dazed one

Hey Carla.

Good on you for your night out and getting some very well deserved reprieve from the S***e holding us back.

I spend many a moment looking at street fellows and wondering, how it would feel being invisible to most and even whether if they've got it right. But hai, thats not our life. Ours is doing things we enjoy, being with people we like/love, and dealing with the emotions life throws our way with out reaching for a crux off gambling, drink or other harmful coupulsions.

Take care Carla and proud to have a Canc cyber pal. ((C))

Thanks Sandra and Paul. It has been such a sunny and beautiful September and for most of it, my spirits in the dump. Looks pretty bleak and grey out there today and I feel pretty good at the moment. Guess i'm usually out of sync with the universe...lol. Since I almost never do what I say I'm going to, I'll try an opposite day ... I will not get groceries today. I will not roast that chicken. I will not dig carrots and I will not invite anyone over. I will change my decent mood to miserable just as soon as I can. So there.... Take that dear universe!

Check, check, check.... did it all! Feels good when I'm productive. Well, I made it through September living on minimal cash for most of it...until I sold my scooter, that is. I think I would have made it through the month anyway. Amazing how little we can live on when we have to. Makes me realize what a life of excess, or rather privilege, I've had until now. Imagination is causing some worries as it is almost months end. I get paid at midnight and have visions of my entire pay going in to my old bank account and being snatched up by the bank instead of into my new account leaving me nothing to live on for the month. I don't know why I worry about things that haven't happened and are unlikely to happen as I set it all up properly. Will have to have a will of steel so that I don't gamble any of it. There will be a wee bit of excess so it's vital that I remember how sick I always feel after gambling. Bring on the day.... have a lot more carrots to pull and scrub and yardwork to do.

Hey Carla

Sorry not been on in a while, **** been hitting the fan and thanks for your posts and concern about me, greatly appreciated.

I know what you mean about money going into the wrong acct, i did that once and i felt like being sick cos i knew i could not get it back, even if i pleaded with the bank ! guess its all our own making these desperate times. Great to hear your positive vibes at the moment, keep at it, does get easier ! great coming from me after last few days :-/ but hell , you know what i mean. Take Carla, Dark Place

Hey Carla,

Thanks for your post on my diary and also you input into the "Things that have helped your recovery thread", I really appreciated I was checking out some of the links you posted last night and a few things struck me, "Ive never had a quite mind". Or ive never given my mind time to be quiet.

I can relate to this as sometimes its like an explosion of fireworks is going off in my head with thoughts bouncing around, Since i dont gamble anymore I have found something that i have always craved.... Peace.... I can sit and think about absolutly Nothing..... It amazes me....

I also fell asleep to the meditation link last night.

Keep posting carla, and keep reminding yourself why that money deserves to stay in your bank, because your worth better things than torturing yourself day after day , month after month trying to survive......

One day at a time, keep turning the universe on its head.

take care

blondie xx

Thanks DP and Blondie. Money went in to correct account but I gave in and donated some to the dang machines again. Yet another day 1. Really did not want to report that but must stick to at least one promise to self. Not giving up but I think I don't have a strong enough resolve as EVERY time I get money in hand I cave in. When I think of "never" gambling again, I wonder how I'll manage my boring life. Honestly, I just torture myself and wonder when my next cave in will be and how bad the damage will be. I don't want to live another month the way I did Sept. , though, so must must must abstain. Taking my own advice and not beating myself up for it. I can still manage this month alright as long as I don't do it again. Appt with dermatologist today... may have another skin cancer... had one before which was no big deal so hopefully this is the same. Found a link many may relate to if depressed...

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hniga…he-frustrations-of-depression

(((( Carla ))))),

You are such a strong woman, and you know yourself how much you want to better your life. Yes, fine, you had your slip, but you have to go a bit different way about it...

..."When I think of "never" gambling again, I wonder how I'll manage my boring life"....Boring life darling is one of the biggest factors bringing gambling on " golden plate "...

You sounded so determined and up for a better change in your recent posts..It might take time, but as long as you do something to fill your day, you will see the difference.

i know you can do it, and i know you WILL do it darling.

Best wishes with your appointment today Carla...i am there with you holding your hand and reassuring that everything will be OK.

Look after yourself and leave past behind

Take care

Sandra x

Hai my Canc bud.

Feel for you and can so relate. f**k its a vicious circle we find our selves in. Can so relate to the dull life we find ourselves at! We're deluded to think gambling helps us to see the day out and even get some pleasure from! When in reality it just drags us deeper into the black hole of depression.

That must be a hell of a worry parked at the back of your mind with dermatologist app, don't let it drag you into the cycle. Think us cg's struggle with our everyday emotions when we're in recovery after so long pushing them down with the aid of gambling or getting wasted.

Grabbing you by the shoulders Carla, followed by a cyber hug. Don't sentence yourself to another long month, keep close to these diarys. Spill your thoughts, anger or any othrt emotion this way. We are moving forward albeit at a sales pace sometimes.

((C))

No return of skin cancer but almost wish .... I am so weak... can't learn.... speechless and embarrassed today and so sorry to again disappoint. It IS true. I'm an idiot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIhg6eqmdn4

(((( Carla))))

I'm here any time you feel like talking.. YOU ARE NOT WEAK...NEVER WILL BE...Thanx for being here and sharing xx

Sandra x

Hi Carla

Love that song.

Your far from weak or an idiot Carla. We got sucked into something and now suffering the aftermath of lost time.

No need for any words Carla, save them to tell any urges where to go.

Keep on keeping on, your fighting it like a good un.

Paul

Thank you Sandra. Thank you Paul. Well... I've done it again. Blew way too much gambling and left myself a pittance to live on this month. I actually thought I'd had a bit more left than I do but I finally mustered up the courage to check the bank balance this a.m. and it's worse than I thought. Nevermind. I will figure out a way to get through the month... BUT... I must do things differently so this does not happen again. I know I won't gamble this month as I can't. The test is always when I have money coming in and I fail this every time. It's been suggested numerous times that I hand over my finances to someone and I still haven't. I partly resist simply because of pride but I also don't really have an ideal person to ask. I suspect my brother would be willing but he lives a bit far so that wouldn't be the most practical choice. My bestie would be the next choice but I hesitate as I really don't think she would want to do it. She might agree but it would likely be reluctantly... and I'd have to fess up my recent gaffs and possibly face anger again. Not sure I can take it. Haven't heard from sis in a while and I think she's avoiding me... or just too depressed herself. She does have her own life and problems. Rambling again. Wishing peace to all.

Hey Carla,

Well girl, what can i say.....maybe (((( C )))) would help:-)

Ok, so you have no money to gamble with this month...think, if you can do this month without money, do the same next month with money...and a month after and so on and on...I do believe it's terribly hard, i know, i'm in the same boat, but if you at least change your mindset a bit...try to look at some positives.

Couldn't you go to the bank, and ask them to allow you so much cash out daily..Just the amount which you usually spend?..

Take a deep breath and calm yourself down..It is not the end of the World, you can do it..you just need to believe in yourself...You want it a lot, and YOU CAN DO IT...

Take day at a time..you will get stronger and start seeing things in different light...Surely if you can go a month without it......you can do 2 months as well...Don't think of money as a need to get rid of it straight away...It is YOUR money you deserve to keep...You don't need jackpot to make your life better...you need to be kind to yourself and learn enjoy life with what you got...And that is plenty girl, you got your soul,kind heart and warm smile which you can share with a World daily:)

I wish you strength and right there with you moving forward...little steps at a time

Take care

Sandra x

Hey Carla.

Completely feel for you. If I was capable of sending you all the good will in the universe coupled with hugs to soothe things I would. But I think the fact is We can only do it for ourselves. Something I try to drum into this nut of mine.

I think we're all weak on these diarys, yet a little bit stronger to the poor souls still struggling on with no support what so ever due to misguided pride. We get strayed by listening to the wrong voices and maybe we just need to do the opposite to what we think and relearn to listen to that inner voice. We need to find away to be kind to ourselves.

You sound like a top lady who has had moments enjoying this life, yet just like me, we f****d it up some where along the line. Now its our time, with every ounce we need to deny the things that hurt us and bring us down, we need to start ticking the boxes of 3d life. We don't want to come bask again and start all over, we Have to recover that strength that was bestowed upon us.

Our souls were pure yet over time we misguidedly f****d it up, now we've got to leave the past and just accept our irrelevant lives and move on. Jump out of the cycle Cartla and you've got a pal here who'll hold hands as we jump over this threshold together.

Wishing you well (((C)))

Good Morning Carla..

I will take you up on that challenge. I'm far from as fit as a fiddle but in my day I was pretty good. Have always worked a job where it was physical or now I walk a lot, up and down scaffolds and whirling aimlessly round sites. So despite now looking fairly fit, ive had years of smoking or eating S***e so I guess the exterior is 50yrs younger than the interior.

Now heres my challenge to you, when that anger surfaces or urge rears its ugly head, vent it on these diarys or buy a punchbag with somebodys face stuck to it, who's hurt you in the past and give it what for.

Have a good day Carla