woke up irritable, bad tempered and downright want to be rude to anyone around me!! got a puppy so thankfully she wont let you withdraw into yourself for too long as if I dont give her attention she is a little mischief maker! but inside trying to wake up my brain as all foggy. I live by myself which I love as right now I wouldnt be very good to be around. As long as I push myself to go out to visit my daughters I hope I will cheer up. Have tried the "there are people with disabilities out there who get up in the morning knowing they have a challenge just to survive the day" and "look at that terrible earthquake etcetc" but selfishly cant seem to stop feeling sorry for myself. The "well you only live once so what difference and who am I hurting besides myself? if I gamble all my money?" i know, I know, my life can be so much more fulfilled without spending much of my free time staring at a blooming P c screen, annoyed if the phone rings etecetec. but am going to have a coffee and kick myself up the b**t!!
cant stop thinking of money spent over the years but know I have to put that behind me as so many things in past feel guiltyabout and wont help adding money to the list. Its that niggle that I would win my money back that used to be my downfall but even when got some back would carry on. Reading others posts this seems a common action so put it down to a a gamblers addiction trait. My brain switches off and goes completely blank. cant settle today. Been oout with the puppy and put washing on. As I am not able to work due to a long disability, everything does take a little longer and I keep clock watching but not sure why? oh well am going to read some others posts and see if I can inspire myself to start thinking with a non gamblers attitude. Not doing this diary for anyone to feel sorry for me just being honest how I am feeling today and could quite happily burst into tears.
Hi mary,
Good luck with your journey. I expect it will take a long time to retrain your brain. It's not as easy as soon people think, just to stop.
If you have Gamcare counselling in your area it can really help, they helped me go over my thought process and try to change the way I think about things.
You will see from all the diaries on here you are not alone, get as much help as you can, cold turkey is good but very difficult without support!
Hi tearsofaclown. thank you for your comments and much appreciated. Did look to see if Gamcare counselling in my area but sadly none. Will see about gamblers anon. as used to be one 5 miles away. Had headache all day and feel very resentful towards gambling so thats good! think I will have early night as do feel tired and hopefully wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on a gamble free day. Do have a busy morning and then will visit daughter. I have closed my accounts online and as I dont go into town only rarely wont be going into the Arcade as funnily enough managed to stay away from them years ago as gave me bad vibes! also I would never go into a betting shop as always felt embarassed. So my main addiction has been the online sites. Again thank yu for your support
Hi
Mary
Thanks for your comments on my diary.
How did it go with the Ga search.
Is there a meeting close enough to you. If you have any questions regarding GA please feel free to ask. Also i may be able to pass on contact details of someone in your local fellowship if you let me know the general area of the country you are in.
Dan
hi day@atime thank you. Yes one about 6 miles away. Gloucestershire is area.
Hi Mary,
Thats my local meeting. Next meeting this monday 8-10, The Raven Centre, Hare Lane, Gloucester, GL1 2BB. We have 4 regular female members so there will hopefully be 2 or 3 of them there to ease you in. Although its a bank holiday we are still holding the meeting & it will be fairly quite because of the holiday so a nice gentle way to start for you if you decide to come
Dan
Thank you Dan. Not making excuses but my mums birthday tomo so wont be able to come but am sure it says two meetings a week and a bit earlier which I would feel more comfortable with. Havent gambled today but have still felt tired and irritablebut not helping having too many late nights so will be going to bed earlier tonight. Had a busy day so all good x
well installed K9 on all my devices so good feeling. Celebrated my mums birthday then went to car boot. Took my new puppy and she loved all the attention lol. Feeling more upbeat about things now. Realise if I want to break the cycle I need to remember there are lots of other things I can do. Did stop a few years back for about six months and spent so much quality time with my children (all grown up now) and want to enjoy life again. I do have an addictive personality so am sure I can find a hobby to get addicted to. Used to be fond of painting and have all the stuff here, just didnt have time before as glued to a computer gambling. Busy day tomo as babysitting and also have builders coming round so thank goodness didnt gamble away all my money!! hate to think if I had carried on I reakon I would have spent all my money and just felt embittered by my weakness. Wont be easy as urges come and go but first step in place K9 software so first steps lead to bigger ones. good luck everyone on diary x
Hi
Mary
Yes 7.30 -9.30 thursday. Hope to see you there
Dan
Just been rereading my first few posts an it reminds me of how low an how gambling cannot be a part time hobby so kicked my own b**t an decided enough of this feeling sorry for myself. Glad of these diaries as you have a tendency to forget the despair an self loathing. Note to myself "read first entries" to remind myself of those feelings.
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