Desperate need of help

Judge1982 wrote:

I feel better as there’s not the constant sinking feeling of lying to her whenever we speak, but I also feel worse as now she thinks so little of me.

I’m attending a GA meeting on Monday night.

Even though I’m excluded from all gambling sites, there’s a devil on my shoulder saying I can get it all back. Luckily I can fight the little b*****d now.

The only way is up from here mate. Beat that little f****r into the ground as you rise up ;o)

Lethe - I understand the trust thing, and know it’s a long road. I’ve given her access to all my accounts, spoken to my credit cards and told them to stop everything until they’re clear. I know she’s so angry and rightly so. I want her to understand that it’s not “just throwing money away”. It’s a state of mind that messes you up and there is no stopping it until you get help and are at rock bottom. I don’t want access to money, it’s something we need to live, but after the thoughts I’ve had about myself, I’d rather focus on health and being alive. With work, I shouldn’t have done what I did, but it might be a good thing in the long run, it made me stressed, ill, and I didn’t have any support until it was too late.

Signal - I’ve got my first GA meeting monday. I’m looking forward to it as I’m able to talk more about it.

Judge1982 wrote:

Lethe - I understand the trust thing, and know it’s a long road. I’ve given her access to all my accounts, spoken to my credit cards and told them to stop everything until they’re clear. I know she’s so angry and rightly so. I want her to understand that it’s not “just throwing money away”. It’s a state of mind that messes you up and there is no stopping it until you get help and are at rock bottom. I don’t want access to money, it’s something we need to live, but after the thoughts I’ve had about myself, I’d rather focus on health and being alive. With work, I shouldn’t have done what I did, but it might be a good thing in the long run, it made me stressed, ill, and I didn’t have any support until it was too late.

Signal - I’ve got my first GA meeting monday. I’m looking forward to it as I’m able to talk more about it.

My advice (at your leisure whether you choose to take it) is attend that GA meeting and there they should give you a small orange book packed with guidance, advice and steps to take which focus on recovery. You will find passages in there that specifically cite gambling as more than just frivolous, self-indulgent and selfish activity - the book describes it as a power beyond our control (due to the mindset that we have) and the usual safeguards built into us (e.g. willpower) are powerless on their own to stop its wrath. Perhaps show her a few passages that resonate with your state of mind once you've digested it. The reason I say this is because I think I get what you're saying about your wife's feelings - sounds like she is currently consumed by the idea that what you've done is purely self-indulgent, selfish and completely irresponsible... what you're saying is that for her to smash the surface and see addiction in its full glory and for what it really is... she needs to understand that the power and grip addiction can have over a person and the sorts of things it can drive them to. So see what you find in the book and use it accordingly if you feel it would help.

One point though (as someone pointed out to me) - please remember this is your recovery. Winning her affections and respect back is not recovery. Imagine if she had left you... you would be on your own and still needing a pathway and way out. Winning her affection and respect back wouldn't be on the table. You would have to find that pathway and work d**n hard at it to get to a better place. You're very lucky she is seeing this through with you. So work d**n hard at the pathway that you find - become a better person who understands himself better and is at peace within (it may not feel like this is possible right now, but it is) - do that and over time you will be free of the shackles of gambling - you will be a transformed character - you will be selfless, compassionate, you will be the best husband money can buy - you will be present and always willing to devote every sinew of yourself to your wife's and others happiness... as she sees this character transformation the affection and respect will win itself back.

Don't focus on the affection and respect - focus on you. That's the reason she stayed with you mate - you promised her you will change. And that's how her affection and respect for you will return. She needs to see the change. You can do this. It will take time.

Use GA and all it has to offer. Show her some of the readings... They may help her to understand the labyrinth that is addiction - they may help her to understand that you didn't simply P**s your entire money away on a selfish whim... you were a man possessed. Possessed by the devil and completely in their power.

I always try to remember that the depression, guilt, hopelessness and frustration you feel after this is the inherent good in you gathering steam and fighting back to claim its place in your psyche. So accept the above feelings - don't be frightened of them. If anything, those feelings are a beacon that underneath everything that has happened you are inherently a good person. If not, you wouldn't be sitting reading this right now - you'd be in a bookies somewhere continuing on with your path of destruction having made 0 effort to turn things around or at least admit you are destroying yourself and all those around you in the process - you would be in that bookies and would have no concept of what Gamcare or GA was... typing this makes me shudder as sadly for years I was this person...

Chin up mate - things are looking up for you - you may not realise that at this point but they are. ESPECIALLY if you make that meeting Monday. You'll get your self-esteem and hope back from that room. Good luck. Let us know how it went.

Thanks signal. It’s wise words like this that give me hope as others know, understand and have beaten it.

I feel like I’ve had a brain and stomach transplant. I feel a bit clearer and don’t feel constantly sick.

A long road ahead, but I’m gaining strength every day.

Mate - I have by no stretch beaten gambling or developed a full understanding of it... probably won't achieve either in this lifetime to be honest :o)

All I know is that I felt like you (physically and mentally) last month and after embracing a recovery path in its entireity (not just paying lip service to that idea) I feel miles better, I'm even able to masquerade as someone who is 'in the know' to people like yourself :o)

But the most important thing - one month in my wife sees positive change in me and is so pleased to have me back - in fact I've returned an improved version of my previous self. That's what both you and your wife are after right? Stick at this - put the work in and trust in the process to heal.

Read my diary. Our stories are similar. I hope it will give you some hope. Also as I am roughly about a month ahead of you - you may get a sense of things to come from my experiences and can prepare yourself - or at least raise your self-awareness of what lies ahead. I don't mind being the guinea pig :o)

We are all in this together.

You may find that wanting her to understand about the power of the addiction is too much pressure. The only thing I wanted to hear in the immediate fallout was that it was over (even though realistically we never can be sure). She has plenty to deal with in processing what's come to light and her own reaction to it. She's likely scared, angry and frantic with worry about what this means for the future and that is all consuming. Not telling you this to upset you or to say that your feelings aren't important but to give you an idea of her likely reaction from the other side.

She needs support too. Has she got someone she trusts who she can talk to or a GamAnon group close enough to attend? Can you point her in the direction of the f&f section here?

Lethe wrote:

You may find that wanting her to understand about the power of the addiction is too much pressure. The only thing I wanted to hear in the immediate fallout was that it was over (even though realistically we never can be sure). She has plenty to deal with in processing what's come to light and her own reaction to it. She's likely scared, angry and frantic with worry about what this means for the future and that is all consuming. Not telling you this to upset you or to say that your feelings aren't important but to give you an idea of her likely reaction from the other side.

She needs support too. Has she got someone she trusts who she can talk to or a GamAnon group close enough to attend? Can you point her in the direction of the f&f section here?

Yes, come to think of it this was sort of how my wife reacted to everything over time. I had to be advised (by a friend) that I was overwhelming her coming home each night and gassing off about what I'd learnt about myself in group or something poignant I had learnt on a podcast. My friend advised me that she may be all consumed by the practical fallout of situation and fear of relapse so be aware that my recovery is my thing... She doesn't need to hear about my discoveries... Just focus on being the best husband and dad from here on in and that will be the best thing that she needs right now. That's why I gave you the advice I did really.

But yeah - also as mentioned if you can find a passage or two from the book that will help her understanding of the bigger picture why don't you show her (try not to overload her with information and self-discovery like I did to my wife though!) Good luck

How did the GA meet go mate?

Sorry for the tardy reply, been snowed under, in a good way. Keeping busy, looking for work. Great news, I have an offer and start Monday!

Regarding the meeting, it felt strange at first. I was worried it might have religious tones but these quickly subsided. The group were good, told me about their experiences, good and bad, and it was good talking to people who understood the power this has over you.

They added me to a WhatsApp group that they use to support each other, so can only really say good things. I’ll be going back on Monday night.

My mind is clearing, very slowly. For the first time in what seems like forever, I feel like I can concentrate on things, it’s a good feeling and one I want to maintain.

How is everyone else doing?

Hey man.

So proud of you entering the GA rooms for the first time. I was somewhat averse to using the WhatsApp group at first but now I'm very reliant on it. don't be afraid to reach out - even over something you feel is trivial. Remember now you are in company of people that 'get it' and get you. They've walked in your shoes.

I'm ok... Got the fallout of my work behaviour to contend with tomorrow but feeling very humble and just want to apologise and not slander anyone so if I concentrate on the greater good... Regardless of the outcome I will prevail. I'm tired of fighting... Myself and everyone around me. I've realised I'm so ego-driven. More than most. To a dangerous level. Needs to stop... Not just for my benefit but for those that come into contact with me :o)

Signal, you’re right. The traits of a compulsive gambler feed ego/superiority, but also feed the opposite. It’s so messed up how it can affect you. Good on you for realising and staying positive.

I started my new job today, and the guys there seem cool. I was worried about things like if they ask about my last job, etc., but they just seem like a decent bunch who want me to work, so I’m going to immerse myself in that.

I’m also looking at weekend part time work, to keep busy (away from gambling temptation) and to pay off debts. Is that a good or bad idea as I don’t want to burn out, but know that the devil makes work for idle hands.....

Appreciate everyone’s thoughts.

Mr L had a weekend delivery job for three years. He used the money to pay the kids back the savings he'd conned from them. As far as I'm concerned anything that deepens the connection between action and consequence and staves off the complacency that can kick in as gf time builds is a good thing.

Hi Lethe, that’s positive that he did that, and can see the benefits.

Do you mind me asking how he was, health/fatigue wise? Did it take a toll, or was it positive energy to get him through?

Hi Judge

It was tiring at times, yes but being completely different to and less mentally demanding than the day job offset that a bit (change is as good as a rest etc). I think he saw it more as a making amends thing along the GA lines which helped. It was actually me that suggested he'd done it long enough in the end as a lot of the money had been repaid by then, the DMP was finished and I could see the day job was becoming more demanding.