Angel From Montgomery

#hi

Hey Diary,

Page 7 uh oh. I guess it's been awhile dot dot dot

Living an adult life relatively sober. "Progress not perfection".

Some days it's one moment at a time. I now grant myself permission to feel. Some feelings are dark and uncomfortable. I make mistakes. I experience setbacks. I have learned to accept myself warts and all. Taking advantage of the opportunities to make changes. Some of my warts I was born with. I am beautiful as I am. I am good enough and worthy of good things. Worthy of a calm peaceful life. My addictions are flawed responses- actions to flawed thinking. My flawed thinking is usually in response to attachments of sorts. Attachments to the past. Mistakes, disappointments, old grudges. Attachment to trauma and old wounds. Letting go opens up the doors and windows to lightness and clarity. I have good days and bad days. I still hide behind masks. I still hold on when I should let go. I'm learning and I'm getting better every day. Change is slow I guess.

🙂

Cathyx

Thanks Cathy

I look up at the sky and see a cloud that looks like a turtle. In a few moments it has become a distorted looking face with a rather f****d up looking smile. Then it's altogether gone. Nothing. Or, another cloud that looks like..and on it goes. It's Halloween. I love this time of year. In the car just driving with my favorite person in the world. The colors are amazing but even more so because I have someone to share the moment with. Thoughts of gambling appear like clouds. If I wait a moment they rearrange and transform until they finally fade into the next fleeting thought. I guess this is my long winded way of saying: let the thoughts come and go. They are S harmless as clouds. Happy Halloween!!!

Morning Diary,

It's been awhile since I have written but, I still read every day.

Had the best Christmas ever. Lots of love and joy. Working on not feeling guilty for feeling good. Spent time with family and friends. Was in the moment which is something I'm always working on. Still behaving compulsively from time to time and can find myself dog paddling in obsessive waves. I know myself better now and can navigate through the choppy waters without fear of drowning. Addiction is always there and always will be. Folks like me who get obsessive can be easily dragged down by the undertow. Today I'm comfortable and feeling safe because I make it so. I'm in control of what I can be in control of and as for the rest? Que sera sera. Looking forward to the new year. For those still struggling: STOP. Come clean to your family, partner, or friend. Find a GA meeting or a councilor because you can't do this by yourself. Don't beat yourself up because shame just feeds inio the addictive behavior. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. We're all one gamble away from falling down the rabbit hole. Keep your chin up and your hope alive.

🙂 🙂 🙂

Cathyx

Amen to that my friend x

Feeling a little sad today. Maybe a little lost too. Nothing Earth shattering or life ending. Just have a bad habit of watching network news. Other than that I'm plodding on. As dark as our world seems these days I am stil hopeful. I will always believe that we are by nature good, open, and curious. To anybody out there struggling to stay out of "action". STOP now. Every minute is an opportunity to turn it around. Some days I take minute by minute. Finance is just drama. Clear your mind. Forgive yourself. Keep searching. Stay hopeful.

love,

joan

Good news doesn't sell papers unfortunately Joan :(( which is one of the reason's I try and avoid listeneng to it so much these day's.

The problem is we still need to know what's happening from time to time so keep having a peek at it ?.

Since the creation of the " Interwebb " everything travels in an instance wherever we are in the world and at whatever time , so we not only have are own bad news to deal with but the rest of the world's too :((.

Sad's ok sometimes to , tommorow will be better . xx

Yo, thank you for your post , so nice that you member me . Hoping your meal goes well tomorrow , sounds a bit like the anxiety I was having before lunch with my brother this week. Funny really , i set myself up deciding that it’s gonna be taxing and if never is . I really must not fret so much before hand , I know it’s easier said than done, but if you look back have things gone so bad when you’ve been out before . If not , maybe you do not need to feel so anxious . Anyways thanks to getting in touch ion and btw post what you want on my diary, I probs post too much about self on other people’s diary ( see I am doing now lol ) , does it matter ?..... take care ........Shiny xxx

Diary I looked for you everywhere.. my mind is in trouble. My thoughts are all over the place. I have everything I need. Why do I feel so unsettled? If I was sitting at a slot machine I could forget myself. Just float away into oblivion. There are nights like these when I just don't want to be in this f****n skin. And you know what? There are souls from New Zealand who are no more. Only an addict would sit around feeling all this self pity. This is me at my worst. Wah wah wah... and there isn't a d**n thing wrong. Nothing! I don't want to do anything about it. I just want to sit in my puddle of pee until I get cold. Then I will pull myself up and put on a dry pair of happy pants. Grrrrrrr fffffffttt

I often get caught out when I notice those feelings & even though I know sometimes there’s not a thing I can do to stop them & to be honest having been numb for so long, even know that I don’t want to, they still unsettle me! I would probs recommend a good pity party over a puddle of pee (certainly much warmer) but whatever floats your boat my friend!

God bless everyone who is taken too soon but also those who are left behind, thinking & hurting, perhaps wondering why not me & trying desperately to get past mistakes that we’ve made & live the best life they can x

Haha thanks for popping by Kelly I think my sitting in a puddle of my own pee is about shame... shame on me for having feelings when there is so much suffering in the world. I get inpatient with myself. This s**t that seems to come out of nowhere. A feeling that I cannot connect with in the moment because it doesn't belong to the moment. It belongs to the past. Or perhaps I'm ruminating over what might be. Airplanes are nosediving and my partner is always on an airplane going somewhere. What if??!! Wah wah give me give me I need I need something... oblivion. Sweet numbness. The desire to be out of my skin can be overwhelming at times. Sitting in my skin is terrifying and painful. Whining about it is unacceptable. It's shameful. Shame is food for the sleeping devil. Well, i might as well eat. I might as well gamble away my money. "That's it, says the voice within me. Peel your skin off and you will feel better". Other days it might be the numbness itself that drives me to rip at my flesh. Regardless you're right Kelly. I need to sit with myself - in my skin. It's ok to feel whatever it is. Feeling isn't peeing on oneself in public. That's how uptight I am. There is no shame in feeling ffs. I guess I'm growing a little bit. I used to roll around in it and lash out at people "who just didn't get it". Well, it's time to get breakfast going for ma. Sun is coming up. New day. New page.

Hi Judy

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. It's the first time posting on your diary as I haven't posted on the site for a while but I sat up late last night and read your diary from start to finish and I just wanted to know what a fantastic and inspirational read it was.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

Bex

Hi Judy,

Sorry to hear it was a difficult day yesterday. We recommed trying not to compare yourself to others- it has very limited usefulness. The distress of others does not negate your distress. Keep going and if you need to please do speak to an adviser one-to-one on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or the Netline.

Best Wishes

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