Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 475

Just thinking back to where I was 5 years ago when I gambled (and almost lost everything), 2/3rds of my income went on debt repayments (including mortgage). Fast forward to 2011 when I had a major blip, it was half. Today it's about 1/3rd - what a great feeling it is, to have worked so hard to have such tangible results. Maybe's one day I will be able to afford that 'posh' car I've always dreamed about.

Day 484

Turned back the clock on Sunday - completed the Great North Run (13miles) for the first time in 5 years, which ironically, is 5 years to the day that I placed my first bet. Considering I only started running again 8 weeks ago (1st time in 5years), I was only 2mins slower than last time, physically, I feel no worse - 5 years of stress and worry having blown 80-90k, 5 years older, but wiser and more determined than ever. I think there's a 1:40 in my legs, if I prepare better which I fully intend to do for next years run. Very pleased indeed, and I'm feeling re-invigorated be because of it.

Well done with the Great North Run - that's a great achievement! It's been ten days since your last post - I hope you are still clean and hammering those debts into oblivion.

Day 496

Only 4 days until that magical 500 !! That said, for the 1st time in a long time, I had a few urges, but the thought of having to reset the clock to a big fat 0, that added to the amount of progress I've made was enough for me to stay well clear. Why did I have those thoughts ? A little tired and a little bored to be honest. Having hammered away at debts for so long, but feeling less and less stressed about it every day, I don't feel the necessity to work as much now, and I'm trying to think of ways of filling the time. The kids are looking after themselves now - my eldest is out with his mates all the time now, so suddenly I have some freetime, and I don't know what to fill it with. Need to do something, run a marathon, start playing football again, or get a promotion at work - should all be a doddle compared with what I've achieved in the last few years.

496 days is a massive feat well done mate, 4 days until the big Monkey! 🙂

Day 499

So, 500 days is nearly upon me. Can't say that I'm 'cured' - now and again, I will have a urge - usually a combination of boredom, tiredness or frustration, but I have enough blockers in place now stop me now. But a 500day abstinence is only half the story. It's now over 5 years, since I placed my first bet - up until then, the most I ever did was a couple of quid on the Grand National, and maybe's a Scratchcard now and again. But just over 5 years ago, I was swept along with debt/easy credit culture of the time, and was able to buy our dream home at a vastly inflated price, with an easily obtainable mortgage at way over I was able to afford. It didn't take long for me to realise that I was struggling to pay the mortgage, and that, coupled with the prospect of losing my job meant I started to panic and started to look at ways of making extra cash. I noticed that Online Casinos were giving free bets, and there were loads of them, so I signed up - and something bad happened - I won. That 1st day, £20 became £500 very quickly. Day 2, I came back for more, £500 became £0. Day 3, frustrated, £0 become £700 loss... and then I was hooked. I was £3K down after 2 weeks, and one night, I was up £3K - did I stop then (?) - of course not, I lost the lot, and some more. Then the downward spiral. Fast forward 5 months, £60,000 lost, 10 Credit Cards max'd out, with Mortgage payments and Min Credit Card payments covered by my wage and my wife's small wage covered the bills - in total we had about £100 left each month for food, clothes etc. I remember sitting at my desk at work, shivering, feeling unwell, coming home going straight to bed. Didn't eat for a day, before cracking in front of my wife, confessing all, begging her not to leave me. I spoke to my parents, and they helped me dig my way out of the hole - obviously they were massively disappointed with me. I then spent the next 2 years, barring a few blips, trying to pay back the debts. But once again, early 2011, I fell off spectacularly, undoing all of the previous 2 years hard work in an 5 month binge, losing another £35K in the process. The final binge, late May-2011 when I managed to lose £9K on an afternoon. But I knew that unlike the previous time, my wife might leave me if she found out and my family might disown me - I might lose everything. So head down, I started working on paying this all off. Again, a few more blips, but finally I managed to get my head sorted, last bet being during Jun-2012 - complete abstinence since then.

Since then, slow, hard progress, but things have slowly turned around. I still have massive debts - most of my friends are close to paying off their mortgages - I have hundreds of thousands of pounds left on mine + a still huge CC debt. But nowadays, the debt is manageable - I can pay min payments, and still have plenty left over for Holidays, Xmas, etc - but still I cannot rest until I know for certain they are under control and I need to get as much paid before interest rates start rising.

Apart from all of that, life is good - I'm more relaxed now, don't bicker as much with wife or kids now, and I think they're happier now too. We still have our dream home, with wonderful holidays, steady jobs, kids are at great schools and doing well, family are close-by. Colleagues who I work with on a daily basis, and frequently socialise with have no inkling of the previous 5 year journey - I've extremely proud that I've managed to hold it together at work, and not allowing the quality of my work to be compromised at all.

All-in-all, a big turnaround and a world away from where I was - something to be really proud of.

well done

Day 500

Wow - that's alot of days !

Hey Michael,

Be proud and well done!

New World welcoming you with both hands...take it all because you deserve it!:-)

Day at a time

Sandra

Day 516

Moved some more money around, paid off more CC debt and another card bites the dust ! Chance at promotion is closing in at work, so want to give this my full focus for the next 3 or 4 weeks.

Day 16

Yes, had a minor blp. The clock has been reset. Wasn't in the best of moods, so set myself an account with an online casino, deposited some cash, had a few hours online, but this time, stopped when I was ahead, and attempted to withdraw the cash. But what I discovered this time around is (a) I didn't feel anything at all - no adrenalin rush, no sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, no roller coaster of emotions - in fact I was quite bored (b) I really don't have an urge to go back and gamble any more - it really was a complete non-event, and a complete waste of my time.

However, one thing I must add is that the gambling company have held my funds, because its one Ive previously self-excluded from and I've 'bypassed security' i.e. I've set up a new account and deposited money -funny how they flag this when I try to withdraw, not when I deposit - it's been 'referred to the regulators', but as it stands now, they have £700 of my money. Typical.

Michael. Funny that from these bandits that like taking your money but not giving it back. Bet they wouldn't give it back if you lost it. You must go back and read your own diary when you have the urge and remind yourself why you don't gamble. I wish I would of taken my own advice. I have spent thousands on gambling and I am on day 6 of my third diary. It always starts as a I can Manage a few little bets. Then before I know it I am doing 100 quid spins on fobt and losing my lot on a fixed machine. I tend to do ok on other bets but the whole lot is linked.

Don't get sucked in mate. Keep on this side

All the best. A.n.d

Yes, your right. Ok, I felt nothing when I gambled last week, but even 500+ non-gamble days, and I still get the urge. I don't think we're ever 'cured'. Anyway, I've received an email today from the gambling company, and they're refunding my deposit, and withdrawn my 'winnings'. What is laughable is that I was able to set up a new account and register card details with no challenge whatsoever - the whole process took less than 5mins, same card, same details before I self-excluded. Come on, someone with a name and address the same as someone who has self-excluded should sort of be a sort of dead giveaway - so they don't pick up on that (of course), but wait until you've deposited and won, before saying 'sorry, despite our lack of investment in an system that lists names and addresses of folks who have self-excluded, we'll let you sign up again, give you bonus credits to boot, and if you win, we'll let nullify your winnings. Now if you lose, then it's tough t*tty, because you'll not be withdrawing anything'. So in spite of the 40k they've taken from me in the past, waste-of-time self-exclusion system has allowed me to create an account within 30seconds, deposit cash, and win £100 - which they've then taken off me. It's genius, they've a fool proof way of still taking money from you when you reached your lowest ebb, and self-excluded - but just proves that they are the lowest of the low - i hope they rot in hell.

I thank you.

Hi Michael, i've just started following your epic diary. Well done on your extended periods of abstinence, I'm going to have to go back and read every post because you seem to be such a strong character and I hope to take inspiration from the strength you've shown in your terrible 5 year battle. I can relate to a lot of what I read so far though.

I started problem gambling at around the same time as you, September 2008 but it was up and down at first, it took a while though before it really accelerated to unmanageable levels.

I have lost £60k+ in the last 3 years though, originally it was football betting but my major downfall has been online blackjack which is probably responsible for 90% of my overall deficit. I'm 31 and have nearly £50k debit now, spread over credit cards, a loan, my overdraft and money i've borrowed from family : (

I'm only 8 days clean at this time, but i have started counselling, have k9 on my laptop and handed over control of my finances to family members. I have of course tried to stop a few times before but have never been totally committed as I am now.

Enough about me anyway, just wanted to say thank you for your diary as I think reading it could help me a lot on my road to recovery. Cheers, nat.

Hi Michael! Long time no speak! I've been away from the site for ages it was driving me mad constantly reading about gambling. I've not been doing too badly I probably have a blip once every couple of months but nothing major sometimes I win sometimes I lose like you said in ur last post I get no joy from it anymore it's just done out of boredom! Amazing that you reached 500 days and sorry about ur recent blip you just got to try and refocus yourself again...easier said than done!! Anyway, glad ur still around 🙂 let us know how ur getting on xxx