Day 0

Half way through day one. No urges but also no money after spanking it all yesterday. I do feel a sense of security knowing that I can't access betting sites. By now, I would have looked at least what was going on and at the odds so the fact I am not doing that means I am not building up the temptation which can only be a good thing. Feel a bit anxious today and can't really get into the day too much despite doing a 5k walk before work. I think the key will be to get some days under my belt and go from there.

Hi Jason 

Welcome to the forum my friend. Today is the day your new life begins, where there is no place for gambling addiction. New version of yourself who is looking to improve, put the things right and leave all the negatives of the past in the past but carry the positives forward. Most of all leave the gambling addiction well in the past.

Well, most of us did the things you describe in your post and become untrustworthy and deceitful, I did. That is what you do with this unbelievably powerful addiction. You are not out make the lives of the people around you hell, deliberately or spitefully, but that is something very difficult to prevent with this mental health disorder called gambling addiction. It doesn't in anyway excuse our actions, but it is a fact that with an active addiction you are not in the driving seat and in control. We must accept that, otherwise we will NOT be able to move forward and heal from this.

Now it is paramount that you leave the past in the past and open a new chapter as you cannot change a thing about the past. I know it sounds simplistic but please just forget about what you lost in monetary terms. How much you lost is irrelevant as you have no more any control over it. What matters at this stage is that you will keep every pound you earn from now on and when you spend it there will be something to show for it.

It is good to hear that you have put blocks on, and try and make sure also to self exclude from the betting shops using MOSES scheme as it will give you an extra layer of protection and breathing space.

I am really sorry to hear of your dad's passing, my condolences on your loss. I can see it has had a profound affect on you. But, please do not make a connection with this and gambling, just look at it in simple terms, that is you have loved your dad and he loved you. Simple as that. Family relationships are not straightforward in anyway but as long as there is a mutual love that's all that matters.

So, it's good to have you here, please remember whether it's day 1 or day 365, we are just 1 bet away from the madness and hell, and that is no life whatsoever. Always the same distance, that is Today. As long as we don't gamble today, we'll be alright. We can deal with other things as they come. Be patient and enjoy your new journey.

Take care of yourself, 

Ergos 

@oc0gyh9u3i Hi Erogos,

I can't tell you how grateful that I am that you took the time to write me such a thoughtful message. I actually shed a tear reading it and I will endeavor to take on board your advice and recommendations. Thank you. 

Day one is drawing to a close. I feel determined this evening and it's been a sobering day and the thought of the lights going off and no more betting seems almost sad but I know it will continue to end at zero and I must change.

All blocks in place, I am overseas for work currently for the rest of the year at least but I had already excluded, it was the crypto sites that got me back involved but the first time use of the gambling blockers has given me a sense of serenity strangely as I can't even look at what is currently on around the world etc.

Off on to day 2 tomorrow.

Welcome to the journey. It’s a tough one, but the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. We’ve all been in your position and the most important thing to remember is, you are not alone. Many people have walked this walk, many people have succeeded. The important thing in the early days is to lock everything down. If you can’t gamble, you can’t gamble! The urges pass and slowly but surely the sane part of your brain takes over. You will realise that the big win you wanted to live a happy live can be had by just not gambling. I’m nearly 6 months gamble free now and I can buy most things I want, when I want. I can go out for meals, spend time with friends. Basically I’m a normal adult now. It’s amazing. 

Forget the money. It’s gone, but think of it another way. If you can spend that much money on absolutely nothing, imagine what you could have if you kept it. The life you want is around the corner. You just need to grab it. 

Keep fighting mate. Stay strong 💪 

You're more than welcome my friend. I just want the best for you as I do for all of us on this site who are struggling with this addiction day in and day out.

It's not easy or straightforward but please stay with the gamcare family and own your recovery and together we will emerge stronger.

All the best,

Ergos 

Thanks Ergos. Weirdfish, thank you too. I read the 16 pages of your diary earlier and it was sobering and inspirational. Congratulations on comimg this far. I will continue to follow your progress. Ergos, I couldn't find a diary for you, do you have one? This site is so much harder to navigate than a few years ago. Not good to be honest. I also struggled to sign up and nearly gave up altogether.

Anyway, one for admin to hopefully sort so more people have access. Today was day two. Despite all of my talk yesterday, I was tempted today big time. The football being on, the cricket and the fact I still left myself £250 to cover bills til September. 

But, I didn't do it. Watched a few videoson YouTube about people and their recoveries and git over the first big Saturday hurdle. 

I feel I can use this to spur me on through the week now and begin to rack up the days. 

I'd normally borrow if skint to bet and today feels like a small win at the start if this journey. 

Day 2 complete. 

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend. 

Jay

Onto day 3. Tough day yesterday but got through it with no bet. 

I was thinking earlier that although paying debts and not having much money is depressing, when you think about it, we were losing more each month than what we now have to pat back anyway so we will still be better off!

Day 3 for me hasn't been as tough. I have done some work to set up next week and have just had a relatively quiet day. It's 40 degrees outside here where I currently am so too hot to go out so will get back on my walking tomorrow and wake up early to do it.

Day 3 drawing to a bet free close.

@zbgykpo0l3  Hi mate and a big well done on your post and days GF.  Make sure that you reward yourself for your efforts, it is a big thing that you are doing and you need to take pride in it.

I absolutely identify with your story as it is very close to my own.  Similar time gambling and similar amounts.

As the other guys have said, Ergos better than me, this is a mental health issue.  We are not bad people.

For years I thought I was a degenerate who did not deserve the good things I had since I was a gambler who had inadvertently hurt the people I cared most about.  It was not until i received cognitive behavioral therapy and a trained psychologist with 30 years experience explained to me what was happening inside my brain.

Gambling floods our brain with Dopamine as a reward.  Each bet, spin and card hand reinforces the behaviour with dopamine until it is a set neurological pathway...  A learned behaviour that gives you dopamine.

When gambling you may zone out or feel numb to other things, stress, worries, time even going to the toilet.  It is that powerful.

This is why we have all deposited vast sums and lost when in every day life we would never indulge ourselves with 1% of what we lost.

Truly understanding this made me realise that I was not a bad selfish person.  I had a mental health issue that needed treatment.  You are clearly a good person who wants and deserves better.  Try not to dwell on the past and money lost, it is only today that you can choose the outcome.

I too did the crypto and overseas sites.  They are bad news.

What is your plan for recovery?  You NEED a plan.  Have you spoken to your GP?  Or anywhere else for therapy or support? 

What will you be replacing the gambling with?  How will you handle the urges when they come?  What blocks will you put in place between you and the gambling? (e.g. gambling restrictions with your bank?  Someone managing your money, gamban etc).

I am really sorry that you lost your dad.  As a parent you only want the best for your child and any parent would be very proud of the honest humility that you opened up with your post.  Now, it is just about sticking with the program, having a plan of recovery and rewarding yourself without beating yourself up for past regrets.  It is now that counts.

Please continue with your posts.  Even if things don't go to plan.  It helps us all.

Thanks, @bean. Really appreciate the support and I am just about to go and read your diary for some inspiration.

In terms of blocks, I was already excluded from all bookies local to me but am overseas now and I don't go to the bookies here as it is extremely difficult today for non residents etc. 

The crypto sites got me good an proper and I have thrown a good 50k in them this year and completely emptied me out.

Borrowing money from friends, hiding things, excuses to everyone, avoiding life in general. Guilt, shame, anger. Everything really. This time it really hit different though, I could feel the damage for the first time and I, for the first time, was starting to feel the mental toll of it so it had to be enough. I bet everyday, on everything (sports) regardless of what it is. I even had my own way I would watch the scores on b****5 where I would just look at one team's points and hide mine and then surprise myself to see if they had more. Hard to explain but very, very odd and very, very destructive and costly. 

Anyhow, the last 4 days, I left myself with £200 and that has not found it's way to the bookie and for the first time, I have Gamban which is really helping me not even see what odds and games are about. This has been a very good help so far.

I did call up Gamcare East Midlands as was told on live chat on this site that I could contact them and book some therapy sessions alas nobody answered and nobody has returned my message yet so I hope this happens. 

Thanks so much again for the supportive comments, it has mad keeping this diary much easier feeling that I am not alone and others are there to help. 

I in turn hope to use my story to help others. Just need to write a few pages first.

Day 4 over and out!

Long day today. 

The reality of the financial situation is hitting me. I don't owe banks anymore, I burnt those bridges years ago. Now it's friends and colleagues and I don't have it. The no gambling is making me see this in the cold light of day and I just have to get my head down and try to get through it. A couple of big deals at work and I might just make it. I'm not sure.

Still no contact back from the East Midlands Gamcare support. Still it goes to voicemail. This was recommended to me when I rang Gamcare and it's P**s poor in my opinion considering the circumstances.

Anyway, day 5 no bet. Blocking software means I can't check the odd. Still have £200 in the bank so I feel good that I haven't just spluffed that.

In the past I have been bet free for a few days because I have left myself with around £5 to survive. 

This time I could have wasted another £150 to try and somehow win 10k but I haven't so there is some progress there.

It doesn't feel different this time, just wish I could wind the clock on a year!

Day 5 done!

Well day 6 complete.

I get to see the Mrs tomorrow after a month apart due to work commitments so looking forward to that. I have been on my own for the last month in a strange city overseas so it's been quite the challenge but glad it is over.

I contacted Gamcare as still hadn't been contacted and got a referral and then they contacted me. The staff were great and I have another referral now so weirdly looking forward to it as I think that will be a bot of therapy as well as a general kind of support but I don't 100% know so we will see. 

No urges today, knowing gamban there means I am not checking odds and having to find something else to do when the mind wanders during the working day or I take 5 and grab a coffee.

The upshot of this is that I am still determined, more so in fact and I feel I might be able to do this.

Day 6 drawing to a close. 1 week tomorrow and can't remember the last time I went that long. If I have money, I bet before getting out of bed all the way through 'til being back in. All whilst trying to function and work at the same time. Crazy. 

Can't wait to get a few months under my belt so I can start to feel the changes.

Staying strong!

Hi Jason,

Sorry for my belated reply to your question. No mate I currently don't have a diary. I used to have one but it got lost when Gamcare upgraded and changed the website, and I haven't opened a new one as I'm not really as articulate as some of the people here,  such as Weirdfish, Mr Bean or Pink Lady. Just like you, I follow and read their diaries as much as I can for inspiration and to maintain my progress. 

So, we'll done for your progress so far, you're doing very good. Do not let the parasites enjoy your hard earned money, it is your hard earned and you decide who enjoys spending it. And it needs to be you and your loved ones. Do not let addiction decide. Winning or losing is irrelevant, because you know best that it's all about action and it destroys every good thing it touches.

Keep writing and let us know of your progress. Also good luck with counselling as it might help you identify why gambling addiction has had grip on you.  My recovery clicked better when I identified the major underlying cause, which was not having a career that I enjoy, hence I have been in the process of a career change 😀.

All the best,

Ergos 

Days 7 & 8

Thanks again, Ergos. I'm not sure I agree with you on your being articulate as most of what you have written I have found compelling. Good luck with the career change, I hope it all goes very well.

I think I'm beginning to realise that this isn't about the money. Realising that whatever happens, hoever lucky I get, the final destination is always zero, always.

The last two days have been a whirlwind. Lots of travel and seen the good lady for the first time in over a month so I haven't had any spare time. Normally, I would have gambled throughout as it was always my priority. I would have been on my phone constantly and mood would be swinging. Instead, we listened to music and played Uno and gambling wasn't invited to the party. He is on the banned list now and won't be admitted to anything moving forward. If I don't let it in, it can't cause trouble.

Saturday today. Normally I bet more on Saturdays as so much good sport on but bot today. I will enjoy looking at the football results for what they are and not because I need a goal in a particular game.

Have a good weekend everyone, stay strong and resolute.

@zbgykpo0l3 Hi Jason. I have just read through your journey so far and just wanted to say a huge well done for putting those vital blocks in place as a first port of call. Secondly, well done for getting through your first week g.f - usually the hardest when on this journey, as so many people come on here on their first, second, third day, only never to be seen again, as they have no doubt been lured back to the place that usually just brings us folk on here complete heartache and devastation 👎.

I look forward to following your journey. If you stay strong and committed, your days will turn into weeks and then the weeks will soon turn into months etc 👌.

Take care and hope you have a lovely weekend with your other half 🩷.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.