Diary of a familiar tale

Day 381

Saturday is always the hardest day of the week for many so good luck everyone. I'm trying to enjoy sport for what it is rather than as a vehicle to gamble. I have now realised that some of the sports I enjoyed I no longer have an interest in because my only thrill came through gambling. I am yet to work out an exact list of sports that I genuinely enjoy, an 18 year gambling haze has clouded my judgement. Did I really used to enjoy snooker or was it just because I was gambling on it....I suppose this is a period of rediscovery.

Stay safe and strong today.

Paulds

Day 383 gamble free

622 until debt free

I still have my bank balance checked every month and after a year of not gambling my other half is still understandably suspicious. I would be suspicious if the roles were reversed, the trust has been dissolved perhaps never to return. All I can do is to keep making the right decision, day after day. I do not have to go for a long time without a bet, only one day that is all, just for today. Tomorrow is a new fight.

Paulds

Day 2

days until debt free - 471

Two weeks after stopping this diary, two weeks after stopping going to GA meetings I started gambling again.

with devastating consequences.

4 months later after of a vicious cycle of destructive behaviour, I am mentally, physically, emotionally and financially broken.

Today is day 2 and I have stopped not because of some light bulb moment but simply because I have no money..

I feel sick, angry, my knuckles hurt from hitting the wall, from hitting those machines. There is nothing to do now apart from scrape myself of the floor and take it ODAAT. What an idiot, I despise this addiction so much, perhaps even marginally more than I despise myself.

I had previously gone over 12 months gamble free and had reduced my debts from well over 20k down to 4K. My dream of being debt free was within reach. In these months this debt is now back up to 15K. A horrifying reality. will do everything I can now, so much more is now at stake. I have no choice, one of us has to give in, one of us has to be squashed, I am determined that it will be you gambling demon and not I.

I will catch up on the gambling diaries tomorrow, great but sad to see so many new diaries. Together we can fight this.

Stay safe and strong.

Paulds

Paulds

the doors to recovery revolve fella.

Pick yourself up and learn a huge lesson.

The mantra never changes does it??

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

keep making the right choice

abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back

Day 3

Days until debt free 470

Thanks Duncan, as ever wise words, I can't win, I will never stop, only way forward is to abstain.

If nothing changes then nothing changes.

I am going to lock that demon up once again, I am stronger than I was, my armour is battered but I am still wearing it. I can do this, I don't really believe it when I write it but I know that somewhere deep down I do.

Paulds

Hi Paulds,

Well done.

Stay strong and keep going forwards.

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Day 5 Gamble free,

I will never give up, I have accepted that the gambling demon will always be with me. We live together, usually I live in a desperate state unable to function whilst he lives like a lord of the manor.

For the past 5 days he has been locked in a trunk under the stairs. I have lost everything this month including money that wasn't mine.

If nothing changes then nothing will change. I have a family to look after and I am destroying my future as well as selfishly destroying my family.

Will post more tomorrow and catch up on the diaries, they are always such an inspiration.

Paulds

Day 8 Gamble free

So thankful not to have gambled this week and so thankful for the diarists on this site.

Not sure what is going to happen this week as I have gambled away money that wasn't mine with no way to replace it. Time to stand up and face the music.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Day 12 Gamble free,

I wake up each morning and my teeth ache because of sleeping with a clenched jaw because of stress. I have horrible dreams and the comedown from months of gambling makes me low. But we must fight on and I try to turn those clenched teeth into determined clenched fists when I shower, just for today I will not gamble.

Financially I am in deep trouble and don't know what to do. The only constant at the moment is time and the hard times will eventually pass if I remain gamble free. These months will be hell but it can't rain forever.....

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Hi Paulds,

Well done on 12 days .

Keep focused and stay strong, because the only way out of debt, is by abstaining.

Gambling will only bring you more stress and despair.

It is a long road but slowly and surely making that one choice everyday to abstain and maintain does turn your life around, and the debts do go down, and the fog lifts, and you then appreciate real life.

You can do this just keep going taking one day at a time.

Suzanne xx

Day 17 Gamble free,

Thanks Suzanne, you are right about abstaining, each week that passes is more money I have saved from throwing down the drain.

No idea what to do but eventually this will pass, just for today I am not going to gamble.

Paulds

27 Days gamble free,

Going to carry on fighting, walked passed the bookies today, not a single person was inside. Great to see that for that fleeting moment at least people were abstaining.
The fight is long but we have help on this site in many different shapes and forms. Everything in my life is not great but at least I can hold breath and let out a peaceful sigh knowing that today I haven't gambled.

Paulds

Day 31

Still fighting, now a month, I have no money and bills have to be paid, payments are rejected by the bank and I am burying my head in the sand a little about the finances. Feeling pretty hopeless but safe in the knowledge that if I had spent the last month gambling then my situation would be far far worse. Get to the end of this month gamble free and hopefully things will have eased. Long way to go, just have to keep the gambling demon locked away, how I despise those bookmakers, just don't have that first bet paul that is all.

Stay safe and strong everyone

Paulds

Hi Paulds,

Thanks for your supportive message much appreciated.

31 days very well done,

About your finances have you thought about an affordable payment plan, it's not the end of the world to do one, interest gets frozen, and you pay back what you can afford, it's amazing how the debt comes down when the interest is not added on, and you will still have enough to pay your priority bills, and food etc, just a thought, you might be on a plan already,

One thing is a true fact the debts do come down but only if we keep abstaining and maintaining, cos that's the only sure way they get paid off, gambling just increases them,

Stay strong, each payday the finances do get better.

Suzannexx

Day 39

Still here still fighting, that Is all I can do, everything else is a disaster but I have to keep going. Keep it going until the end of the month and then see what happens. Thanks for your kind words Suzanne I am desperately trying to avoid a payment plan as this will be more costly in the long run. I just have to keep gamble free. I have a dream of a gamble free Christmas with no money as usual but this time I am penniless as I have spent everything on nice presents for the family and actually contributed for once to the Christmas meal.
Paulds