I still read around the diaries and it's tragic how many family members are being lied to. Folks thinking that everything will be fine once the debts get paid. Not realizing what we do to our souls. Coming out of a long dream state. My body has aged! I have lost the stamina to do physical labor. It doesn't take much to wear me out. The house we live in needs work too. Mostly cosmetic. We did manage to take care of the big stuff. I'm sure if our gambling habit progressed loss of property would have been imminent. Still in all I have to say I'm happy. I have a lot to be grateful for. Time to get ready. It's another day. Thank you God.

6+ months of abstinence doesn't make up for the years I sold my soul out and for all the times I lied to people I claim to love. It's a start. What I have been noticing lately is the ripple effect. Yes the monetary debts are paid and the credit score has been restored. I am a member of a club (yahoo). I am sort of free falling at the moment. I will have sporadic income here and there and there are no worries about defaulting on the mortgage or making ends meet. I reached out to an old friend just to talk and his hesitation in responding leaves me wondering if he fears that I might hit him up for a loan. :-/ That's the ripple effect. The kick in the a*s that keeps kicking. The reputation of being a sponge or a leech. This man loves and respects me enough to overlook the ugliness BUT he knows to protect himself. I am never to be trusted again when in comes to finances. Those of us playing fast and loose with trust and then whining about monetary losses have to realize for once and for all IT AINT ABOUT THE MONEY! Time, and trust. Selling out yourself. That takes a very loooooooong time to come back from so 1000 days later so what??? We're a little bit older. What time away from gambling gives me is an opportunity to CHANGE. I don't want to go back to being the person I was before I started gambling. That's the idiot that got me tangled up in this mess in the first place! I'm not all skippity doo dah today. I'm humbled. Most days tearful. I'm weak and wobbly but I'm moving forward. I have discovered that I have a severe allergy to slot machines like some people have to shellfish or peanuts. It's deadly!!

Dark Mood Alert!

However, Facebook is probably a better place to go to surf the seemingly unending waves and rippling exploits of all of the shiny happy people in our lives right?

The sun has been up for a couple of hours but it's dark and raw. I'm watching the snowflakes falling and I hear over the tv that some schmuck won a million on a scratch ticket not once, but twice this year. For a moment or two my mind is flooded with warm gooey thoughts of winning money. Lots and lots of money. FAAAACK!!!! I have a better chance at getting struck and killed by a ducking lightening bolt! The snow, silent, clean, and steady, is actually quite beautiful. The glow from my pink Italian lights are calming. I'm aware that I'm hungry and my partner is home today so that means one of her world's famous fried egg and cheese sandwiches for breakfast.

Life is good.

Life is wise.

Life is free.

Life is eternal.

So, I turn off the tv and plug into my iPhone. The music is sweet and soothing. Old habits are being broken and new habits are being born.

Page 6, has it been that long? Time goes quickly. Yet, at times the hours hell, the minutes seem like days. Life is strange. I turned 58 at the end of last month. I received my last pay check the first week of May. I am just now getting over a pretty rough upper respiratory infection. Life goes on. Ma's memory is getting worse. Yesterday was Mother's Day and when my brother called her on the phone by evening time she had forgotten what day it was and wondered why he was calling. He texted me a few minutes after hanging up with her and expressed his sadness over her decline. I suppose I got immune to it seeing her every day. Like Duncs I weather the sheet storms as well as I can. Without the gambling insanity the usual insanities of daily living are becoming more manageable. Patrice was diagnosed with diabetes so now, its time to make better choices. We have neglected our health over the years or maybe just took it for granted. "But, time makes you bolder even children get older and I'm getting older too." I have two close friends who both had gastric sleeves. Each lost a considerable amount of weight and now each are putting the weight back on. Addiction has many faces. Relapse is inevitable if you don't get to the heart of things. Coping vs. self destruction. Hope vs. despair. Acceptance. The permanence of change. Letting go or not getting so d**n attached in the first place has been. Constant source of suffering for me. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. I read that somewhere... In my life like most I have had terrible pain. Revisiting the crime scene or picking the scabs off of old wounds is suffering. Why should I continue to suffer? I suppose I might feel safer with the familiarity of it. I don't like unknowns. I don't like surprises. I prefer to feel in control. Powerlessness is something I could ever accept. Today I know there are no guarantees. And time just rolls on. And life is. And what will be will be.

It's been so long I couldn't find my diary. Here's hoping this is the right page. I check in from time to time to catch up on some diaries. Life has been life. House keeping. Looking after mom. I did some consulting and earned a little pile of money. Took the neices on a summer excursion to the Great Wolf Lodge. I grapple with urges to gamble but they are not what they used to be. We haven't set foot in a casino for a very long time. I keep a day counter now but I was never a fan of them. Reminds me of net worth. How much do you have? More is better. I want to be the girl with the most cake. That's all BS. Why do I do it then? I suppose it helps me on bad days. I don't know. I'm in a so so mood today. I suppose that's why I came to you diary. It's hard to stay dark when the morning is so beautiful. I have the windows open so I can hear morning doves and woodpeckers. I can see treetops and a sky that looks like a painting. The sun is peeking through the blinds casting patterns on the walls. There's a crispness to the air. The old woman tapping on her iPhone has the entire day in front of her. She's free to do as she pleases. For now I will sip coffee and breathe. Thank you God for another day.

Hi Diary,

I'm having a hard time today. I'm stressing out about an upcoming medical test/appointment. I was watching tv and a commercial for the casino we used to go to came on. I found myself having a fantasy about sitting in front of a machine. Funny how I don't remember losing. Yeah.. I'm not even sure how I'm feeling right now. I guess I go on auto pilot and the slot devil swoops right in. The thing is, gambling never ever made me feel better. On the contrary.

Morning Diary,

I'm up and ready for the day. The rest of the crew is still sleeping. There's a cool breeze blowing through the window. I feel like some coffee, cream and honey is in order. I'm still freaking out about what's to be but, that's what I do. What I don't do is run to the casino. In another 90 days it will be a year. I don't miss it all that much. I still have the occasional fantasy but I know it's not real. I could cancel the appointment - run away and hide or face it. I will face it. For now, it's coffee time. Keeping it simple today.

Feeling like Charlie Brown on Christmas Eve. Screaming on the inside smiling on the outside just wishing someone anyone would tell me what the hell it's all about. Holding a shiny penny that I I found on the the floor thinking how it was strategically positioned as if to say find me and how I needed it to be a sign from Ed. Wondering how folks can live a life in this world without a higher power. Thinking how much easier it was to be 10 when I believed in god with all of my heart mind and soul. Today I don't know what I believe in anymore. Still holding that penny.

That penny can be anything you want it to be!

You were happy when you were 10 because you hadn’t learned how to fear...Focus on the now Joan, tomorrow will come & go just like all of your yesterdays & you will deal with it just as you always have done!

Sending you strength from across the pond my friend!

Thanks Kelly

I went to the appointment and had the test. Results are pending. I managed to get through it and then today I had some of the worst urges to gamble. I hate this compulsion. I hate myself for being so weak. My partner is off for a week. We have all kinds of day trips planned. I get it into my head that we should take a detour to the casino. Why???? Before quitting we had to rack up 33,0000 in credit debt. Paid that in full and then ran up another ten effing 10 grand.! Paid that off .. What the hell???? We went and had dinner at the chicken farm instead but it was too close. I feel like I'm headed for a fall. I gotta breathe and get my head together.

Still struggling. Took down my day count because I was getting obsessed with it. Although I don't gamble compulsively (at the moment) I reach for food when I'm not hungry. I feel just as "addicted" only now we don't live in fear of bankrupting ourselves. I went to the doctor and got a list of behavioral health councilors. Maybe some therapy will help. Certainly couldn't hurt. Not gambling but still thinking and acting like an addict. That's me.

Hi Judy... I relate to your last post. Ive long since given up counting cos it just messes with my head. I also eat when not hungry. I find its just like another form of self abuse. I eat alot of bread and snacks late evening knowing only too well that a very full stomach will stop me getting to sleep and I will feel tired in the morning but I do it anyway. I also eat quickly as well so am full before my brain has the opportunity to tell me so. Its only because am so active that am not 26 stone. Everything I do is addict like, no off switch. We learn to live with it as best we can. But hey well done for not giving in to the gambling temptation. Your doing mighty fine in my eyes.

Take care

Dear Diary,

I just need to talk to you. I'm feeling crazy. No judgement. No numbers. No winning. No losing. Just feeling like I want to scream. Sometimes I just feel so f*****g lost. So many folks have it so much worse. I feel like an addict today. A self pitying addict. So there it is diary.

You're not a self-pitying addict. You are a person having a c**P day(s)

Hope tomorrow is better. 🙂

Cathyx

Hi again Joan :)) .

Equally good to hear from you and your right we didn't leave things in a good place last time which is a real shame but I feel I've learned a little more about respecting others after having some time away so hopefully no reapeat's :)) .

Many , many thank's for your message of welcome it means a lot .

I hope you and Patrice are well and I'm sure we'll catch up soon .

Much love and best wishes to you both x