Diary of a familiar tale

Day 77

Ian, Nt and D-Girl thanks so much for posting it is great to get support on this website and I wish you all the very best in your individual recoveries. I shall pop by to your diaries soon. I post less on my own diary these days but often check in elsewhere.

I am still going, still hanging in there, step by step and still fighting those urges. Every sports event has me thinking what if....

But those feelings do change. In the begining every sports event bought me urges that were desperately strong and withdrawal symptoms that left me feeling like a shell of a person.

Now the urges are still there and still often intense but occasionally they are not as intense as before and this gives me hope. I am enjoying sport now just a little bit more now as well.

Most importantly is the advice

I cannot win because I cannot stop

and as NT rightly says we are just one little bet away from disaster.

Stay safe and strong whatever you are going through

Paulds

Day 81

Saturday come around again and for all ex sports gamblers it is sure to be a tough one and each and everyone of you has my sympathy.

I can only but offer one crumb of comfort although the urges will be there, although the withdrawal symptoms will kick in although you will feel like you are missing out. You are not and you can get through this

Enjoy the day and embrace the sport for what it once was to you in the innocent days they may be so long ago but those memories do exist,

Embrace your family friends or loved ones and if you are alone embrace yourself and reward yourself when you resist. 81 days in and the urges come every Saturday for me but they do get less intense, now at least it is not every waking moment that I think about gambling. Ok it may have only progresssed to every third waking moment but hey that is progression none the less.

Enjoy the day as I shall try to do and stay safe and gamble free.

Paulds

Hi Paul,

Well done on your continuing recovery. I relate a lot to the "missing out" you mention. How stupid we are at times. Anyway thanks for the tune. Great taste again. Keep with it bud.

Best wishes

Ian.

Day 1

Two weeks since I last posted and unfortunately didn't make it to the 100 days I was hoping for. Found myself somewhere I have not been self-excluded from and the rest is history.

Starting again today because all that is left is the money to pay the rent and bills. Before of course I would have gambled this away as well. But I am not going to put too many positives on this negative period.

The first time I lasted 40 days this time 80 odd. I have to look back to see why it happened, I felt so unhappy even though i was not gamblling. I thought that my dark days would become lighter without gambling but they did not. As CG of course we want instant gratification, instant results, we keep gambling because we think there is always a possibulity this will happen on the next spin,horse,dog,match. If I was so unhappy then I may as well gamble was my thinking and how wrong i was.

I had improved by mental state but was really finding it difficult to see it, now of course I feel so much worse, so much emptier and so much more ashamed.

I apologise to all on here who have given me support, I know what it feels like to take the time to read and write on diaries and then that person disappears forever. I look at the thousands of diaries on here that have been abandoned and although undoubtedly some of them have successfully kicked the habit, I am sure that many of those abandoned diaries are accompanied by abandoned hopes.

I am determined that this will not happen to me. I am determined to start again and fight the good fight.

I am determined to build up quality and quantity recovery time. rack up the days and rack up those golden moments.

I can do this today and tomorrow.

I can do this

Paulds - checking in again

Try not to beat yourself up paulds this disease is so cute.

Your rite paul you can do this 80 days was brillant.

Let this be your turning point you can do it mate a day at atime i really hope u can.

Hi Paul,

I am glad you have not ignored the progress there - 40 days to 80 days. Going in the right direction for sure : )

Sometimes it takes a while to let go completely... Took me ages. I was in this holding pattern of being completely abstinent for a few months, then having a slip. It was progress, and I wasn't doing myself the huge financial damage I used to, but I would get frustrated with myself.

I would say in my humble opinion, you seem to be one of the ones with a good chance of beating this - persistent effort will come good eventually.

I have been using this forum for a couple of years now, and seen dozens come and go - there are certain signs, from the way people talk that make you go "this person is not ready to let go - no way!" but I don't get this feeling from you.

Sometimes it is a case of building up your confidence and learning to believe in yourself.

Take care,

f x

Hiya Paul

So glad to see your return. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been too great, but it's a blip..and I reckon you will take all that there is to learn from it, and carry yourself forward stronger than before. Your determination has always come across. Keep strong..thinking about you.

Love Del xo

Day 3,

Here we go again and this time trying to concentrate more on quality time spent not gambling rather than only the amount of days.

A small ray of hope descended today. It felt that the black cloud which had enveloped my whole body was pierced by a ray of bright sunshine. Just a small ray and only fleetingly but it definitely happened. I felt for 5 seconds genuine excitement because I know that I can go long periods without gambling and now i have the chance to do so.

I look back and see March and April as completely gamble free, they are nice months, green ringed months compared to the red month of May when I slipped. June, July, August, a summer free of gambling would be an incredible feeling and a wonderful target to have.

Not thinking too far ahead though, just for today I choose not to gamble, I choose to post here and I choose life not the abyss.

Paulds

Day 4

Just thinking about getting to the end of the week. a mini target but a target nonetheless.

June is almost here and I want a gamble free summer, I want to enjoy myself and live life with my family and friends and not be cooped up in a godforsaken darkened bookies to emerge penniless inot the bright light gripped by madness and sadness.

I want these things and I CAN have them, I can choose, I am stronger than the gambling demon. We all CAN have them. There will be moments of weakness but we MUST| fight on, fight the good fight forever.

Paulds

HI Paulds,

Well done on day 4. Your so right we can have those things if we make the right choice every day to not have a bet, i am day 38 and some days have been really tough where i have had to do it by the hour, just for this hour i will not gamble, but the urges are getting less and i find i can fight them off quicker. Im not under any issusions that i am cured, "The pilot light is always on with this addiction", but im fighting this when i have to and im enjoying my recovery when i dont.

I wish you courage and hope in your recovery, you have seen the benefits first hand from being gamble free, use them to drive you forward this time.

Blondie day 38

Day 10

Still going strong and actually thinking a little less about gambling because of other issues. This is a good thing this is the way it should be. My progress before was good, the slips were horrific, why do we do this to ourselves? It is a selfish greedy illness that we live with. But live with it we do, I have accepted that now, just have to keep that illness continually sedated and allow us to enjoy the real world.

I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to be happy and content as I once was. We can do this, we can live again.

Paulds

All slips are horrific, no matter how small or big they are.

Greed is certainly a word that I link with gambling, both from our perspective and the perspective of greedy gambling bosses.

As long as we continue not to gamble, our real personalities will come back.

And I just can't wait for that to happen!

NT

Just a quick note to myself on my diary to say that you need to be strong and need to be confident. Sometimes I feel that it is all too much but it isn't.

Focus on how bad you thought you were going to feel but actually things turn out ok.

Boost that self esteem you are not as useless as you feel.

Forget the self modesty it is not very endearing.

Read and post on this website as it helps and other diarists can help too.

Paulds

29 days gamble free.

21 more days to go for a half-century.

Been away a while on hols and keeping away from those bookies. Should have posted more but now reaching a happy medium, reading about gambling on here sometimes doesn't help with temptation. On the other hand I have written abolut my own gambling exploits in a way to let everything out, so I can understand why people do it. anyway the positives of this site outweigh the negatives hugely and I know that I will be forever grateful.

Sliped at the beginning of June and have the urges daily but still fighting still hanging in there.

Trying to improve my life more, need more self confidence, return not to what I was but at least with a few more positive feelings.

Just the ability to express my feelings in an honest manner. Gambling took away all my honesty, everyday was a lie, every conversation a cover up.

It gets easier if you are suffering, it gets easier, not quickly and sometimes you cant notice it on a day to day basis but hang in there, stay gamble free, it is never worth it.

Paulds

Hi Paul,

thanks for your post mate : )

you are having your moments, like many do when they start addressing problem gambling, but I do see a huge shift toward the right direction, consistent effort, and a massive reduction in your gambling.

That is not bad going, don't you think?

Take care,

f x