Desperate need of help

I regret ever getting into this mess and am going to take every step to sort it out. Whether that's with my wife or alone.

That's the spirit my friend. That's the spirit. Hold on to that spirit for now.

Please understand... You're not a fraud and a horrible person for whats happened. If that's true then everyone on here would be frauds and horrible people and they're not... Trust me. You'll find beautiful people on here... Like yourself. You've been hit hard by a horrible horrible trap... It's taken us all at some point but you are a brilliant guy for coming on here and trying to pick yourself from all this. It takes sheer guts and bravery to finally admit enough is enough and seek help.

You're not a burden to your wife. If you can tell her somehow then follow that up with the proactive steps you've taken to deal with this then (and only then) you can hope to God she will stay with you and see your recovery through with you. If you tell her you need to prove to her that you want to do this or your plea for forgiveness may fall on deaf ears.

You sound like a similar character to me mate... We think alike I reckon. I think if you don't lose your job on Friday you'll attempt to bury this deep and not tell her (as you don't want to ruin her life and you're protecting her you'll keep telling yourself... True chivalry right?) And day by day you'll attempt to nurse yourself back to wellness and avoid a relapse... You're basically just putting all your faith into your willpower... At GA they teach you that willpower is invariably not enough on its own to beat this. Without the secrets and deceit to my wife I've got nowhere to run anymore. I'm trying to eliminate the potential of gambling again by closing the doors... the minute I place another bet my wife will know and my family life will be taken from me. If you are strong enough to beat this with some doors left open then good luck to you... I truly hope you'll do it.

I told people here that if I get accepted on the loan I won't burden my wife with what I've done... For her sake apparently. I got hammered for it... Eventually I came round and told her. Abstinence is so much easier when you have people watching out for you and when you have loved ones you can go to when gambling comes sniffing around again and you need strength in numbers to fight back. The fight against gambling will be an ongoing war for you and you'll need people on your side.

Ask yourself why you gambled again... Remind yourself what you promised yourself you'd do the time before last. Was it a total loss of control again when you gambled last? Probably? Did you consider your wife before or during the bets? Probably not.

My view is if you tell her this time you're considering her this time... Yes it's the aftermath but start as you mean to go on. Gambling will probably be back to finish the job on you at some point... Be ready. Maybe at this time it's the last thing on your mind but start preparing for its return.

Do what you need to do regarding that preparation. GP, GA, wife, counselling... Whatever. I don't want to bang the same drum over and over but life is for living, not hiding. You'll always have this burden within you every time you look in her eyes if you don't tell her. It weighs heavy as you probably know from previous. Life is for living.

Don't hide from the addiction whatever you do.

And whatever you do... Keep telling yourself you can beat this and you will beat this. Keep in touch.

I’ve decided to tell her, whatever happens, but I’m going to wait until Friday.

My thought process is if I tell her today, I will just tell her about the gambling/debt and not the work problem.

My illness has made me a secretive coward, that’s how I know I’m ill.

Thank you all for the comments, it’s so good to hear from people who feel my pains and understand.

You won't regret telling her... Whatever happens you won't regret it.

The gambling mind wants you to continue running, lying, hiding, devising strategies/plans... That's how it keeps you in it grip. Congratulations for breaking that cycle. The fight back begins now.

You know what I'm going to suggest to you now don't you...

What else have you got to lose by telling her about the job? Sounds like your on your knees already and gambling has you well and truly beat. Why would you burden her with a load of **** today then potentially hit her with another bombshell over the weekend? Would she cope with that double whammy? You're not only being transparent with her if you tell her about the job which is a good thing but your purging yourself of all all the guilt you're carrying around by keeping secrets. For your sake too... Get it all out not just some of it.

If you tell all tonight then tomorrow you BOTH wake to start sorting a out the mess but by bit. You both know what's in front of you. Keep it back and she will never be truly in the know will she.

Remember I'm only saying all this as I'm considering you, your burden and your mental health as well as being completely transparent with your wife which is a good thing. But as always friend... Ultimately it's up to you.

I remind you again that if I didn't tell my wife EVERYTHING I wouldn't be here now trying to help you and support you... Frankly I wouldn't give a **** about you probably... I would be engrossed with trying to win my money back somehow and would probably be s******g more money as we speak. Secrets keep doors open for gambling, deceit and selfishness to walk through.

Do the right thing... Get to a better place. Then one day you'll be supporting some other poor sod on here that's made the same **** up we have. Get to that place and you're winning. But to do that you need to trust in the process and support people are offering you.

Practical advice now: when I sat my wife down amongst the confessions I showed her the diary I had created. She read through it and I believed it helped my cause as it showed genuine remorse. Good luck.

Hi judge don't wait until Friday then you'll have 2 ordeals to deal with and will be emotionally wrecked. To be frank it doesn't matter when it's still the same tale. Why wait? One thing at a time, she's your priority. Whether she said before 'never again', most don't follow through with that. Start living with good intentions now, not Friday or next week. Today.

Thanks all, I’m just so nervous about losing the only thing left in my life.

If she kicks me out, I’ve nowhere to go.

Of course mate, of course.

This is the last (and most important) gamble to make in your life. That's what someone told me on here. I thought I had no chance but my gamble paid off. So could yours.

You've lost a lot recently and maybe you've conceded that you'll lose again due to your state of mind. But give yourself the best chance of a win. Don't just pour your heart out... Be honest, transparent and back this up with proactive steps you've taken to change and finally beat this. If she senses this transformation she may surprise you.

To be honest mate she'll know your off you're head at the moment as everything is so fresh. At least just lay it all down and give her piece of mind and relief as to why youve been all over the place. At least give her that. She's probably worried about you right now and wondering what is going on.

Its ******* scary telling your partner what has happened. Life will stop dead at the time of telling her. But if you prove to her you can beat this with her support and your serious about change... Life can start again for you both and be much brighter. Keep the faith and be strong.

I’ve made a step. I just spoke to my work about things, and they were supportive. I have the meeting on Friday but now I know I can go in with a slightly clearer head and it won’t be a shock to them or me when I lay my problems out for them.

I know that I need to tell my wife, I will tell my wife, but it has to be at the right time. Her mum’s 70th is coming up and I feel like I’d ruin it for everyone.

There's never going to be a good time to do it. There's always going to be a good reason not to.

Having been in your wife's position I can pretty much guarantee you she would prefer to know sooner rather than later. She's going to find out one way or another. Telling her upfront puts you in control of how it happens. What blocks have you put in place so you can't gamble? Show her you mean business when you say you're going to stop.

Hey judge

Good news that work is being good to you.

Do you think you're new reservations about telling your wife are linked to the news you just had from work? ie there may be a way out of this yet without having to reveal all if I keep the job afloat?

I'm just playing devil's advocate of course... However your thought process sounds like your brain is still frantically trying to devise and strategise a way out of this with least casualties.

If you continue on here you will see for yourself eventually that the people who are most at peace on here are those who once and for all put a stop to the strategies and handed themselves over to honesty, transparency and no secrets. When you're at peace with yourself gambling won't be able to get in. I know you'll understand where I'm coming from... Even if you choose a different pathway.

If it worked for them it could work for you. I don't want to see gambling get you again further down the line. Just think about it ok? There's so much going on for you at the moment just please take time to think about the best way forward for the future. Then you attack that one day at a time.

Whatever happens good luck at the work meeting. I hope you get the result you require.

Thanks both.

I think the reason I want to wait and see what happens with work is at least it’ll be one thing that I can deal with. I’m not good with lots of problems and like to break things down in order to manage.

My wife will know as there’s not enough money left for me to pay for essentials. I’ll need to sit and talk it through with her.

As I’ve started with creditors, I’m going to finalise those tomorrow and then sit with my wife over the weekend.

I wish I could do it all now, but it’s my way of dealing with it bit by bit.

As far as blocks go, I’ve self-excluded and emailed asking my accounts to be permanently closed without exception or opportunity to re-open.

Thanks all, for input and understanding.

If you're self-excluding from online accounts there's a newish service called GamStop which will exclude you from the vast majority of UK operators with more due to be included by the end of the year. Mr L had a bit of trouble signing up (we think because he doesn't have a mobile contract) but most here who have used it say it takes minutes. You can also SE from every bookie within a postcode area with one phone call (details in the info at the top of the forum) and SE from land based casinos through SENSE.

Thanks, Lethe. I’ve just gone on Gamstop also, it is a great service.

I don’t use high street bookies, it’s all an online/app issue - it really shouldn’t be so easy to access without support/advice when they suspect someone might have a problem.

Thanks for the support.

Judge1982 wrote:

Thanks both.

I think the reason I want to wait and see what happens with work is at least it’ll be one thing that I can deal with. I’m not good with lots of problems and like to break things down in order to manage.

My wife will know as there’s not enough money left for me to pay for essentials. I’ll need to sit and talk it through with her.

As I’ve started with creditors, I’m going to finalise those tomorrow and then sit with my wife over the weekend.

I wish I could do it all now, but it’s my way of dealing with it bit by bit.

As far as blocks go, I’ve self-excluded and emailed asking my accounts to be permanently closed without exception or opportunity to re-open.

Thanks all, for input and understanding.

I hear you man don't worry. I apologise if I have come across as grilling you a bit but ultimately I care and just want you to give yourself a fighting chance at beating this once and for all... I'm sure you understand.

An alternate perspective is always useful I guess... I can continue to offer you this if you keep posting and you do what you want with it. Just good to have thats all... Its all about not feeling alone in all this know what I mean?

Anyway all the best friend. Good luck with everything. Keep posting.

Thanks, signal.

Honestly, just having people to talk to who know what it’s like to have this burden is a huge help.

It’s baby steps for me now, but I want know I can beat this.

I dont want to be the husband/son/brother/uncle/employee who messed up so bad it ruined others lives.

I’m 36, I can make a life now free of demons.