dazed one

Zantac 75 for that heart burn and you won't remember what it ever felt like. No prescription needed for the stuff and works awesome.

Thanks, all.

Bit unsettled again today... got letter from bank yesterday saying that a couple of my accounts totalling almost $7000 will be turned into demand loans as a result of my signing on to the debt management program.... I think it will mean another payment in addition to my two other huge payments every month. Not really sure what that means for me for the terms but will have to call to find out. Also put in an insurance claim (from ice damming on my roof where I had water coming inside when it melted... damaged the ceilings in a few rooms which, of course, I painted not so long ago). Not sure I should have put the claim in as the deductible is beyond my means anyway but the guy is coming out today. What was I thinking? Just don't want to deal with this stuff but must. Also been feeling hugely guilty for being off work, esp since I'm not so productive. Frick... I manage to wash the kitchen floor and not much else in an entire day... this d**n catholic guilt! No choice but to persevere. If I don't gamble, I will manage this financially... just barely for a few months and then should get easier. I will not gamble.

Think I might be getting addicted to my computer! lol Thinking 'bout emotions and how they control us. Should surround myself with happier things. I seem to be drawn to darkness too often. Recently discovered some funny TV programmes. I should start watching those every day instead of the dark, scary, crime filled and sad shows I usually watch.

Hey Carla,

Yea watch some comedy instead;-)

By the way thanx for dragging me out from the evil number:-)

Take care

Sandra x

Good Morning Carla.

Thoughts are with you having to deal with the aftermath of the devastation gamblings done to our finances. Don't let the banks bully you, take advice and get on the front foot.

We do experience such a flip of emotions in this recovery, yet they were just masked whilst we were in the gambling zone. So guess a tad light tv or reading is such better way to switch off and drag us out of the dark places we've become accustomed to.

Also pretty much a casual jeans/ shirt chap, but hai that ironing really was a relaxing box ticker, hence get busy on them blouses.

Have a good day ((Carla))

Sh-it girl love them comedies. Was never into the blood bath shows. I think new episodes of Raising Hope start in November and fricken funny they are. Hell Even had a episode where they were addicted to gambling. Way to funny. Lol

I've always liked crime/detective shows (since a teen) but they definitely have become more graphic and violent... maybe not so good for the psyche. Recently started watching 'Modern Family" and love it. Now I only have the most basic cable plan so I don't think I even get Raising Hope.

Had very strong urges to gamble yesterday and somehow talked myself out of the "just a 20" thing and didn't go. Good for me. Still haven't called the bank to find out details of the demand loan but will try to do that today. Also see addictions counsellor today and will have to confess that I didn't go to support group meeting... BUT... at least I've done a few climbs over the past little while and I got quite a lot done yesterday.... more than in a long time... a few more squeaky clean windows and some of the yardwork. Feels good and makes me want to do more, though, I know how quickly that can change. Also met with insurance guy and his contractor. Have to wait to have insulation tested for asbestos now but probably won't be putting the claim in since my deductible is probably more than the job. Of course, from past experience I've learned that insurance companies do hire the crappiest, cheapest people around and if they did hire a high end painter, it probably would be worth putting in the claim but I just don't have the energy to fight with them. Will wait and see what they say about my insulation. Must not gamble today... feeling like I could easily slip but will fight with all I've got. Wallet stays home when I go to counsellor apptmt.

Well done resisting the urge Carla put that in your armoury it will make you stronger you don't need it.

Take care

The bear x

Raising Hope on fox 11 and no channel ya pay for here. Hell got rid of cable myself and a hell no will never miss paying out that extra $80 a month. Lol lol lol sh-it if i can cut that sucking sound from my wallet its gone.

Girl know where your coming from when the biggest effort is Spent what feels like doing yourself in. Good thing is we're digging out, survival style. Like it or not its in us. Lol

Failed again. Not an epic fail, but a fail nonetheless. Day 1.

Awe girl know how all that sucks cause do it again and again myself. We got it in us to do it just gotta want it more than the cheap short lived thrill. Ain't hardly worth it. It held us down long enough and yeah we are the champions and their gonna hear us roar. LET'S HEAR IT!!!!!!!!

(((( Carla )))))

We are here darling, please don't beat yourself up.Get up and keep and keep trying.You are worth it...just do it girl!!! Be kind to yourself, dust yourself down and keep moving...You can do it ...YOU WILL DO IT!!!!!

Take care

Sandra x

Good Morning Carla

Team Gamcare right behind you Carla, as Sandra & Soul has said, no beating your self up, a slip Up rather than down.

Be good to yourself, tick a few more boxes. Fire bomb them casino's. Completely unconditional Carla, time to build up some days.

Hows about changing that title?

(((C)))

Thank you. I am so fortunate to have my GamCare buds.

Quiet house today. Renters are gone away to their families for the long weekend and I’m glad. I have most of the house to myself, but they share my kitchen, which I hate, but have no choice about since I need their money due to my gambling. With them gone, I can drop f-bombs whenever I want, smoke in my kitchen, not feel guilty for having my beer (neither of them drink at all), not have to clean up after them (nobody cleans like compulsive “Carla”), do whatever I want without having to hide it from them or use up what little energy I have faking it. But sometimes it’s ok having them around. Sometimes. Thanksgiving weekend here. Really hate holidays… all of them… always have. Can and should and do feel thankful for so much but those feelings can change to those of an ingrate in a nanosecond. Usually get pressure from both brother and sister to spend holidays with them. Sis has other plans this year. Haven’t heard from bro. Had invite from two friends. One I declined and the other I would have also declined but now that invitation was retracted due to illness so I don’t have to. Bro will likely call today or tomorrow and pressure me to come but I will probably decline. Or maybe he won’t even call as I have been declining all invites from him and his wife since June. Don’t feel like enduring a holiday dinner so if he does call, I will lie and say I’ve accepted another invitation. It’s early on a Sat morning and I’ve already been up for hours. On to coffee number 5… Wish I was more moderate in lifestyle but Excess is my middle name. Usually transfer myself from couch to bed in the middle of the night but just got up this time. Tried to will myself to feel sleepy enough to go down for part 2 of the night but it didn’t work and have to preserve the bit of sleep aid I have left in my stash. Wish I didn’t have to be awake. The wee gamble 2 days ago turned into bigger, disastrous gamble yesterday. Again, not sure if I’ll make it through the month…. Again…. Again….Bad girl. Do I want to stop? Not really. The gambling and other vices provide a sanctuary of sorts, though unfortunately, not a healthy or sustainable one. Keeping on breathing but mainly doing so for others. Wonder if my addictions counsellor and my doctor are as frustrated with me as I am with them. I almost feel like their views are as simplistic as my sister’s. “Just stop.” Or “Use hot milk to sleep.” Or worse… “Ask your doctor to prescribe some sleeping pills.” Right. They don’t listen. They think I’m better. I’m not. Nothing has changed except for my credit rating which is now as bad as I am. They’ve rehearsed their lines many a time and don’t realize that I could probably teach them a thing or two about neurotransmitters and brain chemistry. Don’t want to sound arrogant but it’s true. Recovery IS bespoke. Guess I just haven’t found my motivation yet. Though I’m not sure how I’ll get through the next few days, I had good news (perhaps) on the communication from the bank and debt management program… means that my next paycheque is not going to be gobbled up (pun intended) instantly by debt payments since they won’t start until Dec. 1 (though if I wanted to, I could throw it that way since I know I won’t live long enough to pay off all my debt unless I sell my house) and I could potentially have a small emergency fund put away, have money for Christmas, etc. BUT… have no faith in myself as I know where I always go as soon as I have any money. And if I do that again, I will sink lower (amazing how you can always go lower into the abyss) and in all likelihood, lose my house. Solution? Before end of month pay hits the bank I must either hand over my finances to someone (still idiotically choosing not to explore this further at the mo) or when pay comes in, maybe make arrangements to go into the 5 day free detox and hopefully be able to arrange that to be immediately followed by the 5 day intensive gambler’s residential program. There would be some logistics to work out around that, my house, end of month payments, etc. but I suspect it would be doable … just have to find the energy to find out and arrange it all. Know I should actually be arranging all of it. Hard to do when you don’t even want to wake up in the morning. Have zero access to money right now and only enough smokes to last another day. Sold my wee bit of invested bonds but it’ll take up to 4 business days for that to make it to my account so with it being a holiday, I may not see that money until Friday. Even then, not sure if it’ll be enough to last the rest of the month…. But it has to. Hopefully, I get it sooner. Eating a lot… mostly calorie laden junk lately but losing weight anyway. Have always been a stress eater. Still ok but don’t really want to lose anymore weight. Clothes won’t fit and I can’t afford to buy more. Whoa… taken me over 3 hours to write this post. Staring into space does pass time. Should go. Oh really? Where? To the couch! Thanks for recent posts on my diary…. So appreciate it. Hope to reciprocate soon but too tired now and getting hungry so… later.

Awe girl it's only as hopeless as we make it. Go for a walk.fresh air and thought go well together. Let your mind race and listen to them thoughts no matter how small. There's always a solution to a problem and don't be afraid to try something ya might rule out. Don't hold yourself down. Cause yeah, I wanna hear ya roar.