Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan,

Well said, very nice post, and what a senseless tragedy it was yesterday. It sure does put things in perspective, as to whats important in life, and gambling has no place in it!

Chicagoguy

Hi there

thankyou for shouting at my pain to go away, did the job and coping much better today, mind over matter and all that.

So right about all the sad things in the world and as the song goes 'there but for fortune' (Joan Baez). I have to find a balance or I get very depressed by it but there are also many good kind people in the world such as yourself. Just wonder how people can sleep at night knowing they have killed children and what they think it can possibly achieve.

Just read a good book called 'The man who wouldn't stand up'. It's based in US and describes the way one small act can spiral your whole life out of control. Just like our first coin in the slot, chocolate cake or kiss.

It's a novel but quite funny and sad at the same time.

Also tried weight watchers a few years back as my weight roller coasters like all my stuff but just had to leave immediately when the woman that ran it said ' now ladies we all need to get pretty and slim for our husbands don't we', needless to say I went straight home and ate chocolate. Lost the weight on my own but much harder and online one sounds good option.

Think this is going to be your year, the worst is over things sound as though they are falling into place at last. I am so glad for you. Keep waving but but have fun at the same time. Up up and away.

xxx

Back at you, one memory triggers another.

My ex cosidered me obese if I weighed more than 6 stone and one day when he and his mates were eating cream cakes in front of me to wind me up I pushed a huge sticky one in his face in front of them. He had beard and moustache too, what fun!!!

xxx

Joan

Great post yesterday my dear friend, you are bang on with your words.

Now we have taken our heads out of the sand, we can I believe see things with great clarity, lets use that to our end.

As today you are Number 1. and you are more than worthy.

With honour.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs!

Hi Diary:

It has been over 1 month since I set foot in the casino. No gambling of any sort. My next goal is set for 6 weeks and 3 pay checks. I caught myself this morning almost taking the bait. Mom came down early to report that she had something wrong with her eye. She is getting over a virus and I suspect that infection has settled in one of her eyes. She is certainly going to need treatment but, it is not an emergency. It was very early and we have a routine around here. P has dibs on the bathroom i.e. bathing privaleges because she needs to leave for work first. So, I was sort of caught up in the crossroads between P and mom this morning. Now, I am working on being more patient with mom these days but, it has not been easy. We have a very long history together and I have waded thru years of her histrionics and hypochondria. Part of her absence when we were kids was her constant "illnesses". She is in fact one of the healthiest people on the planet. She can be quite self centered at times and even childish. She did not have to come down. She could have waited but, that is not mom. She can be like a child when it comes to her needs. "Me first" sort of thing. I felt the anger welling up in my throat but it was then that I hit the pause button. I explained to her that it was not an emergency and that we would get P off to work first and then tend to her afterwards. Did I do this with perfect patience? Umm no not exactly. I could have been gentler and I am working on that. Mom and I have an understanding and have had many conversations about the past. Our relationship today, is a work in progress. I am no martyr. The point is: I was able to regain my balance ( thanks Duncs ) in relative short order whereas before I might just go off on a rant Or stuff my feelings and go off later.. Feelings would get hurt. Guilt would set in blah blah blah. It feels good to be able to control my emotions! NOT STUFF THEM but control them. Going off or regaining composure or calmness is a choice. I am really beginning to see that for me habit is more than just addiction to things. Habit for me is the acting before thinking. The belief that my emotions control me. I now realize it is the other way around. NOT like a robot. On the contrary. I have never felt more alive. This is all very new for me and I know that I am going to make mistakes but, for today I feel the joy over a small victory. I am here and I am calm! I was reading over my post and wanted to add that part of the work I am doing with my mom is helping her to understand that I have unexpressed anger from a long time ago. I have no anger towards her today nor did my welling anger have anything to do with her coming down early. Out of habit I go back "there". She is beginning to understand that and does not add insult to injury by crying or pouting. She owns her negligence and does not blame me. She was not the greatest mother by a long shot but, there is nothing we can do to change the past. We can only go forward. -joanxxxx

Yo,

Good day my dear friend .

You know Hun , it's ok to feel what you feel .

Like you said it's how we deal with those feelings .

You did well today , did not see it as a mistake , saw it as a triumph .

You held the bat today maybe you did not not hit the ball out of the ball park , but I can see it just touching the outer fence .

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

Thanks so much Shiny!

Hi Diary,

So, got mom to the doctor and picked up some eye drops. Back home now and just waiting for P to come home for supper. All is good on my tiny planet. Got work tomorrow, some tests on Friday and my niece for a sleep over Friday night. Good night good people. -joanxxx

Your finding the right balance Joan and what works for you and the feelgood of being in control of your feelings .....

My journey is the opposite as in the past it was like a pressure cooker with occasional bouts of temper so I didnt implode but now the lids well and truly off....I know I have to go through this process but im seeing it as a great leveller and sorting the wheat from the chaff...

I also cant afford to take extra baggage with me in the future so im getting rid of it now.....

Im chuffed to bits you are in control and dealing with life and lifess terms .....

You should be very proud xxxx

R and d xxx

Hey Joan,

Nothing but rain over here the past week. Looks like it will finally clear up after tomorrow. Water temps are still cold, need some warmer weather to get the fish biting, I'am thinking first couple weeks in May it should start to get good. Looking froward to catching the smallmouth bass in the rivers. Hope all is well with you, thanks for the continued support.

Chicagoguy

Thanks folks!

Hi Diary,

Work today so, cannot spend too much time on the diaries this morning. I guess for me today I'm thinking: If you look for sh it, misery, upset, unrest, rage, and hate in this world you will find it. That to me is pointing out the obvious. I'm no saint and everyone who know me knows that. I have not lived 52 almost 53 years without hurting another human being. I can never claim to be perfect. And, I have taken my share of sh it and will probably see more of it before my time comes. My point is, whatever you look for in this world you will no doubt find. Me, I am waging peace these days because there is just too d**n much hate and discord out there. I am going to breathe in sh it and breathe out serenity because today, I can. Just breathe everybody. There is goodness out there. You do not need to be a genius to know that. It's just that sometimes it's just harder to find. -joanxxxxx Oh, and by the way. Gamble free. I keep changing my post and editing. Lol. Whatever.

Hi Joan,

Thank you for your continued support. Your so right there is good out there we just have to keep our eyes open and we will see it, you only have to look at the diarys on here to see its full of good people trying there very best to be just that little bit better.

Yesterday I realised I am human I am not a robot, I have feelings and its ok to let them out, I'm scared sometimes, I'm angry , I'm sad, but them I'm also proud and happy and elated and calm and peaceful. We take the bad because we have to but if we hold on to the good in the pit of our soul then we can handle the bad just that little bit better.

Enjoy your day

Take care

Blondie xxx

Hi Diary,

It was a long day today. Weekend starts tonight. Have to be on my guard. This is the time when I think I deserve a swift kick in the a ss.. you know... with that boot with the steel lined toe? lol.. I don't know. Anyway, it was chaotic at work as usual. The guy that supervises trainings is a very nice person but, so unorganized. I am a n a l retentive when it comes to my work so do the math. Serrrrrrrenity now! P will be home in a little while. Looking forward to a peaceful evening here at home. Those bas tar ds are not getting my money tonight. Managing urges is actually getting easier. I think I am just babbling now.. lol. good night good people. -joanxxxxx

Thanks so much Joan. Feeling sad instead of empty now so starting to recover.

Just find it all so confusing when I know the theory and can't put into practise.

Like you I work hard as enjoy it but sometimes feel I deserve a reward and either it's illegal, it's immoral or it makes you fat. Why can't I be satisfied with a bubble bath like they tell you in the tv ads.

Wasn't even monkey brain this time as premeditated which is worse for me as usually on impulse.

Well the b******s got my money yesterday but they aint getting it tomorrow cos I'm just going to buy some chinese lanterns instead and let my grandchildren light them and watch them sail into the sky so they can be seen across the sea. Old hippies never die they just get stupider.

So pleased for you and have a lovely chilled serene weekend.

xxx

Mornin Joan

Some great positive posts and ur so right thinking the worse and been negative will only make it worse thinkin positively is the way to go , easily said as we both know when the s**t comes our way its hard to keep that mindset but I take great heart knowin that ur givin it ur all behaviour breeds behaviour so that positivity u feel and show will pass round to others

Inspired thank u

Castle2

Glad its getting easier and things are going well. Have a much deserved, great, gamble free weekend.