Diary of a familiar tale

Day 321 Gamble free

684 until debt free

Ticking along, sometimes I can go a few days without any urges especially when I am away. Other days I am desperate to gamble.

I really don't need gambling in my life, there are no benefits. 6 weeks until my full year but not thinking beyond today, my aim and target is to get to this evening without having bet as much as a penny.

Bean by bean the sack is filled.

Paulds

Day 328 Gamble free

677 until debt free

strong urges to gamble came to me and they are strong urges to throw away my life. I didn't like who I was when I was gambling and changing my life sometimes feels impossible or at least improbable. Stopping gambling is one thing but change is also necessary, I was a selfish arrogant gambler and now I have to remove those traits from my personality.

I can't change my life as I had no life when I was gambling, I was a shell of a person, I now have to fill that person with life and personality where none existed before..

Still taking it ODAAT and that way life seems more manageable. No greater target than to et to midnight gamble free, that is all.

I hear you Paul. I agree 100% that change is inevitable especially if we want to stay clean and move forward. You can do it Paul. Deep breaths and easy does it. The urges will pass. They always do. -joanxxxx

As usual you were right Judy. Thanks for the kind words just when I needed them.

day 331

674 until debt free.

Taken stock of my finances today. I know that this isn't a debt free diary but my debts have certainly become one of my new compulsions since I stopped gambling. Wow it still feels good to write 'since I stopped gambling' I am starting to feel like someone who used to gamble rather than someone who feels like doing it each day.

So I started with a debt of around 25k and this is now down to 9K. It has been going for ever but to get more than half way feels good. Just another 600+ days to go and I will be there....

Just for today I will not gamble, that is all, no grand plan, no grand gesture, no target other than to get to my bed tonight and be able to smile, it may be a fleeting smile and may not be an expansive beam that lasts for eternity but I want it to be a smile nonetheless.

Paulds

Paulds

never appologize for what you write upon your thread fella, without doubt what you write in my mind is pure gold.

The pastime which took all of our time leaves a trail of destruction, it is testament to you my friend that you are dealing with it.

To be debt free will be a part of that, another noose you will remove from around your neck

For that be proud.

Me I am inspired

Thanks for sharing

Duncs stepping forward never back.

day 350 gamble free,

655 until debt free.

I was thinking about gambling again and have visited to the bookies to go to the toilet. I had to spend a penny but wanted to spend several pounds. The small chemical reaction in my brain took me back to when I was playing the machines and the so called 'pleasure' it provided. I carried on walking and outside I felt like I could breathe again.

I have to fill my life with activities and positive thoughts but right now I feel weighed down by a lack of self esteem. I am not gambling and will only be able to function if this continues to be the case.

Paulds

Day 360 gamble free,

645 until debt free.

I think about gambling everyday when I am around bookmakers and when I am working away I do not. It shows what tricks the mind can play on us. I feel a real need to gamble but when the opportunity is taken away then the need disappears.

Only five to go until the year but I have now learnt that day 361 is the only target I have especially on this day more than others. Today is the day that an acceptable face of gambling is presented, a harmless flutter by the nation, families friends and workmates up and down the country paper over the dark interior of the damage that gambling can do. I wish I could gamble on this race safely but I cannot, it would be a disaster, the thought processes would soon return and I would be swept along as one bet followed another. Be strong today everyone, stick together stick to what we know, we can do this.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Day 364 gamble free,

641 until debt free,

My target for today is not to gamble, that is all. I'm as tempted as ever especially with the golf but hey that was me in the past, and this is me now.

Tomorrow will be year since I last gambled but that is too far ahead to contemplate, I just have to keep passing those temptations on the street, step by step, head down or up it does not matter just keep walking.

Paulds

Hey paulds,

I am a little early, but let me to congratulate you on this massive achievement. Day by day, you heading to the right direction. Anything is possible and you are amzing proof to show us all that it can b done.

B proud, well done and may peace and happiness stays by your side all the way 🙂

You are worth it!!!

Take care

Day at a time

S x

Hi Paul

Belated congratulations on reaching that one year milestone ,have you ever read your diary back ? The change is visible not just in the number of gambling free days you have racked up but also how you write. You understand that today is the only day that matters in your recovery.

Well done mate . Armour is gleaming and will continue to protect you .

Blondie x

Thanks Blondie and Sandra!

Day 377 gamble free

628 days until debt free.

Every day we have to be strong and sometimes thinking that I have to be strong with no slip ups until my last day on this earth is quite overwhelming. But I can manage today and that is all I'm going to aim for. Building up that armour and keeping the gambling demon locked away with no possible means to escape.

I briefly thought that I could allow myself one bet to mark the one year anniversary, but that was rather stupid, one bet is never just one bet, I would soon be in the bookies all day and that would absolutely kill me. Today is a battle I can win, just for today I will not gamble.

Paulds

Day 378 gamble free

day 627 until debt free (down from 1460)

One more day that is all, another day to fight the good fight against the gambling demon, just for today I choose life and the demon stays firmly locked up. He pokes his head out when I walk down the street and have to pass all those bookmakers, but they are not part of my daily routine any more. Just for today I choose to walk on.

Paulds

Paulds

Fella a huge well done for making the continued right choice for you.

I imagine you gift yourself a smile when walking by,I do.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Day 379 gamble free

626 days until debt free.

Thanks Duncan, walking by those bookies is a pleasurable pastime indeed.

One more day of fighting the addiction is chalked off, one more day to go, that is all. Bean by bean the sack is filled.

Stay safe and strong.

Paulds

Day 380

625 days until debt free

Strong urges to gamble but I will not give in. I now have a choice where before there was none. I'm now strong where before I was weak. I walk with a suit of armour whereas before I had no protection. I walk with others whereas before I was alone. I can call upon times I walked past the bookies whereas before I had only negative experiences to draw upon. I have so much to lose whereas before I had nothing.

I do not need to gamble whereas before it was my life.

Paulds