Deep breath and start again

Thanks for your comments, it's good to be back.

I am sorry but it is not always possible to say no when you are a compulsive gambler, as it is not easy to say no to a Big Mac when you are a compulsive eater. Unfortunately for me, and many others before me, I succumbed to temptation. As I said in my post, I did not surround myself with the support because I have not admitted my dependancy/addiction to my husband or those nearest and dearest. I'm finding it really difficult to tell him and I really wanted to discuss things with a counsellor first. Unfortunately, as yet I have not heard back from the organsiation i contacted during the night.

About 3 years ago I called the counsellors and explained I was struggling with my addiction and was told they would call back, they did not, and I carried on gambling. I called earlier last year and was advised that they were starting sessions near me and would get back to me, they didn't. My last attempt to quit I called again explaining I was not coping very well, I was unable to attend the sessions and was advised the counsellor would call me at home once a week, she didn't. I understand these guys are busy and in no way am I blaming them for my problems but I'm not sure what to do now.

Will try to call again and will log in later. Can't believe I'm in this situation again, feel like such a fool.

Hi annie , In one way I'm sorry to see you back but welcome back to the old gang !, you always know where to find us ! LOL x

Hai Annie,

I did read your early morning post. I sometimes struggle to offer support, yet I do will people on in getting out of there present head funk.

Keep banging on them doors, be heard. I can read between the lines of your pain that your going to get there. Honesty and humility a great way to start.

But now for the hard part, something in my past life I never had the bottle to do and that is too tell your partner. Absolute honesty is the hardest part of addiction, it holds us back.

Keep close and stop beating yourself up. You are far from fool just by the fact you are here.

Thanks again. Sitting here crying but actually feeling relieved! I'm just off the phone to the manager of the counselling service, I explained what's been going on and he was extremely helpful. He has arranged to speak to me on Monday and on a weekly basis from then. Because of my job and comittments he has been great at arranging this around my circumstances. I have a goal not to gamble until Monday and I WILL DO IT!! Once I have spoken to the counsellor I will sit my husband down and tell him all; I have done it once before and this time I'm sure will be worse but, everyone is right, it is the only way to go in order to beat this destructive addiction.

I love this place, thank you friends xxx

We love you too ! xx [ big hug ] !!!

Bless Annie it's so hard to get it out I'll be honest I s**t out and did it over the phone. I can only tell you how it helped me and it was the b st start I could give myself. He's stood by you once hopefully he will again Monday is a long time to carry this burden around with you

I'm here to support as are others make this the time that makes the difference

Take care and KTF

Too right a second big hug coming now (((((Anniee)))) sending you immediate strong vibes for when you talk to your husband,

Right along side with you girl:)))

Suzanne xxx

So, day 2 we meet again. I have a different feeling about giving up this wretched habit now. I am being more honest with myself and, as I eluded to in chat, I plan to tell my husband on Sunday. He is night shift until Saturday and off until Tuesday so that will give us time to talk and we can discuss what happens next.

I have a telephone counselling session on Monday on my lunch break (only time we could do it). We have a joint loan which we took out to cover my last debt and it comes from my wages. As this only has 1 and a half years to go I will leave it be. The rest of the debt is mine and I have been enquiring about a debt management plan and, if all being well, the debt will take 5 years to pay off. I am looking for a new job with more hours and there is a possiblity of one in spring with an increased hourly rate which will help.

My husband is a great guy, we've been together for 30 years and, even after the last time of admitting my addiction, he still thinks I can do no wrong! I have a professional job, do voluntary work one afternoon a week and help look after a couple of neighbours but have been hiding my dark side! I do sometimes feel he could have been more pro-active and supportive the last time; we just took out the loan, he said 'just take the loan and I'll sign it'. He has never asked me what made me do it, or anything, in fact. However, I do not blame him for my addictive and destructive actions, that's been all me.

He finds it difficult to articulate his feelings sometimes (most times!) and I would hate to tell him before he goes to work as he would just get himself unbelievably wound up, and that's not fair. I am so sorry I have not been fair to him, taking money which is ours, not mine - stealing. So, I'm not goody two shoes after all. Oh jeez what a blinking mess I've made...AGAIN!

I was going to start this sentence with 'Hopefully' but I won't. I will only beat this with dedication, determination and most importantly with the support of my husband, counsellor and friends on this great forum.

I have a chronic medical condition and many years ago my consultant said 'you have a choice: you rule it, don't let it rule you'. This is the same choice with gambling. It will not rule me, I will not let it.

Thanks if you have read this and best wishes in your recovery - we are all in this together, friends. Take care xx

Great honest post annie ! Stay positive about the future , things will be ok Hun X

Hi Annie. I found you! Wow, I have just read through your whole diary. Well done on staying gamble free for the weeks that you did 😉 it is so easy to get caught up in it again, most of us have been there but well done for coming back here and starting again. Your husband sounds like a loving man who thinks the world of you. Maybe you could try talking to him a little more, explaining to him how you feel or what you think it is that causes you to gamble? Maybe it will make you feel better too. Don't give up Hun. So many of us are fighting the same battle. Keep us posted and keep your chin up. Things can only get better,right? Xx star xx

Hai Annie,

A good solid post there.

I'm getting from your user name that we're the same age. Which brings me to this and your husbands perceived non pro activeness.

One of my favourite comedians was the late Tommy Cooper and this following joke really made me think how non addicts perceive addiction.

A man goes to the doctors and says -

"Dr, every time I raise my arm it hurts"
The Dr replies " well, don't raise it then "

Not sure whether I'm articulating my self well but we're ingrained with the stuff upper lip and if you don't want a particular obsession in your life. Well, just stop.

Yet, you like me and all on here, know it's not as simple as that.

Easier said than done, but stop beating yourself up, you've been doing that long enough with the gambling shackles

Good on you

Alan, Star, Dean, Volcano thanks for your comments and support, I really appreciate it.

Day 3, very busy at work then home for a wee nap! I was unbelievably tired the last time I was abstaining and I don't think it will be as difficult this time after I talk with my husband. I think keeping as such an addictive habit secret for so long is in itself tiring. This morning when he jumped into bed, 8loody freezing may I add, I thought 'just tell him now' but that would not be fair as I would go off to work and he would probably not sleep for the rest of the day. I definitely will tell him on Sunday, as I have said already. I am mindful that I am concentrating on myself and that is important when dealing with the emotions which come with addiction however, I am also mindful that my behaviour over the past few years has not been fair to my husband and for that reason I have to tell him at the right time. A time when we have no other plans, when we have enough time alone for him to take it in and tell me what he wants to do, after all I have done this is the least I can do for him.

Jeez-oh, if we only knew how that first bet, spin of the dice or roll of the slots would take over our lives and the fallout that would ensue. Well, my friends, onwards and upwards. Best wishes to all xxx

Hello my lovely man (aka stalker lol), had a lovely day. Hubby got unexpected night off so when my wee girl is not here will get it over with before Sunday. Actually shaking thinking about it, but oddly looking forward to it.

Day 5 will be the day my recovery truly begins and that is quite exciting. Watch this space my friends. Love to all xx

Hope it goes well just but honest no point keeping anything back got it all out in one go that's the best way. And tell him what you are going to do to change

Day 5, my journey has truly begun. I start this day relieved and grateful for the support of my husband. Yes, I have been and gone and done it about an hour ago!! Told my lovely man how my addiction has led to me stealing from him and our wee girl, has led to a mountain of debt, has led me to rob Peter to pay Paul, has led me to lose my self esteem and confidence in the strength of our relationship. My husband admits that he feels let down and disappointed that I didn't tell him before now. However, he says 'don't cry, it's only money and we'll get it sorted' and 'no more disappearing upstairs with the laptop'. I am a very lucky lady to have him by my side as I end this chapter of my life.

So, onwards and upwards. Monday, counselling session and call debt counsellors too. Along with daily diary entry and regular 'chat' I will kick this addictions a**e!

Best wishes to all in their recovery xx