This weekend I've gambled away nearly £400 in total on sports betting and FOBT's.
It's money that has come from my savings of which I have very little left. So I'm lucky that I'm in no debt or owe anybody any money etc.
However, I feel like that would be my next step if I don't get a grip of my addiction.
I've gambled on/off since I was 18, so nearly 20 years of my life. At no point in my life have I ever felt in any kind of control with my gambling. In the same way that a normal person would be able to gamble responsibly.
More important than the money I've lost is the time I've wasted on this addiction. Eventually that money I've lost will return if I keep on top of my addiction but the thing that won't ever return is the time lost.
This evening at 17:43 is the last time I ever want to bet a penny on anything.
I have all the online blocks in place that are available and in time I intend on telling a couple of close friends about my addiction. I need somebody to be accountable for.
This is it.
My last attempt at stopping was around about 5 years ago. I did manage to go a few years without having a bet but as soon as the Gamstop ban was available to lift, I fell back into the trap. Then when I re-signed back up to Gamstop, I took to the shops and FOBT's.
Not anymore, it's time I took my life back once and for all and started living again. The last time I felt like I was truly living was when I was 18.
Over the next few days I'll be setting myself some short and long term goals to give me something to focus on.
Here we go.... my new life starts now.
Hi
Thank you for your honesty and your strength in opening up.
Finding help in a recovery program help me save my life.
The addiction was a form of self abuse and self neglect.
Going to work for money and then wasting it away time and time again.
Finding a recovery program was very healthy thing for me to do.
I was emotionally vulnerable from a very young age.
Going to amusement arcades and skipping out of times in my life.
I to had control issues about my money and my things.
My control issues just indicated how inadequate and insecure I was with in my self.
I use to think my gambling was the most exciting thing in my life.
In truth it was very much fear based and a way of living my life in my many fears.
The more money I lost the more I was hurting my self.
Each time I went Gambling I Made things much worse in my life.
How emotionally vulnerable did I feel after losing all of money again and again.
How much pain was I causing to myself after losing all of money again and again.
How much fear was I causing to myself after losing all of money again and again.
That money I've lost was a waste of my time and my energy.
How many weeks did it take me to earn that money.
In time I would say to myself just for today I will not gamble.
In time I would say to myself just for today I will not have to much money on my person.
In time I would say to myself just for today I will not have access to much cash or any credit cards.
The simple truth I could not trust myself with to much money on my person.
In time I would write down my needs and get those things done.
In time I would write down my wants and get those things done.
In time I would write down my goals and get those things done.
My time is used wisely now and I am much more healthy.
It was not enough for me to just abstain from gambling and then sit on my hands doing nothing with my life..
I use to hear old people say that there was not enough time in their days.
Now I am 77 years of age and put more effort in to my life.
Money and being action was the most important things in my life before my recovery.
I got to understand that by writing down things on paper I am being more committed to myself and my recovery.
The sequence of my recovery was to abstain from gambling.
By going to meetings with healthy therapies my fears would reduce.
By going to meetings with healthy therapies my trust and confidence would grow.
By going to meetings with healthy therapies I would be more honest and heal the hurt inner child in me.
My clean time can not be lost, I have lived it.
It was important to keep walking in to meetings no matter when my last bet was.
When I heard people saying that they were cean from gambling for a year did I believe them.
When I heard people saying that they were cean from gambling for 5 years did I believe them.
When I heard people saying that they were cean from gambling for 10 years did I believe them.
Why were they able to be so open and honest and be without any fears.
Having been in recovery over 50 years why still go to meetings.
The people in the recovery program demonstrate so much honesty and focus in me living a healthy day today.
The most important things in my life today is healthy relationships and using my time wisely.
I still write own my lists of my needs my wants and often my many goals.
For me gambling is a very unhealthy thing for me to do.
I am emotionally detached from gambling just for today.
For me just for today gambling is a very unhealthy thing for me to do.
Healing Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Day 1
No major urges to gamble today. Other than a very fleeting thought on my drive home from work. But it was fleeting. As quickly as I imagined putting the bet on, I remembered how I felt 24 hours earlier and that I must start making things right again. I imagine the first few weeks will be tough as I try to change my habits.
I came home from work and decided to put my Christmas tree and some decorations up. Christmas is the time of the year that I love the most and I am determined to enter the festive period with the mindset of being over a month gamble free and in a much happier and calmer headspace.
A quick word of caution the first few weeks are the easy part theres a lot of motivation to change and usually people are too skint to be gambling
The real tests will begin around the 6-8 week mark
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