Boxing Day 1

Thanks Suzanne.

They sure know what they're doing when they send us these emails. I'm still safe though it's all good 🙂

Great to see your almost back into the century club Clare 🙂

Your comment "Imagine how rubbish it would be to check in and say I'm back to day 1!" made me smile (no idea why)... yes it truly is so dont ever want to see your behind me again! lol

Thanks Mark ..

Only 10 days to go!

Im determined to do this.

There are 141 days left of 2015 so I'd like to see you back there this year too !!

I don't often spend too much time reading diarys, unless I 'know' the person from the challenge etc. As daft as it sounds some diarys actually make me want to gamble at times. I've just read a diary about someone saying why they gamble and I could really relate to it. This in turn stirred up gambling urges that weren't there. Sure, those urges to gamble come from within but I'm realising it's what we see/ read / places we go etc that brings them to the surface.

The last time I relapsed, it was after reading something on here about how blocking software doesn't always stop you from gambling. After this I realised a way I could still gamble and I did.

I'm feeling a little apprehensive about a small amount of money I'm saving in the bank now.

Wonder if I should transfer it elsewhere to make it inaccessible.

Hi,

Saw your post and thought I would respond it that is ok.

My own personal thought would be to transfer the money to make it more difficult to access. In reality you are raising one of your barriers to stop gambling as there may be an issue. My grandad used to say "if you think it - do it!"

Well done for saving as well.

Best wishes

Hi Balvaird

Thanks for your advice and dropping by my diary. I appreciate you taking the time.

Im going to look into moving it elsewhere 'just in case'.

Hate to lose the money I can access.

Clare

Hi Clare,

Was just wondering - whats drawing you to even think about wanting to risk your money?

The thought of incresing your bank balance?
The buzz of playing slots?

You just need to remember its a pointless exercise as once youve started its not easy to just walk away. I know you know this.

Remember you're not missing out on anything by not gambling - no matter what all those adverts try and brainwash you into believing.

Hi Claire,

Thanks for your message :).

I don't have easy access to any surpless money lol, I only leave around a tenner in my bank, I still use cash, because having any extra money on my card, may be just too tempting,

I honestly don't think I will ever be able to totally trust myself again with any spare money in my account, because it closes my triangle too tight lol, my triangle is permantly broken 🙂

It's just too tempting, put your money out of harms way, because gambling only does one thing it seriously harms us and therefore our families.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi and thanks all for your useful advice and you speak a lot of sense, it's much appreciated.

I know I can never fully trust myself either like you say Suzanne. I don't like having access to money albeit only a few hundred pounds as I'd be devastated if one day I just decided to gamble and lost it. It takes me a long time to save up due to other financial comittments and I fully appreciate the value of money.

Mark, as for what's stirred some urges, it's the buzz of playing them mostly. I kind of accept I won't win. The problem for me is I will start small, say mentally a £20 limit but then I chase the loss with another tenner, then another and so on. This used to leave me running up hundreds and at one point into the thousands and sitting playing for hours, sometimes 4am chasing losses. Madness you might say. Often I'd win back what I'd lost at some point and this was my gamblers logic. If I played long enough (and increased stakes) at some point I'd win back some/all I'd lost.

The strategy worked at times! If I didn't win I'd be straight back on the next morning after a short sleep chasing the loss from the previous day. If I'd won, I'd be awaiting the pending withdrawal and calculating how much I'd spent and whether I'd exceeded my overdraft limit again and if I had exceeded credit card limits etc. At this point, by doing this I would also be able to work out whether I had any more funds on my cards to gamble before the pending withdrawal arrived in my account. If the answer was none ... Well the desire to gamble was just too great, I'd cancel the pending withdrawal and the cycle started again. I can't honestly remember ever winning anything significant.

The only time I ever won a significant amount was chasing money I'd lost in the first place.

So ... Hopefully in just revisiting the past briefly to explain how things were ... I think I've just convinced myself I won't go back.

I cannot ever go back to those days. I was tired, depressed, moody, snappy, intolerant, uncaring, selfish and need I go on....

No, today I will not gamble.

I don't ever want to revisit the past and place further limitations on my future.

Until I get myself out of the debt I'm in, I cannot properly plan for the future. Buying a house, saving a deposit is impossible. Someday I'd like to do this and this could be a possibility if I continue to stay stopped !!!

Hi Claire,

The strategy of how you gambled is almost how my gambling worked, and when I did abstain from reversing the withdrawal, (which was impossible at the end) because it was not about money, I very soon put it back on and more.

Another post from Life Begins, who is at the early stages of abstaining, was spot on to me as well,

What utter madness we were gripped in, but we are not now, we know better,

One thing I want to add is, that addiction, comes through, without, reading,seeing or going places, it can pounce on its own without anything to trigger it, when we are happy, sad whatever, it lays there waiting for the tiniest gap.

You are doing a brilliant job with the challenge, and Claire you are doing a brilliant job with your recovery.

We will think of the past madness, that addiction wants us to gamble again, even though the thoughts of the past are very negative indeed,

And every time we think of our gambling past it makes us even more determined and stronger to not go back down that road, and to make it foolproof we have to keep the triangle permantly broken,

Thanks for a post that has reminded me of my gambling mind, (that hopefully forever stays in the past )

Keep going girl, whatever way it takes.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne.

Sounds like we trod similar paths with our old foe the gambling monster ! Thanks for your continued support and providing constant inspiration.

We do remember our past and it's important to remember what it was like now and again to build back up those defences when they begin to crumble slightly. I'm so grateful for having this site (the people on it) and I'm trying to keep close to the site. Doing the 2015 challenge is, in my mind an extra layer of defense. It is a little tough going at times and I try to keep all comments as positive as possible 😉

Anyway I do my best with it and hope we can at least all see out 2015 mentally tougher in recovery and with at least the vast majority of it gamble free.

Clare 🙂

Day 94 ... Will hit the big 100 this week, determined to get there. Odd urges but nothing too impossible this past few days. Getting to 100 days is a good achievement I want this week.

Day 98

Off away for the weekend again tomorrow. Hoping for some nice weather to celebrate hitting day 100 this Saturday 🙂

Day 99 .......

Hi clare, a big well done for reaching 100 days. Hope your enjoying your weekend away.

Mark