Back again.

Day 2 and the panic is starting to lessen after a very emotional day talking to my mum and brother still have to talk to my eldest as he is not home yet.

All the usual aftermath behaviours are really starting to show now,constant working out money,not being able to concetrate or settle on doing something,its all most the feeling of a trapped animal as i try and work out how to pay everything.

Ive been here before and i know i will get everything sorted one way or another but this truly has to be the last time i cannot cope with all this any more,i am motivated and determined to beat this,i have to admit that i will always be a gambler and there is no way i can dip in and out of it i have to stop and stay away from it.

I have to prove to my kids and family once and for all that i can beat this,again second guessing myself as they have heard all this before.

Like i said to my brother yesterday the first few weeks arnt the hard part as there is no money to gamble and im preoccupied with getting everything sorted,its the months after when everything has settled and emotions arnt running so high and money issues are being sorted and there is some "spare" money,thats when the urges kick in but i have to fight this,i have no one i can actually hand money over to as my family is scattered all over and know one lives close to me,i have given my brother my log in details for my banking so he can check and make sure everything is being paid,i will start taking out any cash not for bills as my gambling is online only,i've never in my life been into a bookies or casino and never wanted to either,i just hide on my computer spinning my life away.

One step at a time,yesterday has gone and all i can do is deal with today.Doing this one day at a time.

From my last visit here in 2015 i always found the people on here helpful and encouraging and hope maybe some of you will join me on my journey,it always helps to have someone who truly understands how you feel and im always here to help and support anyone.

The road to recovery is a long one and sometimes bumpy and always emotional but one i need to take for my own mental health and my kids. I plan on being here everyday so please feel free to chat,ramble,ask questions whatever i hope to support others and hopefully get some support.

I have my assement by phone for counselling next week,i cant wait i just want to get it started,this will be my second time through gamcare but last time i dont think i was ready to give up and i wasnt truthfull with my counseller but this time i'm basing my recovery on being totally honest,its amazing how a gambling addiction can turn you into the ultimate liar,no more lies only the truth even if it is painful to face.

Staying Strong one day at a time.

Lib

Hi lib,

similar to you I've been on this journey before. Years ago I tried to stop, no blocks, not a single person knew, no exclusions, just will power...... what a dreadful idea that was!

now I'm here, family know, exclusions are there, gamstop is on, phone assessment for counselling in Tuesday. it has to be done properly or not at all.

I never stepped back and looked how I was affecting my mum,dad, girlfriend and stepkids. that regret will stay with me forever, but will hopefully be used as a deterrent not to go back to that life.

I truly hope you recover from this and have a happy life.

Do you have other hobbies? I have always had a personality where I get immersed in whatever I'm doing, gambling was no different. feels good to focus on something else.

Take care and I will pop back to read how you're getting on.

A

Yesterday when i had once again backed myself into a corner with no where to turn and finally had to throw the towel in and ask for help i decided that i would be totally honest about whats been going on as a cg i have also turned into the ultimate liar,there was one incident that happened about two months ago that set me off on my spiral of gambling and even sitting here now i'm struggling to forgive myself or get past and accept that the money is gone.

I won about 80k and when i tried to withdraw it i was told i could only withdraw 5k per month and only 2k per day,to be honest i couldnt beleive what i was hearing but they wouldnt budge and i thought ok well at least i will have money coming in every month for the next year great here comes the new car,holiday,treat the kids to whatever they want,debts paid life is going to be great.

Well i dont think i need to say what happened because you can guess,i managed to take out about 10k but after that it all went downhill i gambled the rest doing insanely big bets to try and win more then chasing then put the majority of the 10k i withdrew into other sites trying to win it back.I am a single mum working 30hrs a week for minimum wage,that money would have me set for a good few years but now its gone and i have spent the last 2 months trying to do it again.This is one thing i'm really trying to get over but dont seem to be able to get past,i know i have to accept the money is gone and will never return but i just dont seem to be able to forget it.

The reason i talk about honesty is i didnt tell my family i had won this money well only my eldest son,but over the weekend they asked me what set me off again,did i know what the trigger was,so i was honest about what had happened its a step forward because ususally i would have lied and come up with some other excuse but if i'm going to recover i need to be completly honest about everything no matter how painful.

I know i will eventually get over it but its just that nagging in the back of my mind that wont go away.

Staying Strong one day at a time

Lib

Hi snow@ball, I know it's difficult but you must forget the losses, they are never coming back. Chasing losses is is an absolute killer to every gambler. There are so many stories on here of people chasing losses, just like you, and they all end in misery. You say that you will always be a gambler, but I am concerned that your plan is based on willpower alone and there are no financial blocks in place. When payday comes you may be tempted to try a lucky £20 and that could escalate into losing everything. The problem is all reason and sense disappears when we start gambling, we only think about bills, groceries and our loved ones after the money has gone and we return to normality. Whilst in the act of gambling we never think of the dire consequeces until it is too late.

Thankyou @greenlash and i appreciate your concern but i'm not naive enough to believe will power alone will get me through this.

I have given my brother and will give my son my log in details to my bank account so i am accountable for what goes in and out,unfortunatly i have no one near by who i can hand all finances to, if that was an option i would,i have joined gamstop and when i get paid on friday i will be installing more software,i have also asked gamcare for counselling which is being dealt with,i will also be phoning my internet provider to see if they can block gambling sites which will give me three walls on my computer.After all bills are paid i will be withdrawing all left over cash as bookies and casinos have never been a thing for me,never been in one and have no desire to either.

This is not my first time trying to stop but i'm hoping its my last i know what i need to put into place for it to work and if it was just willpower i would have done it before now.

Staying Strong one day at a time

Lib

Fair enough snow@ball, I was fortunate to have someone control my finances, which in the early days was so helpful. However not everyone is in that position. I can see you have done all you can and I wish you all the best in beating this awful problem.

Well my son came home and admitting i stole money from him was the hardest thing i've ever had to do,he screamed and shouted at me and has now shut himself in his bedroom.It was excatly the response i was expecting,it willl take him alittle while to calm down but hopefully he will and then we can talk.I've always been a good mum and my kids have never really gone without to much but i have sunk to an all time low,yes ive borrowed money of family and gambled with it but i have never stolen it before,its going to take alot of work from me for him to trust me again,i hope he can find it in his heart to one day forgive me,if he dosent that is something i will have to live with,i bought this upon myself and have no one to blame but me.He has every right to be cross and angry and i will just have to wait until he is ready to talk to me again,it might be later tonight it may be in a few days,the hardest part has been done like i said in a previous post to start my recovery i have to honest even if that honesty is painful.

Staying Strong one day at a time

Lib

Just looking back over the diaries and i found my old one from 2015,the sad thing is nothing changes,except the kids and i are older and the gambling is still a problem.

Reading it has hammered home what a mammoth task i have in front of me.

Lib

Hi Lib

We all wish we’d stopped earlier, but unfortunately we can’t change the past - I really would love to at times. However, we change the future - but we need to learn from the past and also accept that will power alone will not stop this, we need to ask ourselves the question what will we do differently this time to help us succeed ?

Thankyou kensington 🙂

Another day begins,i have to put my game face on for work as this is not something i need work to find out about.

My son seems to have calmed down but is obviously not talking to me which is fine and understandable.We will talk eventually.

Stay Strong one day at a time

Lib

That was one tough day at work trying to keep my game face on but everyone seemed to be a bit moody today so i didnt stand out to much,normally i'm quite chatty and loud but today i was very quiet but no one seemed to notice thankfully.

Came home and had a hug with my son,dosent change what i did or excuse my appalling behaviour but i knew once he calmed down we would talk,we've had a small chat but its a start.

My counselling is booked for the 27th july and funny enough its with the same lady i had last time.I still feel very teary and low and keep waiting for something else to happen,no doubt this dark cloud will follow me around for a little while yet.

Staying Strong one day at a time.

Lib

Another day starts and another day gamble free but it's a false sense of being gamble free as i have no money so i couldnt even if i wanted to but at the same time today will be day 4 and my anxiety and panic are settling and i feel like i can start to think clearly again instead of trying to wade through the fog of emotions from the weekend.

On a brighter note my eldest told me he loved me which were words i wasnt expecting to hear for a while,the little things really are the best.

Staying Strong one day at a time

Lib

Day 5 and had a good nights sleep for the first time in a while,youngest is now on summer holidays so that will save me £40 a week in petrol,which will go straight to the rent arrears.

Trying to decide if i should tell the council about the gambling as this is why i have rent arrears and why i now have a notice to seek possesion,the paper work says no court action will be taken until after 13.8.2018 and that they have a year after that date to actually take it to court,i'm wondering if i tell them the real reason why then maybe they will delay taking it to court or prehaps i should just be honest anyway,as i will paying the majority of my wages on friday to pay off the arrears.They knew before i moved in that i had a gambling issue as i had been honest about why i'm so c**P with money.I will think about this today at work but i think the best thing to do is be totally honest with them.They may decide to give me a break or not but i dont suppose it could make things any worse.

Day 5 starts with work hope everyone has a gf day.

Staying Strong one day at a time

Lib

Day 5 is nearly over and not a bad day,work,kids,cooking,washing,no gambling,it could be called a normal day:)

My mum and brother are phoning me everyday to check in and make sure things are all good.

Another day gamble free equals a good day

Staying Strong one day at a time

Lib