Beginning afresh!

Hi 4D

Thanks for posting on my diary and I am pleased to read you have made it past your first month gamble free. I hope those days continue to pile up.

There is book "The easy way to stop gambling" by Allen Carr, well worth a read. Also maybe take advantage of some Councelling, to find maybe the reason you gamble. That was a big key to my recovery.

Keep going and good luck.

Matt

Hi 4D. 33 days without a bet. Well done.

Sometimes we have to fall further in order to see the light. And it sounds like you're drawing strength from the past in order to make the future better.

Hello 4D. Congratulations on 35 Days GF.

Great attitude your showing, very positive. I imagine your partner having total control of the finances could be a bitter pill to swallow. To be prepared to do that is a very brave and responsible thing, it takes maturity and courage to admit we are powerless over gambling and need help - well done.

Good idea of yours to rejoin the gym, maintaining a healthy lifestyle improves confidence and 'working out' can make people feel good about themselves.

I like your intention to monitor your recovery in your diary. I believe regular updates in our diaries can help to keep us focussed.

On 7th September you wrote " Day 1 - Today I did not gamble ". If you can go into your diary every day and write the same thing than you will get your life back. We all get urges to gamble but they do pass. As an example of this you wrote in your diary on Day 25 "The idea of playing slots feels ludicrous at the moment"..... Thoughts come and than they go, that's just what thoughts do.

Wishing you a happy gamble free life, sometimes peaceful and contented but now and than wild and adventurous. Not gambling gives us more scope and increases our options ...stephen

Thanks CML, Matt and Stephen. I appreciate your encouragement. Day 36 and not much to report at the moment except that I am still gamble free and plan to remain so.

Life is very busy at the moment, work, socialising, ga, lots of things on the To Do list. I wonder sometimes when or how I found the time to gamble, but I used to - hours and hours. The answer is of course that I was neglecting everything else to do so. Not any more!!!

Hi 4D,

Well done on getting 36 days GF under your belt. It must have hit you hard getting sucked back in after 4 years. I’ve been trying to stop since 2009 and the longest I’ve gone GF is about 18 months. Like you I’m now trying to address why exactly I keep going back, and have also begun to research topics relating to destructive behaviour, thought patterns and mindfulness. Like you say, something has to change or else we’ll be trapped all our lives.

Best wishes, keep posting!

Reading stories like this when you go so long gamble free, reminds you that you have to be constantly on your guard and that the curse is never truly lifted.

Day 42 and thoughts of gambling are far from my mind today.

Day 47 and right now, its really easy.

47 days ago, I couldn't really remember what this felt like. I knew, theoretically, I could do it - because I'd done it before, lived a day without thinking about gambling. Lots of days in fact. But it's hard to imagine that mindset when you are deep into it and the rhythm of your days is built around when, where and how you're going to gamble.

That is how it is for me. If I allow it, it gradually spreads its tentacles into every part of my life, like an alien lifeform that gradually kills its host. One day I look around and think: is it living off me, or am I living off it??

So when I first stopped, every other thought was still about gambling. How to avoid it. How to fight it. When, where and how not to gamble. I had to supplant gambling thoughts with thoughts of recovery and switch my mindset.

And yes - now this is paying off. I've gone days without thinking about it. I've kept busy, let the days mount up and distraction has become immersion...in other parts of life.

So, 47 days. I could walk away now and not look back. I could try and complete the mindwipe - stop going to meetings, step away from this forum. I know, I've done it before. I put gambling behind me. I convinced myself I was an ex gambler. Hell, I convinced myself I was a NON gambler!!

Well, that's how I did it last time. And I won't say it didn't work, because it did...for a while. This time round, I recognise this is a dangerous path to choose. This path convinced me, after several years, that I didn't have a problem and that I wasn't addicted. I don't think recovery is meant to be this easy...I can't just walk away. Can't leave it half done.

So this time, I'm going to enjoy days, or even weeks, like this for what they are. A pause; a rest. A break from self discovery and a chance to switch off. But knowing that the mountain is still there, and it waits for me to continue the climb, after I've stopped to take in the view.

49 days today and I'm determined to get to day 50.

I've still got debts to sort out and I know I could do more to strengthen the blocks I have in place (I'm self excluded for set time periods but for some reason haven't been able to ban myself for life) - I'm working on it. I want to get there.

Its good to come on here and read a few diaries, people are putting heart and soul into this.

Today I will not gamble.

Day 51. Payday. Gambling is not gonna have one. Single. Penny.

What are my plans instead, I'm going to be cooking a nice meal for my lovely B. And we will have a few drinks and a cosy night in. I'm really looking forward to this as we've both been really busy lately and not spent much time together.

How different to a couple of months ago when I was secretly gambling on my phone whilst we were on holiday and B was asleep. How different to the times I've pretended to have a conversation whilst my mind and my attention was elsewhere. My attention on spinning reels while my life, my actual real life was passing me by...moment by moment, day by day, month by month. We all need to escape and switch off sometimes, but somehow I *switched off* for over a year!

The worst thing is, when gambling, I would never be looking forward to a night in with B. I love him, but I'd encourage him to go out, so I could gamble. Gamble without anyone restricting me or cramping my style. I wouldn't be interested in going for a drink, or I'd say I was sick. Anything to spend time with my addiction, my compulsion.

I'm starting, now, to see glimmers of what life could be without this dragging me down and its good. Its really good. When gambling and when first stopping, nothing feels pleasurable or exciting for me. None of my hobbies or interests appeal. Everything feels a bit flat and try-hard. But I guess its like getting your tastebuds back after having a numb mouth. It takes time and patience. Now I am starting to take interest in and enjoy things again.... It makes me think: if this is what 50 days feels like then bring on 100. Bring on 1000!! For now though, I'll take day 51.

I should note for the purposes of recording my strategies: all my salary was straight away transferred to the joint account, to which I don't have access. Bills to be paid tomorrow with B. So far, this is working well and a definite weight off my mind, worth the hassle of having to ask for and justify any spending. Just seeing 0 in my bank seems to be helpful so far in controlling urges and splurges. And frees my mind up to think about other things. I'm really grateful to B for helping me with this.

Hi 4D,

It's amazing to hear that you are getting your zest for life back! I hope others can find encouragement in your story, when they can't imagine life without gambling. So glad your recovery is going well.

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Hi 4D,

Thank you for the comment on my diary. And congratulations on hitting day 51. What a brilliant achievement. How was the cosy night in?

You've hit the nail on the head for something I've been wondering. About the tastebuds. I've noticed that (I'm on Day 33 now), I've started to become a bit confused about the way I'm thinking. And I think it's the tastebuds finally coming back for my life. I'm sorta sat here thinking...wow, I have a whole new lease of life. Where do I start with it? It feels a little bit better to know you are having similar-ish feelings. I guess all we can do is slowly rebuild our lives and get back to some degree of normality.

Good luck with the next week

Day 57.

Last week the rollercoaster was up, this week its been down and I'm finding it tough. Two steps forward and one back.

I've had a few days of illness and been really down for a couple of them, not wanting to do or go anywhere...life feeling pointless and absurd. I guess we all go through this and I'm very lucky that for me, it has passed. A dark place, not wanting to get out of bed etc. My heart goes out to those who suffer serious depression, I am not in that boat, but it must take serious strength.

I hope people can be kind to one another. Today I will not gamble, I will remember that the cosy promise of a little bet is a false friend, a dead end. I will remember that money is nothing more than a symbol, and compulsive thoughts about money are a symptom of my addiction. The things that make me happy can't be bought by gambling wins because the time I bargain away to the demon is time robbed from my own life. Satisfaction can never be bought only earned. So I refuse that path today.

Day 58 I have not and will not gamble.

Awful day at work and in the past, tonight would be a prime time to 'indulge'. The thoughts creep in, but I am aware of them and face them down and know them for what they are....poison.

Every time I get a thought to gamble, I'm going to try and associate it with a sick and ugly image, thought or feeling. My own version of aversion therapy!!

Urges are still there but what is also helping is knowing that if I bet, I would be found out...I would have to confess to my group...my partner would know as soon as he looked at the bank. The massive hassle of trying to find a way round exclusions and blocks on top of that adds to the reasons Why Not. These are all factors, no one method is 100%, but it all helps, although I still wish the urges wouldn't even come into my mind at all but hey.

Its hard for me to accept this as an illness/mental illness sometimes but that is a debate for another day.

Habit, illness, addiction, weakness, compulsion...whichever it is, or I am, I am going to continue with my strategies so far because they are working. Today I will not gamble!!