Abit about me, I had previously gambled for 4 years back in 2016, was online slots, must have spent thousands! Although of course I never really had any ‘big’ wins, as they say the only winners are these sites! It started as a way to escape what was going on in my life at that time, particularly changes, I’ve realised I don’t cope well with changes no matter how small they may seem. Anyway during lockdown, I signed up to GameStop which blocked all these sites I had been going on, great! It actually worked, i had stopped gambling up until around March this year, I had discovered the offshore sites, honestly the worst thing I’ve ever done, since than I had spiralled, spent thousands and more. In around £10k worth of debt, loans, credit cards etc, although I have set up payment plans for everything and just about keeping on top of all of them, still it’s a lot to keep on top of. Fortunately or unfortunately I had managed to self exclude myself from a chunk of the off shore sites, although my downfall have been the sites that repeatedly ignore any and every email you send them to self exclude. I’m still registered with GameStop and don’t plan on ever cancelling that, I’ve just set up Gamban on my phone. I think for me it was never about the ‘winning’ as a lot of times I deposited with the mindset that I wasn’t actually going to withdraw anything, was almost like if I have money in my bank, it’s almost an uncomfortable feeling like I need it gone! I don’t know if anybody can relate to that but anyway here I am! Starting at day 1!
Hi
I was so filled with fear on walking in to the recovery program.I honestly thought that if I stopped gambling I would be happy.
The text and wording God or religion caused an unhealthy reaction in me.Then I was able to abstain from Gambling but that was not enough for me.
In time I got to pay back my debts and then found that I had certain unhealthy habits.Trying to get some thing for nothing or cheap.
Then the question why could I not put more time and effort in to my recovery.Fear and procrastination were not healthy for me.
In time I got to write down all of my fears and in time reduced those fears from 10 out of 10 to single numbers.
Then the question what are my needs my wants and my goals.
Then to have a healthy habit of writing down my daily lists so I could become more productive.In the old days I thought that advice given was by people trying to control me.
My own control issues indicated how iandequate and insecure I was in my self.The recovery program helped me become more motivated in healthy ways.
I use to do things reluctantly or resentfully, why do things and not feel good about it.In the recovery program I got to understand that I was not an evil or bad or stupid person.
I was how ever adversely affected by the pains suffering and traumas in my life.This trauma adversely affected my ability to learn or understand education.
In time I got to understand that my conscience told me that deep down I was a healthy good person. Working in the recovery program I would understand that I had become my own worst enemy.
The pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand. By working in the recovery program I would understand that my fears very much restricted me from having a full healthy life.
That my unhealthy fears very much restricted me from having healthy emotional intimate relationships with my self and with other people. By working on my recovery I would understand how much I needed to do to become a much healthier person.
The addictions and obsessions just indicated that I had certain emotional triggers. Pains caused an unhealthy reaction because I was nto able to heal my pains.
Fears disabled me from being healthy and interactive with al people. My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was in effect causing my self pains time and time again. Loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
Boredome because I was uanable to fullfill my needs my wants or my goals.
What is success, some people might think it is being rich. Then one day it was explained that being successful is abaout having goals where we fulfill our needs our wants and our gaols by our own healthy actions and words.
The money at one time was just the fuel for my addiction. Sadly just by taking away money from our person did not stop the feelings of wanting to escape when I was emotionally vulnerable.
I am a non religious person yet I am a much healthier spirtual person today. By working my recovery I am more caring and more loving.
By working my recovery I am more respectful of my self and other people. The recovery program helped me help my self become a much healthier productive person.
It is not possible for me to run away from my self. How much time and effort do I put in to my life today.
Am I able to give of my self unconditionally today with out any expectations of other people. Only when I love my self could I love other people.
Only when I respect my self could I respect other people. How much more time and effort am I willing to invest in to my self today.
I have been in recovery now over two thirds of my life.
I have now been clean from gambling for over 32 years in recovery.
I have now been clean from smoking over twenty years.
I have now been clean from drinking tea or coffee over twenty years.
I have now been clean from hating my self over twenty years.
What value do I put on my healthy life today.
Healing Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
A lot of this resonated with me! Espcially your last point. I would sometimes build up savings get on the path to being able to save for something big like a new car, but I would feel uncomfortable having all that money and nothing to spend it on, or I wanted it to go up and up and up!
It may be day 1 but everyone starts everywhere. Today is day 7 on my second attempt. Good luck and may this be the start of your path to happiness and recovery 🙂
Hay , I’m new to this site . Iv been gambling for about a 2 years and never had a problem with it till the last few months , any time in stressed or upset or can’t cope with life I gamble all my money away . I’m glued to my phone and I never really win and if I do it all goes back on there , iv just now spent all my money on gambling cus I felt but lonly and board and just wanted to feel somthing and gambling gives me that safe feeing for the small time untill my bank is empty then I’m just like why did I do that , I need to stop cus it’s now affecting everything around me , my step sons birthday next week and going to get him somthing tomorrow , can’t now 😑😑 why I do it to myslef ???
@hit0f4l2rn hi! How is your recovery going!? I’m onto my second attempt, although day 7 for me now! Definitely don’t want to go back to that way of life anymore, now it’s just dealing with the aftermath of my actions! Which in turn even thinking about the debt accumulated through gambling would be enough to make me want to burying my head in the sand or should I say these gambling sites. But so far I’ve managed to not give into the urges which don’t seem to be as frequent, it’s mainly at night time
@3blzgxd41p Sorry to hear your previous attempt failed, but your back here so thats the first good step.
I am doing well currently on day 31, I have found keeping my journal up to date very helpful espically when urges come on. Try doing that when you think about it at night... There is also the chatrooms that are open later.
@hit0f4l2rn oh wow! That so good 😊 thankyou for the advice I will do that
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