Hi all
I joined last night after 6 days gamble free. My poison is the slots, started at bingo and spiralled out of control when I discovered internet sites. Over the years I have joined just about every site and in the past few months have been considering the hell I have been putting myself through, financially and emotionally, and have excluded myself from all sites - the last one being on 29/12/14.
Last night I downloaded K9 blocking software on my laptop and my sister has been this morning and changed the password so I will be unable to override it. I have been able to contact the counsellor whose number I have had for a few years, but I will keep trying when no-one in about the house.
I feel positive and safe at the moment as my husband is off work and we're busy with things in the house. He goes back to night shift next week and this is when I will have to keep busy. Until recently as soon as he was out the door my gambling started, often until I heard the key in the door in the morning, which left me around 2 hours sleep before getting up for work. I constantly felt ill, had to go to bed when I got in from work and basically was like a zombie. On Saturdays we would get a takeaway and sit watching the telly and i would feel jittery and complain I had to have a lie down and sneak my laptop upstairs with me as I couldn't cope without gambling.
Things have come to a head financially and this has made me realise what an idiot I have been for many years. I am glad this has happened because it's the first time in a long time I have sat back and though about the effects my gambling is having on my family, my health, my finances and my work.
I have read lots of diaries since yesterday and it's clear we are all fighting the same demon. I am glad to be sharing my thoughts and fears with others who have had the same experiences and are walking the same path.
I wish everyone the best of luck xx
your right annie fighting this demon this very clever demon
keep walking that path don't give up
keep reading those diaries
Hey Annie.
Well done on stopping and your journey sounds similar to mine.
Blocking software on my phone and laptop have been the best thing I've ever done.
Well done on your first week gambling free, hope you are closer to feeling better about day to day money and finances.
Keep strong.
Clare
Well done on your first week gambling free. Stay strong and keep up the diary. Good luck.
Simon
Well done on 6 days, i am on my 4th, have the same addiction as you (online slots) for over 7 years, have won big and lost a hell of alot more feeding this posionous habit. All the best and here's to another gamble free day tomorrow.
Hey there annie67, wanted to thank-you in person for posting on my diary, great to see you here 🙂
Great to see you taking the advice on board so quickly! Go buy a book, get on here, do whatever it takes until the urges pass! Hey, you never know, you might even get to experience a full night's sleep!
Stay strong - ODAAT
Thank you all for your replies and kind and encouraging words.
I have had a really good couple of days! I have spoken with my bank manager and he is going to help me sort out my finances. I have also been accepted for a 24 month interest free balance transfer which means I can move the high interest credit card to that one and my sister has told me she will keep the card. I work 3 days per week and will try to do an extra shift to help my finances too.
Over the past few days I've been thinking a lot about how I got myself into such a mess. Like a lot of us I do have an addictive personality; I've sat up all night doing sudoku like my life depended on it, I've played candy crush til all I could see when i closed my eyes was candy! Years ago we had a Sega Megadrive (yes, I'm that old!) and i played that until I had blisters on my thumbs. The common denominator is 'games'. However I am not sporty nor competitive, so I'm not sure what that's all about.
In the past I have stopped smoking and a couple of years ago I lost over 4 stone in weight, which I have managed to keep off so I'm hoping I can apply my willpower to beating this demon too.
On a lighter note: we used to go on caravan park holidays with friends and I was paranoid about my daughter playing slots at the arcade but my friend insisted on giving her money. I had never confided in her, or anyone at the time of my problem, so let the wee one get her pocket money daily. One evening she took her £1 coin and within 10 minutes was back saying 'I won, I won!', with her hands full of 2p's - she had put her money in the change machine! Everyone had a good laugh and told her what she had done and she said that was fine and put it in her bank saying she didn't want to lose her money................if only I had listened to the wisdom of an 8 year old.
Thank you for reading my diary and warmest wishes to all as we continue our journey xx
Hi Annie,
My poison is exactly the same as yours - the devil online slots!! depositing money like it had no value. I was amazed how many people have got themselves into the same hell that i have - I was comforted that i could relate to so many folk! ...but for teh wrong reason I guess...
Good luck to you on your recovery 🙂
Mel x
Hi annie67...Great news with the bank manager & the loan 🙂
If it helps those sweets got me too when I 1st started recovery (as I have said, anyone reading do NOT download it) waking myself up to play another life, if I'd actually managed to get off to sleep in the 1st place! I too could see it all the time. @ one point I remember being quite disturbed after reading a post from someone excited that she was dreaming about it, I mean surely she meant nightmare right?!? I did get the OH to hide the iPad a couple of nights when I started to worry I would turn into a Zombie but I'm thankful to say I am over that now! & never mind Sega Mega Drive, I played the Atari until I gave myself tinnitus :-0
I would say, whatever it takes @ the moment, do it, you can worry about this harmless stuff when you are stronger! Having given up smoking & lost all that weight, you know you can do anything you put your mind to - ODAAT
Hi all, not posted for a couple of days but still managing to be strong and get to day 11! As I mentioned earlier, my husband works nights and has been on holiday for a few weeks but is back to work next week and when he used to leave at night I'd be straight on the slots, so not sure how I'll fare when he goes back. However, feeling positive and have no way of getting online as I've installed K9.
I have actually been feeling awfully sick for the past week and have been sleeping for about 10-12 hours each night (going to bed at 7-8pm). If I'm still feeling like this next week I might visit the doctor, but I wonder if my body is just catching up on all the sleep I have lost over the past few months when my gambling was getting out of control??
I'm off to bed soon, had a long day at work and thank crunchie it's Friday!
Good luck all, we can do it!!
Hey Annie.
Great news that you're still on track well done. Your body may be just adjusting to not gambling. I've noticed lots of changes in my energy levels too. I was also very tired for a while but now I feel like I've a new lease of life. Started eating healthily (lots of fruit n veg and making time to choose healthier options ) and this has probably helped. I hope the nausea and tiredness shift soon. Maybe just a virus you're fighting off at the moment.
Best wishes
Clare x
Hi Clare, thanks for the post: I'm off to the docs tomorrow as Im getting more lethargic. It's funny that when my gamblling was out of control I used to tell my husband I was tired and would sneak the laptop upstairs and gamble furiously. Over the past week or so I have spent more time than ever in bed and have not been tempted. I've installed K9 so maybe that has helped as I know I can't get on the devils sites, instead I find myself on hear reading diaries, which are heartbreakingly similar to mine and others.
I am day 13 now and i am so chuffed to have money in the bank. I bought a dress for a wedding I'm going to at Easter and it was great to spend the money without thinking 'is there enough in my account', 'I could have spent that and made more on the slots, bought the dress and paid off my debts'!! w*f, that is the way I would think..utter rubbish, I do not think I have ever won lots and spent it on buying myself anything, only spending winnings on losing more. However, that was then, this is now.
Good luck us, we can do it. Day 14 tomorrow.......bring it on x
Ooh almost on two weeks now. Soo pleased you got that dress and that you are no longer chasing wins. I feel exactly the same as you. The reasons you say about gambling...thinking you are able to win money to pay for something you want and instead you end up wasting the money you had and being able to afford nothing. I was exactly the same.
Well done on two weeks hope you're feeling amazing about it as it's a fab achievement - keep going!
Clare x
Yay on 2 weeks annie67 🙂
I too had those exact thoughts...I had to gamble first to win money so that I could buy stuff etc etc! What were we thinking!?! Don't miss those days!
Great work in your now! Keep doing it - ODAAT
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