Diary of a familiar tale

Duncs thanks greatly for the supportive post, you are right that acceptance is the way forward.

I salute you and celebrate one more day won back for sanity and our loved ones.

Step by step we all march on together.

Day 40 gf

Day by day, step by step. Progress is monotonous as I have lost the ability to enjoy, to have fun. After so long blanking out emotions, feelings of joy are alien to me. Simple pleasures produce a smile, I have to be patience and work hard.

Stay safe and strong

Day 43 gamble free,

It still makes me smile, lying in bed last thing at night, safe another day has passed. Another day where I have achieved little but it feels I have achieved so much. Emotionally I have so much work to do to repair myself and those around me. I can only do this when I am gamble free that is clear. When I am gambling everything falls apart, family, health, fitness, food, drink, work, free time. It all goes down the drain and I must remember this. 43 days gone but the only aim is day 44.

Stay safe and Strong

Paulds

Day 51 gamble free,

My only target is to get to the end of this day gamble free. There is so much for me to be grateful of in life, I now have to go out and enjoy it. Step by step.

Paulds

Day 53 gf 1317 days until debt free

I just have to get through today that is all. Progress is painfully slow but I must see it as progress nonetheless. As a CG I want everything quickly and am impatient. Day by day it will get better but only if I stay gamble free.

Thank you so much for your kind words Paul. Always great to hear from you.

I cannot believe you connected what happened last year!

I will never forget breaking down at the table in front of the wife and kids explaining we had no cash!

Does not depress me at all but makes this year all the more poignant.

Take care and do stay strong!

Best wishes

Mark

Day 58 gamble free,

Thanks for the kind words Markman, hope you are enjoying your well deserved break.

The aim is just to get to the end of the day, all too often in the past I have set targets such as getting to two months, 3 months, 100 days etc. Looking too far ahead means that I sometimes don't deal with the here and now very well.

Today I will not gamble.

Day 62 gamble free

Just have to get through until tomorrow that is all.

I have to be more patient and help myself to concentrate more.

Paulds

Day 67,

Gamble free but big urges to gamble. It starts as a small wave then they get bigger and bigger. Slowly taking over, defeating reason, memory and conscience. Oh how I despise them. I just keep repeating that I just have to get through today that is all, tomorrow is another fight. I will be stronger tomorrow.

Day 69 gamble free, 1301 until debt free.

Having enormous debts does at least mean I get some satisfaction by paying bills at the end of the month. Welcome to the mixed up world of a compulsive gambler, happy to pay bills, happy that I have no money in my account 24 hours after being paid. Happy because it means I have no money for gambling, happy because I made the right decision yesterday, happy because the debt has decreased slightly.

Going To a place I won't be able to log on for a week, still taking it odaat. Stay safe and strong.

Wow just checked and you have been here for 5 years, and made me realise it will be 2022 by the time ive paid my gambling debt unless something happens. Its only 3 weeks for me and the debt clearance just seems so so far away. I hope I am here in 5 years gf and no debt. Im on the bus. Good luck paulds

Day 78 gamble free,

Thanks for the comments Smashed, you are all too right, 5 years of fighting. Also 15 years before that of not doing anything about it. Good luck with your own journey. Taking it day by day still that is the key for me.The debts will come down but only by not gambling, sounds obvious but my brain does not always do logical and obvious. Health, honesty, finance, relationships, mental well being, self confidence, they all suffer because of this addiction. Day by day I am fighting back, never going to give up.

Paulds

Day 81 gf

1289 until debt free.

Day by day I feel stronger, I am still weak but my brain, body and soul are slowly starting to become less toxic. Slowly but surely I am able to communicate with people again. Not going to go too fast or set any target apart from getting through this day. The carnage that is my bank account has not improved but at least it has not worsened. For today I have stopped the rot, just for today I will not gamble.

Stay safe and strong

paulds

Day 93 gamble free,

Trying to channel all my negative thoughts, guilt and urges into positive vibes. Good thoughts in- breathe in, bad thoughts out- breathe out. Just for a few seconds it brings relief.

Only one way to stop gambling and that is to stop gambling, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Have to keep fighting.

Paulds

Day 103 gamble free,

Had a strong urge to gamble on the football yesterday, thankfully blocks are in place but the split feeling of excitement at the thought of gambling and hatred and shame of acting upon it drives me crazy. I increasingly think that this is me, this is my demon that I will live for the rest of my life. There is no journey , no end, no light at the end of the tunnel, not because all is hopeless but because this is life, it will go on and I will go on. Living a life that will be happier without gambling, living a life where I feel I can breathe and not like I am tying myself in ever decreasing hoops of rope. Living a life that is tough but it is the only one I will have. I have to be as positive and grateful as possible. The gamble demon will be with me but it is I who is stronger now.

paulds