Diary of a familiar tale

Hi Paul

There are many things you can do instead of thinking about racing. Go to local park and take a good long walk, go for a alook round shops and so on. Just do something otherwise, I find, we areawaiting the next bet. Keep going Paul and the recovery will fal into place, Take care

Hi Paul, Well done ! The dreaded saturday ! It still niggles me a tiny bit after all this time but I find it amusing now. My brain still says YIPPIE ! its Saturday, but life is good now so no.

Keep it up

Mark.

Hiya Paul,

Just popping in to say hello..keep going. Keep strong.

Del xox

Day 17

Another weekend bet free and again must start this entry with a positive.

Thanks Del, Mark and Smiler for your posts, all supportive and wise words as ever, really need that sometimes, it is great to feel I am not alone.

I had the mistaken idea that writing a diary would be a lonely and private outporing, never could have imagined the support and most importantly UNDERSTANDING that I have received.

Feeling exhausted with dealing with everything at the moment, frazzled and churned up inside. Satying gamble free is such a plus though, having 50 quid to pay a bill now seems like I am an adult again, once more i can start to trust myself. Must remember not to get too complacent, just hang in there, keep it going.

I am taking tottering steps back into reality now, the bright lights of the real world are appearing, the darkness of the gambling days are slowly but surely becoming lighter like the minute or so of extra light we get each evening in these wintery evenings.

Step by step Paul, grain by grain the rice sack will get filled...

Hi Paul

It's up to you but be careful how much personal stuff you write on here. As you say you thought it was going to be a lonely affair only to find the world and his wife read it. However the plus side is that we realise we are not the only ones suffering from this debilitating addiction. Keep going Paul I can feel your strength shining through. Take care

Day 18

Wise words as ever Smiler, thanks for that, it is hard to find that fine line line between being honest on here and not putting myself in a situation with serious consequences.

Gamble free and have given myself a mini target of 3 weeks. When I started even half an hour gamble free seemed an impossibility. Even last week it seemed that from day 5 to day 7 was like travelling to another world. Feeling more confident now so that is good. 3 weeks is the aim.

Terrified of becoming too complacent and 'slipping', keep that demon locked up, he wont ever go away but I can control him not the other way round.

18 days ago I had given in to the demon and had told myself that I was not strong enough that the demon would always be tightly gripped around my neck, always in control.

By taking it step by step and reading the other diaries I have come to realise that it doesn't have to be like this.

Come on Paul, stay strong and safe today

Good talking to yourself does you good. Don't undo the good work you have put in. I used to feel guilty when I felt good about myself and blew everything to get back to my comfort zone of feeling like trash. Get in that "Feel good zone" and tell the world.

Take care

Hi Paul,

Thanks for posting on my diary. I think what you said was very positive. Thank you.

I remember when I was where you are now. I was almost dancing for joy. So elated I was shouting it out and several people thought I was on some kind of drug. All of us are individuals and our recoveries will go through the same patterns but at different times. Don't get too down.

You seem very positive now. Keep it up. Keep setting those mini targets. Don't get complacent. In fact keep doing all the things that have worked so far. If it's not broken don't fix it. Just add new coping strategies too. You have come a long way, stay in the zone. You have the demon on his knees surrendering. Keep him held tight and never let go. Remember gamblers never win and winners never gamble.

Best wishes, IanB.

Ho mate,

well done on the 18 days thus far. Find yourself a happy medium between confidence and complacency. You are doing great and one day at a time you are becoming further away from the addiction. Before you know it, being a non gambler will be the norm for you. You'll always have to have your wits about you but you can move on and create a much better life for yourself.

Take care

Keith

Hi Paul,

I can tell that you are putting a lot of effort into recovery, and it is to your credit.

A couple of pointers I would like to offer if I may, are this:

1) often people find that once they have racked up a chunk of time bet-free, they get an urge to gamble as a "reward" for being so "good". It seems to happen to people who are really committed to recovery too, and just shows the persistence of the gambling head, who knows no logic!

2) secondly, I found that actually having money was an alien feeling. I would have thoughts like "I have too much money!" I would feel I needed to spend it straight away, and sometimes the thought of a cheeky £10 in the arcade seemed harmless. A lot of CG's (compulsive gamblers) have an immature relationship with money, and it can feel freaky to let money sit there without spending it!

Anyway - A huge high five!!!! it is lovely to see your effort beginning to pay off.

Take care,

f x

Day 20 of non-gambling

Almost see those 3 weeks in sight now and not going to slip up in the next few hours.

Smiler, Ian, Keith and Freda, thanks so much for taking the time to post on my diary. I passed several bookmakers in a different town yesterday and thought about it of course. I then thought what harm it would do to my recovery, what it would be like to start over again, I am not sure I would be able to cope with it to be honest.

HOWEVER the first thought that came into my mind was how would I be able to come on gamcare and tell what happened. That is because fo the support I have received and the strength it has given me.

I have massive respect for people who have slips and then have the courage to post again as many have done. I don't think I could be so brave. Actually from reading the diaries those slips are often part of the recovery process and dealing with them is crucial to our recovery.

Anyway no slips today please, grain by grain that sack of contentment will be filled with rice.

Paul

Never heard that saying before, that is ofcoarse assuming that you did not make it up. If you did hope you have a job that relishes your talent.lol

I will be thinking about that all day, try to find my grains of rice within it.

Take care

Just for today

Dusty

day 21 = no gambling = good

Next target a quarter of a century

Thanks Dusty, I think there is a Chinese proverb which means the same as 'a thousand mile journey starts with one step' that says that 'bean by bean the sack is filled' so I kind of stole it from that.

Still obsessing about debt and just can't believe where I ever got the money to gamble with from, all money now goes straight onto paying bills. I guess the bills existed before but I just never paid them. Madness reigns supreme.

By my calculations I should be debt free by 2017 which is ridiculous. I must take on board the advice of other diarists, live a little more for today, the debt is still going to be there whether I stress or not, get on with living your life Paul!!

Every ££ not spent on gambling is like you have actually won..

Paul

3 weeks - nice one mate!

Of course you have to stay on top of your debts on a basic level, but try not to think about them too much just now. They can be sorted once you are feeling stronger.

Well done, and enjoy this first success!

f x

Day 22 gamble free

One more day not to chalk off but to celebrate, to be positive, I actually woke up with a positive thought as my first thought of the day. I can't remember the last time it happened, maybe 6 months ago? Day after day and the first thing that goes through your mind is negative, feeling trapped in a downward depressing cycle.

Just glimpses of positivity, like the daffodils in a frosty field, they are not taking over the field but they are there, they will appear.

Am now going away for a week or so, to a place where I will not have the internet, everything is on lock down and will involve a lot of fresh air and contemplation. This is a good thing and gives me the chance to get to 25 days and the four weeks gamble free.

I have decided to write in my diary sometimes about the issues i have to deal with.

One thing playing on my mind and one issue I have trouble with is the 'returning to reality' situation.

Gambling is destructive but was accompanied by highs, false highs in a fantasy world of despair but highs none the less. It is now up to me to replace those highs, to get back to what I love.

Funny thing is I don't really know what that is, the fog of gambling has been present for so long that I can't really remember what I did before that.

Suggestions from other diarists have been great, and it is clear that everyone goes about this in a different way. I also get the impression that others are struggling such as myself.

Certainly getting out there and enjoying the simple things, a walk in the sun is now an opportunity to wonder at nature and not an inconvenience as I emerge from a darkened bookies.

Or do we accept that life is actually rather dull? Some have suggessted it, coping with the non gambling becomes easier and manageable, actually dealing with life does not.

Perhaps replace those highs with other highs, some suggest competitions and 'good' addictions but that seems too painful, I have an addictive character I don't play computer games because I know I would once again slip into the fantasy world where I don't have to deal with reality.

I think it will take a long time to rediscover me, rediscover what i love, what excites me, what gives me those highs.

For some this is the rediscovery of their families, of life of the simple pleasures. For others i sense we are still searching for that escape, imagination runs wild and I think that should be embraced.

Writing helps, it is a release, it gives me a high as does drawing and mad water sports.

I don't profess to offer the answers, just wondering, just trying to help put myself in a better place.

Go away now Paul and become the person you want to be, nothing will ever be the same so don't try to recapture something lost long ago.

Fight for that contentment in your life, this is it, this is not a practice run, when everything finishes they wont say, ok that wasn't bad have another go at life see how you get on......