Hi
After reading some other people's recovery diaries, I figured why not post my own here, maybe somewhere to write my thoughts is a good thing.
I discovered online gambling, kinda by accident, a month ago.
I never thought it would be accessible to me, as I have no vision. I just always assumed it was something I'd never be able to do
I remember the first night I went online, after putting the last £15 I had into a site.
It wasn't immediately accessible, but using some features designed to make inaccessible apps/websites more readable/useable with a screen reader, I managed to make it work
I also would turn off my screen reader on my device, and just learn where the ' spin ' button was.
Once I discovered I could do it, it took hold very very fast indeed.
I never thought I would get addicted, always thought I'd be able to manage.
I had a few big wins early on, my most recent and biggest big win, all at one time, the weekend before last.
I did some good things with the money first, paid bills etc, but then it all went back in, I got to the point this past sunday, where I literally had £9 in my bank account, to last me till January 11th, my next UC payment.
It was then I decided, this had to stop.
I'm on gamstop, and pre that registration, self excluded with some accounts I would have used most often
When I was self excluding, and registering with gamstop, I felt very strong resolve, because of the damage that had been done, even in such a short time.
Now I can't gamble, I miss it. Both because I have no money, but also, the excitement, the hope, the possibility of a win with every spin
I know I have done the right thing, gamstop, etc, but I feel so desperately sad, lonely, like I don't want to be here at all, anymore.
Christmas is stretching out in front of me, and it looks like I'll be on my own through all of that. Gambling would have been, and was, something to do.
It's funny, right as I typed about being on my own, my gorgeous littlel cat, lay his head on my right shoulder.
The only reason I'm not gambling right now, and haven't been since Sunday, is because I can't
I used the gamcare helpline in the early hours of this morning, and explained how I just don't wish to carry on anymore.
He was so patient, my advisor, and really tried to help.
Since Sunday, I've been consumed with urges, and they are still there, but also along with them, is this feeling of how much I've messed up, and how much easier things would be if I just wasn't here.
I can't understand how it took hold so fast, how or why, I couldn't just manage it like most people can, I was always chacing the next big win.
I think right from the beginning, I chaced my losses, and remember reading that wasn't a good thing
Hoping that maybe therapy will help, no pun intended, and not trying to be funny, everthing looks so dark just now.
I wish I was as strong as some people here seem to be, I hope eventually, I might feel, or be, this strong
Till next time
Hello pisces0387
Thanks for being so open and honest with how things are going. I hope it helped to write everything down and that you can continue using our forum as a safe space to share how you’re feeling.
It sounds incredibly distressing to be having thoughts that it would be easier if you weren’t here. I can hear how low this has all made you feel and what an impact it’s having on you. Well done for speaking to someone on our Helpline – it may all feel so isolating at the moment but you’re not on your own. Samaritans can also support you at any time if you are experiencing emotional distress: https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel: 116 123.
You have described missing that feeling of hope, excitement and possibility that you experienced when you were gambling. Even when we know an activity is ultimately causing harm, there can still be a sense of loss when we’re no longer doing it. You sound really self aware and in tune with your thoughts and feelings and this is going to help you move forward. This could be a chance to explore at a deeper level why you were turning to gambling and what it provided in the short term. You now have an opportunity to help yourself find other methods of achieving a similar feeling of hope and excitement.
It can be so hard when you’re experiencing urges but there are ways of managing them. If you wanted to chat to someone about managing your urges, you’re welcome to phone the Helpline again (0808 8020 133).
Even though you don’t feel strong at the moment, it takes strength to recognise you’re struggling and to reach out for support.
Take care,
Claire
Forum Admin
I have now turned myself into someone that people no longer trust, and that's really hard to take.
I know it's my own fault, but it doesn't make it hurt any less
well I just relapsed. I feel rubbish now, but at the same time already thinking when/how I can do it again, which I know isn't good.
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