Day 0

Thanks Pink Lady : )

Today is day 71! 10 weeks have passed and I am feeling strong still. Just getting on with it and ticking off the days. Crazy to think how much life has changed in such a short period of time. Gambling was literally my life, it's not a part of it anymore. 

I am still skint but I stayed in a hotel 2 nights ago and I had to pay £100 deposit. I never normally would have it. I did. And I paid it. It felt good. I can buy things from the supermarket I want now.

I still have a lot of financial repairing to do but I could always find money for gambling, now I have a couple of hundred pounds which floats me and it doesn't go to gambling. Hoping by Christmas I will have got rid of all debts to friends and although I will still pay others, I may be able to look at savings and establish an emergency fund of a few months expenses. This alone I know makes my partner feel more secure and also myself. If anything goes wrong, I can be self sufficient rather than borrowing, spending it on gambling and having to borrow again. 

It feels good. 

My head isn't worked out and I feel an immense amount of guilt but starting to believe that I was / am poorly and not a complete a*sehole.

The road to recovery is long but the green shoots of recovery are starting to sprout and I really think I have this.

The realisation that I would always lose and up stakes means I am able to tell myself, it is just giving the money away and causing pain and making awful decisions. 

It was definitely escapism, dopamine craving and now the world is a bit quieter for me day to day and I am here for it,

Have a restful weekend all.

@zbgykpo0l3 Another lovely read Jason. Sounds like you are doing/thinking all the right things 👌. 

The best way I deal with my debt is to just tell myself, “no matter how small my payments to Stepchange might be, I am still reducing my debt on a monthly basis so this is good enough for me”!

Like you, I am now able to have separate little pots of savings funds, which is great for days out/any other bits and pieces that may crop up and I need additional money for 👍.

Take care and enjoy your day.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thanks Pink Lady. Good idea with the pots, gives us some short, medium and long term goals too : )

I had my second therapy session today and today is day 81. I was asked to write a goodbye letter to gambling but, instead, wrote this poem. It is not at all well written but it did help me to write some short, sharp things on paper to make me realise my thoughts on gambling and how it had effected me in the past and how I will view it moving forwards.

Goodbye gambling,

You took me away from my true self, suppressing the good person that I know myself to be.
I lied, coerced and manipulated, willingly helpless as I lost sight of the real me.

You were the parasite that I was infested by, controlling my body and brain.
My resistance was feeble and futile, time and time again.

You were calling me to the rocks of disaster with your sweet song of fun, dopamine and highs.
Alas, all that was promised were simply false dawns, time wasted, lost memories and lies.

But now I am shaking you, I'll breath no more life into your advance.
I know I must banish you to give my life a fighting chance.

So long darkness my old abusive friend, I pray we never have met again by the time my story ends.

With you gone they'll be no more betting, no more chasing. But without you I know, I'll be able to resume my life as the real Jason.

Stay safe, sane and healthy everyone. Just remember, there is no point gambling as we can't stop sop even if we win, it's all going back. 

Jay

@zbgykpo0l3 👏👏👏👏👏💙

Well done Jay.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Inspirational stuff my friend. I cannot tell you how motivational it is to read of others doing well. To see people realise they can spend money on themselves and others is such a great feeling. Gambling has taken so much from so many of us and to see people being released from that grip is so so good. Normal life is what we all want. It sounds like you have that and are relishing in it. 

If anyone is reading this, please take note. Engagement in here is huge. Read the diaries. Start your own. Watch your progress. Follow someone. It’s so good for your mental health and progress in beating this. This guys smashing it, and is well on the way to being the person he wants to be. It’s not been easy. It’s not a walk in the park, but he’s put the effort in and he’s getting there. We are all in the same boat. Let’s get each other through this.

Keep it up mate. Hate the gambling. Love the rewards from quitting 💪