Dan's Journey

Great post Dan. Thinking of you and your fight mate

Hi Dan, so glad you found the strength and listened to people on here and pushed through your darkest times. Keep posting and those urges will get less and less. It's amazing in a short space of time how better you will feel. It's a terrible addiction but one in which you can overcome and we are all walking the same walk, maybe in different ways but we all understand how hard it is to give gambling up and even recognise we have a problem. Your GP may offer some form of medication for a few months if your feeling anxious. Wishing you and your family the strength to get through this x

1st February Day 6 GF Today

Yesterday got somewhat tougher as the day went on. The reality of the debt and trying to sort the finances out using stepchange really hit home. How have i got to this, how have i done this, who am i, what am i.

I decided to go to my local GA group, first time i've been and was very scared. I met 14 indivduals, all of whom had there own stories, varying ages and varying debts.

I felt strange, it felt strange didn't however feel as bad as i thought it would.

I went home and discussed the group with my wife, discussed the finances and what i've done, recalled the conversations to try and be as truthful as i could remember. My wife listened and took everything on board, she gave advice and it was a very open discussion.

It's left me in a bad place though, mentally, i felt broken, i feel broken. I know it's going to take a long time to beat this, get over this and feel like i'm on the road to recovery.

I'm on day 6 today. A week tomorrow since i last placed a bet. My hunger is strong but i'm keeping it at bay. I couldn't bet if i wanted to as i have no access to money. I'm scared of the next extreme though, could it turn to alcohol, drugs, some other addiction.

I have a councilling session today. I'll be honest and brutal, i need to be, so many thoughts in my head i need to get out. I feel i can't tell them to my wife, i'm scared of her reaction, her words, her face as i say them. How do you tell you wife you love her but you don't want to be here anymore.

Jeez, i hate life at the moment, hate it, but i know and understand at least i'm not adding another debt or loss of money to the my problems

Speak later

Hiya Dan, well done on conquering your fear and walking into the GA meeting...that took guts. If you look at my diary, I had the same fear about some alternative addiction,when I first stopped gambling, I started having a nightly drink, just to relax me....but that has now passed....so I think that what you are feeling is normal. I am in counselling too. I take tHe attitude that no point in being there, if I don't engage with it fully. Hating life...it is only a temporary feeling...you can work through it with support from counsellor, GP and family.....it will get better. You have got into a financial quagmire, but it is only money. Look how many young people come out of university owing thousands....they have a lifetime of repaying debt...but they are paying for lessons learned (both in terms of academic education and life experience). Your debt is what you are paying for your lessons learned. Read diaries on here....so many people talk about how much their lives have improved, how much more alive they feel, appreciating what is really important. If your current debt improves the rest of your life, well it is worth it. Stay strong.

Hi Dan. I know where you are coming from - I know it's difficult but try not to catastrophise. Just because you are stopping gambling doesn't mean it is going to lead to another form of addiction. Try and remember how your day improved as it went on earlier in the week and try and find something to help you relax and post as much as you like about how you are feeling. It's early days mate and you are bound to feel bad in all sorts of ways but placing a bet on - if you did have access to money - wouldn't achieve anything. Everyone here is 100 per cent on your side - you are doing well. Best wishes, Phil

Hi Dan, how you doing? Missed you on chat last night x

2nd February Day 7 GF Today

Hi Rhoda and everyone, i logged on to chat momentarily but decided i needed to leave, unsure why, didn't feel right last night. Things were quite raw and a very immotional day.

Day 7 whoop, 7th day met. Now to my eighth. I really am taking it one day at a time. I'm not going to set any challenges at the minute such as double figures, 25, 50, 100. I'm quite happy looking at the clock and thinking the next hour, whoop, lunchtime whoop, tea time whoop. Little gains several times a day. I'm happy with that.

I had my first councilling yesterday, I now know i am broken, i'm as close to rock bottom as i can be. It was a very immotional day, lots of tears shed and much sobbing. Gambling for me turned in to needing to win to be able to gamble the next day. Not about winning money for a better life or even to win my money back, i needed that fix the next day and the day after.

I've spoken to many people on here, at my GA session and my councillor. Many people say that once they have told the truth and come clean it felt as though they had lifted weight of their shoulders, they could sleep better. I can't.

I woke up at 01:15 after struggling to get to sleep, i spent hours wrestling about gambling. I am dreaming of betting and winning, winning £1k turning it into 10K during my dream. I wake up, i'm shattered it was a dream. The urge is there, i can't, i actually cannot bet, i have no money, no access. I'm still consumed but have measures in place.

I know it's going to be a long road. I'm feeling more positive, i'm still imotional it still hurts but i can see the light.

I'm not that bothered about the money. The only people i know i owe money to is my parents, only £1k i borrowed to pay bills this month. They said pay it back when i'm right, no rush. So other than that i only owe £52k, i owe it to the banks, i don't know them personally, they can't hurt me more than i'm already hurting. I don't have to look at them like i do my kids and wife.

I'm rambling now. Sorry.

Keep safe all x

Pleased to see you here...one minute at a time Dan...it will get better x

You are already making steps in the right direction in my view - I know it's not easy but try to be a little kinder to yourself. You've opened up about the problem and are now starting to address it. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say and recovery I think could potentially be something that is always ongoing - but so what? Isn't it good to want to improve as a person? Take it easy Dan and try not to let that bully we sometimes have in our head overwhelm you. I once read "they are only thoughts and no-one need ever be bluffed by a thought". Best wishes, Phil.

Hi Dan,

Just spent the past hour or so reading your posts. I have to say I feel truly compelled to offer you my support.

I was rained off today and have been at home with my family. I haven't posted much on here lately as the pain of a recent meltdown has begun to fade. Today I logged on to remind myself of why I've stopped. And that's where I stumbled into you. After 24 days GF and getting my finances on track (kind of), small temptations have started to creep in. But after reading your posts, it has surfaced many emotions within me reminding me how bad it gets, so for that, I thank you for sharing your story.

I won't sugar coat it, it's going to be a bumpy ride but each day will get better. You seem to have everything in place which is the most important thing. 1 day at a time my friend.

Kudos to Emily and Phil for your brilliant timing of support.

Sending you strength in your recovery. Stay strong for yourself and your family.

Nick

Thanks Nick, much appreciated. I'm prepared for a bumpy ride, it's people, advice and support from like minded people like yourself that will help me get through this.

Keep up the great work 24 days and coming back here and reading before giving in to temptation

Dan

Hi Dan

Have you contacted anyone about the debts? If you can get them shifted onto a DMP you will be making affordable payments and most lenders will freeze interest and charges for the duration which means the debts won't increase. Mr L used Payplan who were excellent and others here rate Stepchange. Both of these offer a free service.

Hi thanks Lethe

I'm going through the process with Stepchange. Hopefully by the end of the month things are being sorted financially.

I'll have debt but hey ho. I'm not adding to it.
Just have to hope it's all agreed and can start to move on.

Dan I don't know you but I want you to believe that as far as this forum is concerned I'm your friend. I want to follow your journey and I believe you have a lot to offer this forum even in your early days. Best wishes, Phil.

Thanks for your kind words Phil.