dazed one

Deal! Will be tough for me as exercise is one of the last things I want to do and gambling seems to be the only thing I want to do, but a quote I once read somewhere said something to the effect of we must do the very thing we resist the most. So... I reaffirm my resolve to not gamble (even when the money comes in) and exercise each day for 20 min. Hope I didn't scare defeated off and if anyone else has become a couch potatoe like me, you're more than welcome to join the 20 min/day exercise challenge! Oh boy... hope I don't regret this. These days, I like exercise about as much as I like eating dirt.

Hey Carla,

Exercise! My favourite;-) Stretch it out to one hour a day lol

Very good decision to take i have to say, even 15 min for the start can take you to different set of mind. It helps body, it helps mind and of course it helps to fill those minutes of the day where you feel you have temptations to make friends with evil...you know what i mean..

Anyway, carrying away a bit here ha ha.. i could speak about fitness forever...( you wouldn't think i'm smoking lol)

Thanx for your kind words on my diary and really waiting for updates with ur new exercise regime;-)

Off for a run now....Thanx for inspiration xx

Take care and keep fighting the good fight

Sandra x

Well... have managed to exercise for two days now. Yesterday, I headed to the massive hill where my fav annual music fest takes place. I put on my ipod for the first time in ages and proceeded to boogie up and down the hill at a steady pace for a solid 20 mins (4 times). The music helped distract me from the agony (all these years of smoking have taken their toll so I really need cardio exercise) and I certainly gave the ol' ticker a workout it hasn't had in a long, long while. I'm not sure if I'll do that again today or start working on these jelly muscles. Still waking each morning with a feeling of dread. Still have continuous nagging worries about how I'll make it through the month with so little cash and worried that the bank will call because I should have used that dough I gambled to pay arrears on the debt that is secured against my house... BUT... I actually want that feeling to be there at the end of the month when I get paid again. Reflecting on how Sept went for me since I've been off work and feeling guilty that I haven't done enough. But I have actually accomplished a few things. Yes, I spent more days than I should have on the couch but that is happening less and less as I become a bit more active... cooking, yardwork, etc. Have gone to doctor and disclosed to her and family. Have been seeing addictions counsellor regularly. Have had a few days where I managed to have zero alcohol and have definitely cut down on that in general. Have signed on to debt management program. Have done a ton of reading and learning about addiction. Have not beat myself up as much when I've slipped and as a result, when I did slip it was followed by only one couch day instead of a week! lol Can't change the past so trying to look forward and build a better me. s'all she wrote today

Well hey if you didn't give yourself a at a girl let me be the first that will. Way to go!

And thanks for the Richard Simmons laugh, must of watched it dam near a dozen times and the first watch is just as great as the last. LOL LOL LOL

Hey Carla,

That's the spirit!!! I am sooo happy for you girl, i can see that you are heading to the right direction with your feelings and health. As i said, it will be hard this month, but i believe you will just get stronger by next month and show two fingers combination to the urges if you get any 😉

Sometimes we dont realize how we are moving forward...we expect something to happen, but it is already happening without us realizing...it is slowly getting better..

You doing great...you can get out to the other end...believe in yourself and keep stepping brave steps forward.

You are doing it girl...keep it up!!!

Have a lovely Sunday

Sandra x

P.s. thanx for your support...most appreciated x

Hi Carla... lots of positives in your last post and great stuff on the exercise, well done. believe it or not I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to exercise. I over do it and am permanently knackered. Have a good day... S.A 🙂

Thanks, S.A. Permanently knackered from exercise is a healthier alternative so that's good. I was once very fit and would like to be that way again. Need to replace these addictions with something healthy. I think it also helps stabilize the mood a bit. Couldn't face the climbing again yesterday as my thighs were not wanting to cooperate. Cleaned my car instead and believe me, that was a workout. Man, my arms have gotten weak compared to some time ago. Nice that I can see out my car windows again.... so much nicotine stuck to the inside window.... yuck. Getting lots of gambling urges but just can't give in. Fighting them by eating Halloween candy. Why do they have to start selling that stuff so early?! Now, am growing a nice big zit on my chin. Weird neighbour came over last night. She rocks up at my doorstep about twice a year when something has happened (this time a friend of hers is very ill) with a bottle of wine in hand and tells me she wants to be "bad". For her, that means drinking one glass of wine and smoking 2 cigarettes. If she only knew! I'm not sure if I find her more irritating or more amusing. She's got a PhD in sociology but doesn't seem to have a clue as to how she herself comes across to others...she insults and compliments at the same time while talking incessantly. Says she likes me because I'm a good listener... as if I have a choice with her. Sunny today. Not sure if I'll climb or do something else yet. Whatever I do, I will not gamble. Hungry now. Think I'll make myself a hearty breakfast to start the day. Hope all have a good Sunday.

Well got my exercise in for the day already and lawn mowed. Guess anything that takes your mind off gambling is a good thing. Hell since I quit smoking I put on 15 pounds and if I gain any more I maybe a future smoker. LOL LOL LOL your doing great girl. By the way what state, country ya from? Ya mentioned Halloween candy and not all countries recognizes Halloween.

Well hey there and Canada be be fairly close to the

USA. Sh-it them nasty little pills had nothing to do with the non smoking cause only took total of 1 and a half pills and smoke free for over 4 months. LOL LOL LOL yeah only had that naltrexone prescription since Sept. 26th. So yeah nothing but raw nerve deserves credit for fighting that battle. Lol

Hey Carla,

Thanx for your nice words on my diary. I am very pleased to read that you are getting your determination and believe back. You can make it...we all can, just keep moving forward and enjoy good things you can achieve being free from this disease.

re your previous post about work..well girl, i was exactly the same, head down, get on with your duties...do your best, don't say a word. But then i got more confidence and opportunity to progress in my role. Which i did.

Now, the job i do, i can't work head down. I have to show strentgh, politness, respect, understanding and loads of responsibility....i have to make quick decisions( sometimes very tough). That's why i was a bit shocked with myself for actually sitting my boss down and telling him what i expect from him...i feel like being taken for a laugh sometimes and they seem to expect miracles to happen. It was appreciation or sack conversation...since then i seem to take more responsibility and workload on my shoulders, because they say i'm good at what i do....but at this rate i might have a nervous breakdown...it's just too much. To feel low and encourage everyone around me is really tough sometimes and i have no choice but to put mask on and plaster smile on my face.

I guess i try to say....i am not scared to speak up and stand my ground....which on this occasion turned a bit against me lol... i feel next chat coming soon lol...

Wow Carla...i'm so sorry, got carried away here lol...sorry for dumping so much on ur diary:-)

You doing great and soon start feeling the benefits of g free life...you can do it...you know you can:-)

Day at a time

Take care

Sandra x

Hi Carla,

I have people tell me that am a good listener. But its like sometimes I am and sometimes am not. Sometimes I just that I haven't got the gumption to tell people to shut up or I simply can't be bothered to speak, so they carry on speaking. With one woman at work (who says I am good listener) in reality I mights as well be a tree, cos if I were a tree she'd still carry on talking.

Good to see you posting regular. It all helps doesn't it, if only as something to do and to get them thoughts out of head. You started your diary even before I started mine, now that's a first.

Ever onwards to better times. Take care... S.A 🙂

Hey Carla,

Thank you so much for your post and suggestion to work with my issues at work place.Most appreciated and always welcome :-).

The thing is, part of my job is a lot of paperwork, and finding ways to make things happen at fast speed and top quality for the costumers...That's fair enough...but then i get 15 faces in my face at once...all with their own problems which needs solving...i am left on my own to take it all in and sort it out ASAP.....which just blows the gasket sometimes...just want to run away and leave it all be...

You see my duties are challenging and most of time unexpected where decision needed straight away...

I think i took wrong profession ha ha..:-)

Will be ok, i might get some help soon to share the workload between two of us..

Anyway...sorry...all about me again lol...

You take care and keep posting!!! Believe in urself

Sandra x

Thanks Soul, Sandra and S.A. Did my climbing yesterday after an enormous breakfast of bacon and eggs.... felt gross. Haven't had that in a long while and it was a bit too greasy, I think. Thighs don't feel as sore today as yesterday. Feeling anxious today, moreso than usual. May have to punch some pillows. Wish I wasn't such a worrier but I really am. Wish I could live that ol' serenity prayer. Worried about just about everything... including the weather! (Like will I get my outside chores done before the snow flies and have all the time in the world to do them cause I'm off work but continue to procrastinate.) And worried about a few buddies on the forum too.... hoping I haven't said the wrong things. I have set a budget for the month... trying to spend no more than $150/ week (and smokes and beer usually take up 120 of that)... am already $20 over for this week. Thinking about my previous post about my neighbour and wondering what people would or do say/think about me. Wondering how in tune with my own self I really am. I suppose with the way I compartmentalize my life, there would be varying opinions. Sure don't lead a happy and productive life these days so perhaps I should just shut up and become a little more introspective myself. Or perhaps I shouldn't care what people think... but I do. Up/down... right/left.... yes/no/maybe....black/white/grey... I don't know anything today.... weird day already and it's just getting started. Whatever the case... I will not gamble. I will try so hard to muster the strength/motivation to exercise.

This is me today... in my self-imposed cage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgjOSGTDoy8

LOL love the screaming sheep. LOL

Hell Canada and being a smoker and a drinker can't hardly imagine the cost per week. Sh-it when I quit smoking i was doing a carton a week. Hell what does a carton of smokes go for over there and a case of beer for that matter? Dam thinking I'd have to get another full time job just to support me habits if I lived there. LOL a carton of the cheap smokes I was doing about $53 a carton, case oh beer about $17 here.