Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 32

Hi Shorty8 - Many thanks for you comments and yes, I'm hoping what you're saying is true and apologies to any readers for the number of expletives in my rant yesterday but reading it back out loud, it does sound a little Victor Meldrew-esq - my mind must be very warped because it's actually made me smile when I read it back today. The fact that me and my immediate colleagues have spent the entire day convincing ourselves that we're "much too valuable to get asked to leave the company" has in some dark and warped way quite comical. And yes, there's nothing amusing about the situation I might find myself in, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I just need to start getting that CV out. Got some extra cash today, so made a big dent in CC#1 - hopefully fully paid off by August. Then only 4 big CC's left, 2 little ones. It's not easy, but hell, this is the situation, I've mapped my recovery and I know where I'm going to be in 3 years - simple as.

Day 33

A better day today. A few things have come up at work that have made me release that I'm in a safer position than alot of others. I haven't discussed any of this with my wife, because I simply do not want any financial alarm bells ringing. I'm the only one that can get us out of this mess, and to tell my other half I've lost another £30K and I might lose my job in 3 months time might have a disasterous effect. Either I guide this through, or we're sunk. So far, in 33 days, I don't think I'm doing a bad job at all. I'm on verge of paying 1/2 of CC#1 off, and I've mapped an aggressive plan to get the subsequent CC's paid off every 3 months. I have it mapped out, and I know what I need to do. I don't want control of this taken out of my hands, and I don't want knee-j**k reactions - I bring in 5 times more than my other half, and it's my work that will fix this. More determined than ever to do this, and not a hint of gambling urges despite me having money in my account.

Day 34

Another day passes and I keep chipping away at the debt. Regardless of what is owed to the Credit Card companies (about £35,000), and a few overdrafts, the total above is the amount I'd lost - amount paid back to Gambling before I started my recovery on 28th May.

However, I've been looking at what the Grand total lost to Gambling over the last 3 years has been , and it's a staggering £83797 (ish) !!! The total amount I've paid back over the last 3 years is £25019 (ish) (£1706 in the last 34days). The figure of £25019 I've derived from money I probably wouldn't have considered earning had I not have gambled e.g. Overtime, Mystery Shopping, Free Competitions, Surveys, and Cashback. Anyway, my diary finishes, and my recovery is complete when I have a diary entry which says

Total wasted Gambling : £0

.. which by my reckoning, at this rate will be on day 1176 - 18/09/2014, 6years to the day after I placed my first bet - how fitting.

Day 35

Some good news today - I won an Ipad 2 in one of the free comps I doing. Great, an expensive piece of kit, something that will be going straight on e b a y. This is the hole I've dug for myself, and these are the sacrifices I'm making. The amount I'll get for this (probably £500) is an amount I would easily lose in 15mins of blackjack in the bad days. My 1 and only focus is chipping away at this debt, and it will remain this way until it's paid, in full. I've never felt so underwhelmed.

Day 36

(This is for yesterday).

Got a letter today from the CC company saying that they're going to extend my limit by £2500. I haven't even applied for one. For the first time in 36 days, my mind went in what-if mode i.e. what-if I put £1k on Blackjack, and I got into one of those '£5K up situations'. Thankfully, it didn't get as far as a few thoughts. The news that my Credit Rating is not as bad as first thought, together with an improvement in my financial state since last month, together with tiredness, together with boredom meant that my mind started to wander. Must keep focussed on this. This diary is really helping though because I've 'reported in' every day now for 36 days (except when I was on holiday). The temptation is still there, I know it is, and I need to make sure that as the Credit Cards are paid, that they are cancelled.

Day 37

Another day - feeling relaxed about the financial state. That will all change if I lose my job. But for the time being, I'm eating away at CC#1 - that's all I can do. Gambling has been in my thoughts again today, but thankfully nothing else. Not really an urges as such, just a few thoughts.

Day 38

Just received a call from my OH saying in some state saying in an emotionally aggressive manner "Tell me we're not in trouble financially ??!!". A court summons had appeared on the door-mat regarding late Council Tax payment. I was on holiday, and was 3 days late paying it ! For f**k's sake, 3 measley days and they threaten me with Court action. It was all resolved with 1 phone-call, and it appears that I've overpaid anyway. I'm the bread-winner in our house. For every £1 my wife earns, I earn 5, for every hour my wife works, I work over 2. My OH knows how hard I'm working to pay this off, to make sure that we have nice holidays, that the kids are well clothed and well fed, but instead of asking to help, she's showing this threatening behaviour again. I sometimes feel very alone with this addiction and I'm surrounded by people who do not, or do not want to understand it. Like any addiction, people are easy to dismiss it. Since the day I first announced my addiction - Feb 09, it has never been mentioned again. I don't feel that those around me would be prepared to understand, or help, if I confessed my latest set-back (be it 38 days ago). I'm making huge strides towards paying this back, and I'm pleased with progress, although small in grand scheme of things. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be pulling up trees to understand and help - but I've been through it - but my OH seems happy to sit back and watch me suffer, working day-in day-out to pay this off. Her continuing jumpiness about our financial state of affairs is making me incredibly nervous, worrying about what will land on the doormat when she's at home, and her attitude towards today's issue has made me realise that I cannot confess. If I did, I suspect a completely destructive attitude from my OH which would result in losing everything, even though I have it under control at the moment.

Hi.

I kind of flicked through your diary and got the basics, the jist of what happened and where you are now. Going through it alone without support and hiding it must be so difficult. I'm glad you have refrained for 38 days and I hope those numbers one day contain noughts on the end.

Good luck with your endeavour.

Day 39

I ranted a bit yesterday, sorry about that, I was in a particularly tired and grumpy mood. Still feeling down today though. I think it's because I've been working out where I am financially, and I've had a stark reminder of the damage I've done. I've been thinking about the amount of money I've worked hard for and saved in the last 39 days, and it's depressing to think that at the height of my addiction, I could easily have lost this in half an hour. I feel really bad and guilty about keeping this secret, but I remain of the opinion that I'm paying it back, and it will / is getting a little bit easier every day, but the damage I could do if I was to confess might be greater than going alone with this. I can see some light at the end of this - be it 2/3 years down the line, and I've planned for a 3 month repayment plan for each of the Credit Cards (5 in total). CC#1 could be paid back next month (be it with help of a 0% BT from another card). I still keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from this nightmare at some point. - what a mess. Oh and gambling ? - I have the bit between the teeth on repaying this and I'm not about to let go because the minute I take the foot of the pedal on this, then my mind will begin to wander.

Hi Micheal,

I'm Jas and I've been around on here since April 2009. I still read loads but don't post as often but I would like to contribute to your diary please.

I have read your last few posts and wanted to offer some support, if I may? I'm like you...I have run up a shed load of gambling debt. I can see what you are trying to do by showing the debt decreasing...i did that too in the early days. I had spreadsheets galore, working every penny out. I found that, although this can be beneficial, dependant on the size of the debt it can also work in the reverse. It can be seen as too big a mountain to climb and can also take your focus away from the actual recovery part of this addiction.

You have to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover. I know this may be diffcult when there are debts staring you in the face but once the repayments are being made regularly and there is no more gambling to add to the pressure it does become easier.

Dealing with this addiction alone is tough. You need support, that's definite. If you feel unable to discuss with your OH then could I suggest contacting Gamcare to arrange some counselling. I found it very beneficial to open up and to try to understand my behaviour.

My gambling debts are still there but i don't dwell on them. I have had to accept that to move forward in recovery I have had to accept that all that money has gone and it will....eventually...get paid back. Try to move your focus away from the money...I know it is difficult especially when you are the major wage earner but it will help you to move along to the next step of your recovery journey.

Wishing you success...keep going.

Jas x

Hi Jasmine,

Thanks for your comments - it's given my renewed determination. You're right, I feel uncomfortable showing that my debt is decreasing, and posting the amount for other members to see. And you're right, what's important is my recovery. Previously, I had an action plan, which worked brilliantly for 2 and a half years, and I'd almost finished paying my expensive debt (Credit Card). I reached a stage where I started to take my foot off the peddle and my mind started to wander i.e. I had some "me" time which ended up costing my £30K - basically, it's boredom.

I think that I'm not facing the real problem, rather masking it with focussing on the debt, which seems to have worked in the past. I will seek counselling. If I do lose focus on paying off this debt, I will stand to lose my house, and my wife, my friends, the last remaining respect of my family (not that there's any anyway), and finally my job. I have this horrible sinking feeling about this.

Day 40

Got to day 40, woo-hoo ! A long way to go yet. My head's been screwed up a little during the last few days - I put it down to (a) Gradual realisation of the situation I find myself in (b) Debt and money worries - particularly eminating from my OH. Gambling has crossed my mind, but not really seriously. This diary is working wonders for me. If nothing else, I've spent all this time posting each day for 40 gamble-free days and I'm not wasting all of that hard work ! I've read some inspirational stuff on the forum which has really helped. My enemy is boredom, so I continue to occupy my mind each day.

Dear Michael,

Just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on your 40 days gamble free. I'm also glad to see you have removed your total debt from each post. I am far from perfect but thought I give you some advice.

I have noticed on your posts that you do keep mentioning how much debt you owe from gambling which from my experience does make it very difficult for recovery. If you can recall when I posted a while back my advice was not to keep focusing on the actual debt. Jasmine mentioned this on her post as well. The more you keep focusing on the debt, it is very difficult for you to 'let go' of the debt.

It be really nice to hear what you have been doing to take your mind off gambling and on your actual recovery, such as spending time with the kids, the family, any special days to look forward to, birthdays. It's not all about gambling, it's what you are doing to ease you to your recovery. As long as your mind is focused on something else your recovery will rocket. If you keep thinking about the debt which you are doing now, although it is decreasing, you are battling to let go this and I can see you are still very stressed over it.

Your debt is in control, you are still working hard and it will be paid off. It does take time and won't be fast. Believe me I know. There is no need to sacrifice any of your good mind and health over something that isn't important. You, your health, your family are important. You will be debt free. You just need to relax, stop calculating the figures, let your hard income slowly decrease the debt, take your mind of this all and focus on other importance of life.

The recovery will come when you no longer think about gambling even if you are paying the debts off slowly. The recovery will halt when you keep focusing on the debt everyday and that is the danger.

Everyone has different ways to recover. This is just my experience and advice that I can offer.

All the best,

Sunny

Day 41

Thanks Sunnyjosh. A bit of a lightbulb moment really thanks to your's and Jasmine's posts . I spend most of my waking moments thinking about the debt. Calculating over and over again, how much I owe, and when I'll pay it off by. This is the way I dealt with it the 1st time around, and I wound up worse off than when I started - I ran myself down, and out of steam basically, and went back to gambling. At the moment, I have the odd urge, but I have barriers in place to stop it from becoming more than just a passing thought. Focussing too much on the debt can become frustrating and when that happens, I start thinking of quick-fixes, and you know what that means. I can't change the way I am, but I feel I'm heading in the right direction, just probably the wrong road. So I need to re-prioritise, which is putting recovery and family 1st, debt's 2nd. I'm going to try and focus on family time, rest, sleep and recuperation. I'm not going to forget the debt totally (how can I ?) - I do have alot, and it will be a struggle to keep up with min payments from time-to-time. I am keeping this from my OH (and yes, I feel incredibly guilty about this), but we have a house, a car, nice holidays and nice birthday's and Christmas's and that will do me fine ! For the time being, the debt seems to be under control, I'll keep doing what I'm doing, but now not to the detrement of rest, health, well-being or family time. I really appreciate your comments because I feel that they're really helping me to adjust direction - I just need to be told from time to time.

Michael,

You don't need to thank me. I want to thank you for listening to me. Recovery is not something that you can fix in a few days. It takes time depending on the the individual circumstances. You will keep thinking about the debt. My advice is to focus on your actual recovery - spend more time building and focusing on your life, rather than thinking about the debt.

In my personal views, recovery does not mean when a person is debt free or gamble free.

Recovery is building and focusing on a strong relationship with your personal life that gives you the strengths and will power to forget about gambling, debt how much you owe etc. For example, mine is focusing on my family, spending quality of time with the little one, listening to music, going to the gym, even playing video games, taking new hobbies.

Once you have the debt under control you can slowly pay this off and then concentrate and focus on your life. I think you are finding it difficult to maintain the debt under control because of your other half.

From what I can see on your posts, which we did discuss previously, you are struggling to hide this away from your wifeand this is what is stressing you. Fighting this addiction and recovering on your own and trying to pay off the debt is one tough challenge you are setting over a very long period. If you are struggling to keep your OH from knowing, you may need to consider telling her the truth. It won't be easy but once the truth comes out you will feel a lot more positive that you were honest and she can support you.

Stress is a serious part of gambling. Without the help of my wife and parents and family, I don't know how could get through my very dark times. For me stress = gambing because I try to gamble my way out and only to make it a lot worse.

When you feel more positive in your recovery, you are less likely to gamble your way out of trouble in your because you are making great progress and don't want to ruin it.

From what I can read in your posts, I can just see the stress and pain in you everyday which really is not helping your recovery.

I rather be happy, positive, paying the debt with no interest in gambling, then a debt free compulsive gambler that had been stressed through out their recovery and vows to seek revenge on the casino's.

This is a long road recovery and what you want to read in your diary is how you as a person has changed from the gambling, not just the debt decreasing. It does not matter if the debt has decreased if you as a person has not changed. Your an intelligent happy respected guy with a loyal wife and kids. And that's the person you want to be at the end of the diary.

Sunny