Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Hi Michael...glad to see you've started a new thread. I guess you're feeling pretty low after the loss today...its so hard when you have such huge debts to pay off not to be tempted to try and play and win and pay them off a bit faster, I have fallen in to that trap far too often. But realistically are we really going to win back 30k?! If only! We wouldnt be on here if it was that easy!! The thing with us is...we can be 3k up! When I was gambling yesterday I had 4k off £500...and guess what...I lost it all...cos it's never enough! And thats the point...regardless of how much we manage to win, it will never be enough. Its time to stop with trying to find an easy exit and face up to the fact that we have a few years of debt repayments!! But just think how good it will be when we have that £700 a month to spend on our families 🙂 Keep going Michael we can succeed!!!!!xxx

Hi Shorty,

Couldn't agree more. I've been in that situation a few times before where I'm 3 or 4K and lose the lot, and some more. And yes - 30K is gone for good (I also have about 25K left from the last bout of gambling too - my parents have loaned this to me). I need to focus on the future. I've had such a range of emotions during the last few weeks - mostly low, some lower than I've ever experienced before (I've never found myself with my head in my hands so many times). But I'm feeling OK at the moment - I think reading these posts has really helped me, and revisiting my plan - it let's me put things into perspective and realise that all is not lost, and in fact, this experience could be turned into a positive i.e. extra cash + better, stronger person. I know that it's a long journey, but in a few years time, the kids will still be young (Primary School), and I can look forward to a better, happier life, with wonderful hols, great Christmas' and Birthdays and just a better life.

Day 1

No urges

Day 2

Getting a bit ahead of myself with the title of this thread. "Closure - 13th Feb 2013" would be extremely nice, but "Closure - 13th Feb 2014" is really what I wanted to say !

Anyway, my wife has taken the kid's swimming today which has given me a few hours to think things through - feeling OK at the moment. I've done the sums, and I know what I have to do. This will not be easy, but I think that if I can get to the next payday without any problems (and it will be tight), then I will be up and running. I have a bonus next payday, and I'll be using 1/2 of this money to overpay on 1 of the credit cards and the other 1/2 to start building an emergency fund.

I'm planning all of this, without a thought to my addiction, as it gives me focus and hope. Gambling is simply not an option now. I know that I've gone as far as I can, I'm at my limit now. I'm at a fork in the road now - anymore money lost, and I will fall into arrears on mortgage or CC's, or over my overdraft limit at the bank (I've never missed a payment in my life) and my world could come crashing down around me. One more 'binge' and it's curtains basically. I have a few hours work before the wife and kids get back, so I'll get to it.

Had a great day with the kids today. This is what I've been missing as a Dad and it's made me realise what's important. I don't think I've cuddled my kids as much as I have today, and frankly, I've had a few tears in my eyes. I don't know what the future holds - my life might change forever. I might tackle these demons in private, or I might lose my family. The next few months are going to be a real struggle - they may be a living hell, but I'm holding onto the hope that (a) I never gamble again (b) I get on top of the payments and (c) I don't lose my family. By August, I hope to answer yes to all three questions. I have a holiday planned for 10 days (with my wife) in 2 weeks time, so if I get through the next 2 weeks, then the 10 days after that are in the bag.

Day 2

No urges

Hi Michael,

Read your comments on Pliskin's diary, and thought I'd swing by and say hello. I too had a good period of abstinence last year, and have then had a big setback over recent months. Keeping track of all the money is what I'm doing too, and making sure I can cover the upcoming bills, yet still have a small budget for actually doing something fairly enjoyable.

Keep working, and we can beat these demons,

All the best

Ryan

Hi Michael

I think its a good idea to keep track of what you are paying back ,slowly but surely you will see the debts lessen.

I think its a great bit of advice from Ryan to save a small ammount for yourself every so often ,making sure it doesnt become monotemous for you .I believe you should reward yourself for your hard work every so often.All the best Jeff.

Just been looking back at the last time I found myself in trouble, over 2 years ago (I have Microsoft Money installed on my laptop - and I always keep it up to date). I can see that I had 11 Credit Cards - mostly max'd out, and 1 Loan ! I had 22K more debt to the CC companies then than I have now - the min payments must have been £1K+ per month. I thought I felt bad now, but surely not as bad as I did 2 years ago !! I currently have 7 CC's and no loan - still bad, but recoverable. This has cheered me up a little.

... and I earn about £800 more a month than I did then. How I feel at the moment cannot be anything compared to how I felt then !

Day 3

A weird day today. I've generally felt more postive than normal, and for once I haven't had my head in my hands all day. I've just reached a £50 payout threshold on one of the Survey sites, and I've put 5 items on ******* which might get me another £50. £100 for alot of hard work. My 'other-side' could manage to blow that and another £2000 in 30mins. But I've re-joined the real-world, and I cannot, simply CANNOT, allow my other self to resurface, even it's winning - because it isn't real-world, and it's a world which will destroy lives. I can't even bear thinking that there's a 0.00001 % chance of it resurfacing and destroying all the hard work I've put in.

If I go to the supermarket each week, and they make £50 profit from me, then they're happy, but these guys (and it's only 1 online casino this time), have taken £29k from me, and they haven't even worked for it - what do they do with all of this money ?

Anyway, tommorrow I need to move some money into my current account to hopefully see me through, comfortably, to next pay day. Then 'll get my bonus, put it into an emergency £1000 fund, and then any left after that, I'll start piling into Credit Card # 1. The aim is to have that cleared in 3 months, as with the other cards.

Dear Michael,

I have been following your diaries and good to see your very focused with your recovery and to beat this addiction. I too had a very similar problem to you when it all started 10 years ago and having relapses years later.

Like you, my problem was online black jack and it all started with a silly 50 dollar bonus. I was betting rediculous amounts on each hand all counting on the dealer pulling their last card hoping to bust which determines if I won big or lose big. And it is those cards that decided on the wins that we so try and get but fail because we can never get away from the tables if it did come our way.

I again had the same problem as you - do I confess to the family and misses? For me I found it easier to confess to the wife and family and gave me less pressure in trying to conceal my dark side and hiding bank statements and leading a double life. But everyone's circumstances are different and you do what you feel is the best. The reason why I mention this is because I noticed on your diary on several occassions how you were trying to avoid telling the wife and how you come close.

The best way to deal with this debt is have a clear head otherwise you would just feel like jumping off a cliff. Try not to paint pictures of what you could had bought with the debt because that is what drove me to return to the tables and lose again. When you have let go of the money that you once had, that's when your recovery will rev off in your car. When you keep painting pictures of what you could had bought and how much you lost, that is when you have difficulty in accepting the loss. And it is accepting the loss that is so difficult to do which is what makes us compulsive gamblers return.

When I told my wife, parents, family, yes they were angry at me, only to dissappoint them again. But for me, I'm glad I did. I didn't have to try and hide the debt, gamble my way out of the problem, try and get more credit cards and loans to attempt to make that one last big one that will gamble myself debt free. The wife and family also understood why I had been feeling depresssed at times and gave me encouragement to continue.

The more you think about the 80k debt, the worse it would get for you. My advice is to try and forget about the amount you loss and continue your monthly repayments and remind yourself it is another mortgage for something else. You have obviously sorted out your finances and know what your doing and you seem like an intelligent person.

Let go Michael, don't paint pictures, try and not remind yourself of the total debt, reward yourself, treat the kids out, stay healthy, and soon or later you will see how time goes by.

I will keep monitoring your diary and you have my full support.

All the best,

Sunny

Michael, I literally feel sick reading your story because it's so similar to my own and because I empathise with your situation so much. I am concerned though that you seem to be so strong and then lapse and the fact you are keeping this all secret from your family. You come across AMAZINGLY upbeat and strong which is brilliant however you are relapsing which is a big concern. I would implore you to join GA as it was the final thing that got me to stop. You also need barriers in place (no access to large amounts of cash or credit) and I think you should take financial advice. You obviously have a good job and your 60k debt may be like 5k debt to someone who works for minimum wage but maybe and IVA or even bankruptcy could be the way forward. I'm no expert so advice from citizens advice perhaps may help.

My final advice is that if you get low, feel unbelievably stressed or suicidal then tell someone. I've been there, done that and without the support of my wife Im not sure I'd be here. Keep going and if you can manage it you would be a true HERO in my eyes.

Good luck mate.