Hi Michael,
Good to see you are still going well. Seems like you have a much healthier state of mind than a month ago. The debt is what it is... f**k it, at least you have your family and a great plan of action.
Keep it going P.s. I am on day 38 today, so I hope I never catch you up 😉
Cheers, Jim
Day 42
Hi Jim, Yes, fingers crossed you never catch me up, and you remain 3 days behind me for ever ! Yes, nuts to the debt - I'll get it paid eventually - it's not an insignficant amount as you have probably gathered, so still wary of keeping up with the payments. Pleased to say, no urges today - pretty non-descript sort of day really.
It's funny really, I don't feel like I CG at the moment, nor have I for the last 42 days. I don't feel any urge, I'm not suffering withdrawal symptoms, nothing really - not knocking it of course, it's great - just a bit un-nerving.
Day 43
Nothing much to report today. Boredom is my main enemy here - when I get into prolonged bouts of boredom, when that's when I most vunerable - I need to be doing stuff. I can't sit in front of the TV every night - it just doesn't interest me in the slightest. Alot of our friends spend their evenings 'chilling' - I can't, I get bored, which infuriates my wife. Maybe it's all the coffee I drink !
I used to be pretty fit, but I've let it all go in the last ..erm.. 3 years, since my last marathon on 5th Oct 2008, 2 weeks after I started gambling - now there's a coincidence !
Might run another Marathon, but do I have enough motivation to see it through ? Could set myself a tough target (sub 3hrs ?) - keeping me away from Gambling might be motivation enough.
Getting a promotion at work would be a huge challenge but it may take some of the boredom out of my job.
I need to set these challenges, so I can focus my mind and look back on these dark days as a turning point.
Day 44
Had a tiring day to day. My son had a friend over for a sleep over, so it was a very late night indeed ! Needless to say, I wasn't in the best of moods today. Took my daughter to the park, which I did not do particularly energetically. I think my boredom partly comes from tiredness. I basically need to get more sleep.
Gambling - becoming more of a distant memory each day. 43 days into this, and I really don't want to have to re-write Days 1-43 again.
Day 45
5 days to the next milestone ! Pushed the debt issue to the back of my mind - wasnt' difficult really. Still feeling tired today - having problems switching off and relaxing basically. It's not the Gambling that's the problem, it's because I've become so accustomed to working long hours to pay off the debt. But anyway, at least I'm not wasting time gambling, because in the last 45 days, I can safely say, I've had no urges, and that's partly due to this diary. The amount of work I've put into getting my feelings down every day for the last 45 days means that I now have another barrier in place i.e. explaining to you guys that I've fallen off the wagon, as I've convinced myself that I'd be letting you and myself down.
Michael, congrats on the 45 days.... I do enjoy reading your posts, it's almost painful at times, painful in a way I and many others on here can relate to.
Whilst I appreciate the sentiment though, I disagree with your last post, as open as you appear to have been, you could already have fallen off the wagon, you could be gambling as you type/read the forum, alas us fellow posters, we come, we go, some -like me - even leave only to come back, some just change their diary or even their screen name, so what does it come down to?
The Only person you ever really have to answer to is yourself, I could have gambled today, opportunity, means and in some ways a reason to were there today, no-one else would ever have known, but I didnt because I would have known, it's me I don't want to let down. Sure if I gamble I will let my wife down, I don't want to ever do that, but it's me, me that didn't gamble, me that is choosing day by day to not gamble.
You have done wonders, well done and keep up the good work and well done on choosing not to gamble, keep making that choice for yourself and those around will reap the rewards.
Take care and hope what I've written makes sense, can't read it properly on my phone!!!!
Dan
Day 46
Dan,
You're right, and I've done it before i.e. started new diaries etc. (and I haven't fallen off the wagon this time). And yes, I know, I'd be letting myself down, and yes, I'm not really answerable to anyone except myself on this forum. I've read some inspirational stuff on this forum, and some real success stories - people who have turned their lives around beyond all recognition. This is what I want, and a recovery diary that I can look back on and feel proud of my achievement.
In my last post, I was trying to convince myself that I would be letting down alot more than just myself and thus setting up more barriers (if that makes sense). But deep down, I know that I'm answerable to myself only.
Day 46 - Part 2
My wife had a quiet word today, starting with the words "I've got some bad news, and you're not going to like it ..." (my stomach sinks). She went on to explain that when she was in town earlier today at the cashpoint, an old lady behind her was attempting to cross a busy road and stepped out in front of a car, which beeped, then swerved and avoided her. Seeing that she was having trouble crossing, my wife took her by the arm, and helped her over (bless her) - meanwhile, someone was helping themselves to her £60 which she'd withdrawn but not taken from the cashpoint. Jesus, what sort of world do we live in ? Anyway, she was fretting about losing £60 ?! Ahem
Anyway, and I'm going to stop mentioning gambling because I report the same thing every day - no urges, and for today my gambling addiction is dead, passed on, is no more, ceased to be, expired and gone to meet it's maker, a stiff bereft of life, it rests in peace, metabolic processes are now history, kicked the bucket, shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible, this is an EX-ADDICTION.
I'll report if it does start showing signs of life though.
Glad you see it as an ex-aaddiction Michael but make sure that it doesn't turn into complacency. The little gambling gremlin always attacks when our guard is at it's lowest.
With regards to you marathon training, go for it mate. You've done it before, and what better way to mark the "new you" than achieving a goal such as that.
2 reasons why you can find the motivation for the marathon.
1. You've done it before
2. You have found the motivation to kick gambling for 46 days and counting.
You are one seriously strong-willed B*****r if you ask me! Now get your running gear on and get training.
Think of the rush you will get when you complete the marathon, knowing that you're gambling demons are a distant memory and you are back in the shape of your life....
All the best matey,
Tim
Day 47
Tim, you're right. I'm slipping into middle-age, each day the tyre around my waste gets inflated a little more. Was this gambling phase a mid-life crisis of some description ? Everything I had has gone flat over the last few years - job, social life, sport, cash to spend. Perhaps gambling was a reaction to the frustration of reaching an age where I'm closer to getting my free bus pass than getting asked for id down the pub.
During my 20's I had a ball - went to Uni, went out with my mates, went night-clubbing, played football, had my season-ticket, went on holidays, met my wife, had money to spend, and got married.
During my 30's we had 2 wonderful kids, became responsible, got promoted, bought 2 houses, ladened ourselves with mortgage, stopped going out, stopped playing sport, lost my hair, went grey, gambled £80K away.
Only a few months into my 40's now, I'd like to say :
During my 40's I beat a serious addiction, got promoted, payed of the debts, grew my hair back (ha, ha), saw my 2 kids through school to Uni, ran a Marathon in under 3hrs, played 11-a-side football again, started going out again.
I was gutted on my 40th birthday, I want to be elated on my 50th !
P.S. No gambling urges today.
40 is not old!!!! You're just out of practice with regards the training and you just need to give your social life a kick start! Once you start training again and organising your social life you'll realise you're still a spring chicken!! They say that 1 in 10 people will live to 100 now...you could still have 60 years left!!! Enjoy yourself...stop worrying about the debts, as long as you're not gambling and not buying silly things on the credit card they will gradually decrease without you having to worry about it!
Can you tell I'm feeling super optimistic today lol?! xxx
Day 48
Feeling sorry for myself yesterday. Feeling better today. 2 days until that 50 milestone !
Day 49
Sorry, another moan.
Spent some family time this evening at the local Cricket Club, but ended with an incident with my little girl and a 5 year-old s**t and his mates, leaving her unconsolable for literally hours after the event - and I mean real tears. These kids can do no wrong in their parents eyes, but in ours, they are little sh*ts who land on their feet every time and get away with it every single time. I'm sitting here, and in 49 days this is the first time I've given you-know-what some thought. The parents of these kids are supposed to be our friends, and are the last reminants of any social circles we have - but I hate it - the boasting, the snobbery, the constant oneupmanship. the clickiness. But unfortunately, that's the way it is. It makes me laugh, but it makes me equally angry and frustrated - I guess I just need to accept it - sigh.
Hi Michael 35
Stay strong mate, I understand it must be distressing to see your daughter crying so much but don't let these people at the club and your feelings towards them sway you from the real important things in life.. At least her father is here to console her right now, and eventually through the love of her parents she will feel better. How will you feel if you do you-know-what? I'm pretty sure you would feel a lot worse than you do at the moment. From what I've read of your posts, keeping the family unit together is what means the most to you, with good reason. So try and gather yourself in and remember what your doing it all for. I'm sure this will be day 50. Then 51. Ad infinum. Keep it going. All the best.
Conrad008
Keep going Michael, i always check your diary and think you're doing great. Life will always throw us little ups and downs but we cant rely on gambling anymore as an escape as ultimately it only makes it worse!
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
