hi all
I have no idea why im posting this in all honesty but feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, i can feel my heart just hurting and chest tightening as the day progresses abd i just feel sick to the pit of my stomach.
i was gambke free for about 5 days before yesterday i lost 700 of money that i basically lied my way into getting and it was money that will have to be explained for.
losing that money means i now have no choice but to tell my partner who is carrying my first born.
i kmow that telling her will mean we break up as she has warned me about this before and she is way too good for this life. she gives me love and attention and has always been there and this is what i give her.
last night i thought of ways to just kill myself and ive bottled it before. i hobestly believe if i wasnt going to be a dad i would have ended it because i have absolutely had it.
i am on an iva and my girfriend got a loan out for me and it was most of the money to pay it off. i have slowly conned my way into getting 50% of it which means i am now only half of the way to paying it off.
i have spoken to my iva company and when they see my gambling habits they are going to hit the roof.
i dont care anymore though i used to fight and work hard to try pay off the debts i have but over the last year my gambling losses have probably quadrupled leaving me in even more debt than ever before and no way out.
i honestly dont feel like i have it in me to beat this and when i am dumped and homeless and away from my baby i will be sure to feel even more suicidal.
i just poted this for everyone to understand how f**d up this can make a life of someone who was smart and intelligent and confident and always out. im a recluse now and never have money to go out. i literally csnt even afford small thingd like coffees at work. i tell people i dont fancy one because i am so pathetic that i dont eant them to know i cant afford a 2 quid coffee.
hate life hate everything just hope people out there are doing better
This will not be easy but you can still turn this around, you can still choose life and you can find happiness
you need to confess, whatever the consequences, the longer you leave it the worse it gets, not for you but for your OH. She deserves the truth and the opportunity to make her own decisions
You have made bad choices, you are an addict. neither of these have to mean you are a bad person.
I'm an addict. I've had many suicidal thoughts over the years and mentally I have broken myself. I have hurt those around me repeatedly and I don't know if I can recover all those relationships, including my marriage but I have talked the talk on many many occassions, I am now trying to focus on me and on doing, not just saying.
We all say we want to quit when we get caught or run out of money. You have to want this, you must want to stop and you must now take action and prove to yourself that you can get this back under control. Reach out, tell people, get help, professional help. It will be hard, painful and at times very depressing, however it is a much better choice than what you have been choosing.
small steps, one day at a time
I am a compuslive gambler but today I am choosing to not gamble
best wishes
thank you my friend for reading the post and for your comments.
Absolutely right what you are saying i have to do and not just say.
just so worried because like many other people i have promised its the last time to my partner and i just know what this means for us so it is scary to think that i may be fighting this battle alone.
althouvh this is my first time on here and when i have previously 'stopped' it has been with no barriers and no help. i have stopped by saying im done whereas this time (whilst i have just relapsed) i have put blocks in place like self exclusions and started to comment on here.
bave you managed to stay eith your partner through this? i just hope i can battle this begter now and she appreciates that this time im taking actions to help myself.
i want this so bad now, i did before my relapse bht even more now because ive seen how i can go from positive one day to lower than low the next.
this is day 1 and im determined now to move on and rack some days up!.
thanks
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