Angel From Montgomery

Worried you said you are kicking yourself as it does sound as though it has been an enlightening moment for you and your words have most certainly helped me to reassess my thoughts on my past for which I am very grateful.

Have done a bit of training in the past myself around HIV and discrimination (used to work for Terence Higgins Trust) mainly with teenagers and care workers and can be great fun with the right group, amazing where the discussions lead when talking about unsafe s*x. Even I learnt a few new words.

Here's hoping you decide to kick the virtual kickbag ( a new variety of punchbag) rather than yourself from now on.

A rainy day on the riverbank but have the right head on today so enjoying the sound on the roof.

xxx

Blondie, Shiny, Chicago, and Rainbows... thanks for the support and the reassurance when I needed it the most. Sometimes it's just a matter of self confidence know what I mean?

Hi Diary: Walking into day 26 with self confidence. I believe in myself today. I came to realize that for me gambling was never about the money or even winning. It may have been earlier on let's say oh about 10 years ago. But, long gone is that feeling of wow that was fun. What I began to realize was that my self reward for getting thru another day was a twisted form of self punishment for a crime I never committed. I don't have to drag myself through the days anymore. I can be fully present. My mind is not filled with distraction. I never knew the distraction were inner voices from my past whispering things like "you are not a good person, you deserved being hurt, you are a fraud, you are not worth it." And, it goes on and on and on. It was like trying to talk and work over a talk radio station. It's no wonder I thought I deserved a freakin prize at the end of the day. Only the voice was probably whispering "go ahead take it and pull the trigger"... Beating myself up. Killing myself is not a reward. Gambling for me now is a form of punishment because it is a game of pure futility. A dry hump. Only leads to more self loathing validating the inner voices that I am no good etc. etc. I understand that now... As corny as it sounds almost like a line from "Stuart Saves his Family" I need to uproot those negative internal messages that were planted there many years ago and sew new seeds of self respect and hope for the future. -joanxxx

Joan.

fantastic post my dear friend, hey how about this, We created enough s**t whilst gambling to feed a field of seeds, lets use some of that muck today!!

You start sowing and watch those seeds grow.

You do deserve a prize, to ramain in the winners enclosure.

Just for today, be proud of you I truly am.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Diary:

I'm closer to my first goal of 4 weeks. Have already achieved 2 paychecks without a slip. That's a pretty big deal for us. Today, it's about focus. Have alot of bills to pay, dogs are being professionally groomed.. that should be interesting.. lol.. and maybe I can get P out for a nice dinner tonight. Taking a break from some of the processing. It's gotta be done but, Rome was'nt built in a day. -joanxxx

Yo,

But when Rome was built what an impressive sight it was .

One brick at time Hun

Enjoy your weekend .

Shiny xxxxx

That's right Shiny and I will remember that!

Hi Diary:

I reached my first goal today. 4 weeks two paychecks and no gambling my money on slot machines. It took me 10 years to get where I was in my addiction to gambling. I guess I can be patient with the recovery process especially since I have only been at it since July of 2012. My next goal is 6 weeks. I know now that I can do this. Are there going to be really bad days? Yes, that is one sure thing. But, I have found the golden pause button. Even the deep resentments I used to harbor for the gambling establishment have started to melt away. I realized while I was boiling alive in my own anger and marinating in my own tears they were living thier lives business as usual. Life goes on for everyone even the one's that hurt me directly or in the case of the establishment indirectly. They are not curled up in a ball crying for me or punching the walls because I'm not there wasting my money anymore. They could care less about me or my family. So, there is no point to me holding onto anything that I no longer need. I'm like an air balloon traveller dropping little bags of sand as I go. If it is weighing me down or slowing down my journey it's gone. I hope everyone out there has a good day today. Today is the only day that counts. Up Up and Away in my beautiful ballooooon!

-joanxxxx

Joan.

Well what a sight to behold.

A great big bright balloon serenely making it's way through those dream clouds, the mountains and dark forest left behind.

Keep ditching that sand.

(something we share, i do mine through a jar of mayonaise and two beers thanks adept/ mw)

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncs, it's always good hearing from you my friend. Read your post this morning and as usual I always get that little lift. A thermal to help me stay aloft. Still soaring among the clouds...

Hi Diary,

I spent time with my little nieces yesterday and had a great visit. Lot's of kick ball at the play ground, cartoon watching and storybook reading. A nice break from the adult world that can be soooo I dunno, just.. there's a song by Carly Simon that comes to mind, "It was so easy then never making any plans -- It was so easy then holding hands -- just holding hands" So, today, I'm up with the chickens for a Sunday. It looks like it's gonna be a beautiful day today. I can't wait to get in it. Still basking in the glow of the children's laughter I suppose. Gambling is somewhere but, not for me today. I agree with Duncs though better keep it right where I can see it whether it is needling me at the moment or not -- it will never be my friend. -joanxxxx

Funny coincidence, was watching this with my grandchildren on Friday then read your diary today.

http://youtu.be/2dEdVwg7to4

The only thing keeping me going at the moment is my grandchildren, like you say the sound of their laughter just makes me whole again.

Can see that orange suit from miles off, think you should swop the oxygen for helium though.

Standing on the deck waving back in the sunshine today and thanking you for being there for me.

xxx

Good Morning,

Thank you for your messages of support. There is a great deal to be positive about in your recent posts. You say the next target is 6 weeks and that is more than achievable. Breaking time down into smaller chunks is a tactic I find works brilliantly. You have a lot to be proud of and with the little ones keeping you on your toes plenty to keep you looking forwards. Just for today take a deep breath, smile, and look at the positives.

Flagg

Hey joan

Still reading.... And nodding.... Sorry if my thoughts on escape passed you off... Wish some days I could have a traffic light signal on my posts to flag up days when I am I rant mode so folks can avoid reading..

Your doing great xxx

Thanks Flagg and Rach.

Hi Diary,

I am up with the chickens again. This time helping P get off to work. She will be taking my car in to work today for much needed repairs and will be spending the night on the Cape. Having some money to put into my old heap makes me very happy. Earning money. Saving money. Spending money on the things that are important to me comes down to self respect. Today, it is about self respect. For a long time I did not believe I deserved ANY respect. I thought I was sh it. Today, I realize that I never broke apart. I took my china tea cup heart and buried it so deep in the backyard of my childhood home that noone not even I could find it. For years I thought I had broken it and tried to fix it myself and somehow turned it into a chunky little mess of a mug functional but, not really me. Ed took me back to our yard and unearthed my parcel. When he unwrapped it; there it was in all of its original glory. He told me that my heart was always whole and that it was mine for the reclaiming whenever I was ready. I know this all sounds pretty nutty but, the spirit world is different from ours. Anyway, back to reality as we all know it. Gambling is not and never was a friend of mine. And, as Blondie always says, never was and never will be the answer. Flagg I think you are right about setting those small goals too, especially at the beginning when stopping feels almost impossible. My next target is 6 weeks and I am well on my way. Today, I know that stopping is possible. Still on the path but, decided that cruising in my old fashioned helium balloon was the best transportation for now. I borrowed it from The Wizard! lol. -joanxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Glad your doing well and staying strong! Great job. Getting busy for me as I'am getting things in order for my move. Looking forward to it though. Good to be busy these days and not gambling.

Chicagoguy

Thanks Chicago.

Hi Diary,

The word for today is gratitude. Alot of innocent people were hurt at the marathon yesterday. Families are suffering tremendous loss this morning. It was a terrrible, senseless thing and I am sure the more information that comes out about this the news will only get worse. So, today, I have nothing but gratitude for all that I have in my life. I no longer have the space or the time to harbor resentments for people and things that have hurt me in the past. Festering anger just turns into rage and rage turns into hatred that is either turned inwards or perhaps acted out towards others. Hatred is death and destruction no matter how you look at it. If you hate you cannot love yourself or anyone else. A life without love in it must be hell. For me that is pretty much the way it is. I am not a bible thumper or a perfect person. I belong to no organized religion. I struggle sometimes every minute some days. Before, out of habit I would take the bait and just lash out out of fear or turn inwards and replay old tapes of abuse and beat myself up about it. Today, I hit the pause button and remind myself that I am a worthy loving being that is deserving of peace and happiness. It is a beautiful world and a wonderful life but, there is alot of hurt, ugliness, and hatred and as Duncs had pointed out there are forces that work against positivity and healing. All I can do is push onwards in my own recovery. I'm thinking about all of those people who got hurt in that senseless tragedy yesterday and pray in my way that they can somehow get past thier pain and find thier way back to peace. That's about the best my tiny brain can do with all of this today. That's all I have. -joanxxxxx

Yo,

I am a worthy loving being that is deserving of peace and happiness.

Not a truer word written ,

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx