Diary of a familiar tale

This diary is yours and yours to heal yourself. Your last post is telling me you are moving forward and getting better. Wherever you go keep us all in mind and post as soon as you can. Things do get eeasier the longer we stay away from gambling. In no time you'll be thinking about other things. Take care

Day 29 Gamble free

Now feel more confident, having been away for a week without internet at first there were twinges, what ifs and I knew he would win moments but by the end I actually passed days at a time without thinking of anything gamble related. No urges, no worries, no depression, no staring out into the distance, nothing.

It was a moment of great happiness and the warmth within me seemed to thaw that frozen body just a little, a smile, a clenched fist because now I can do it.

Back to the town and reminders and urges again and this is good, stops me from becoming complacent, this is with me forever now I have accepted it, but now I am stronger not the gambling demon.

Paul

Well done Paul, you are doing very well and of course you can do this.

As long as you remember you are a CG you can keep away from gambling because you know exactly where it leads. Do not feed this demon any more because he will only get stronger in you do.

Keep him locked up where he belongs

Keith

Hiya Paul,

Well done! Keep going 🙂

Del xo

Like Keith said, we must all remember that we ARE CGS and always will be.

Which is why a tiny, tiny bet will not be the right thing to do.

It sounds as if you are in a very good place at the moment, long may this continue!

GT

Day 32

Still gamble free and every day is another step back to reality and all that it brings. Must start positively and 32 means over a month now and this by far the longest I have ever been gamble free in the UK. Now have 6 weeks in site and then aiming for 50 days. First going to take it slow though, still day by day, still reminded by the damage gambling can do.

Finding the other stuff in my life a real struggle although perversely I am happy to feel like that because it meanse I am actually feeling things again.

Thaks keith, smiler, del girl and GT your posts are always appreciated. I also read your diaries and don't post often because others seem to say things more eloquently than I.

Just to say everyone who is coping no matter hard, everyone who is living even though it is a struggle and everyone who finds real life rather tame then I think you are doing a great job and are inspiring to me and others.

Paul

Day 33

Gamble free still and must keep chugging along, been quite down today and through my own stupidness made a huge mistake at work which could have serious repercussions. Absolutely 1 one hundred percent my fault and I am quite wilking to take the consequences.

That would definitely have been the trigger to gamble as how could the situation get worse would have been my reasoning? How could I get to that place where reality doesn't exist and my own idiotic lies and stupidity didn't exist either.

That is the small crumb of comfort I take from this day. Things aren't getting any easier but have to hang onto those 33 days, they are growing and I must be too.

Paul

Hi Paulds

You may not have had the best of days but I would say you are growing as a person. I'm sure when you take responsibilty for whatever happened you will be treated with the utmost respect. Trying to hide mistakes leads to biggere problems. It is a sign you are getting better. Take care mate and keep posting!

Day 34

Thanks Smiler, wise and kind words as always, I need and appreciate the support.

Still gamble free and again that is the most important thing, still struggling with everything else, does this ever get any easier? I am sure it is easier now than a month ago, re-reeading earlier posts confirms that, but every waking moment is consumed either by guilt, stress, obsessing, right now it is a pleasure to go to sleep, although accompanied by crazy dreams at least i can escape for a while.

Holding up those 34 days as prrof of achievement, one day it will be 50 and that brings a smile to my face. Must try to be more positive, easier said than done!

Paul

No-one said that life was easy and these recovery journeys of ours made life that little bit harder to cope with.

Like you said being gamble free is by far the most important thing and you must remember that life is better now than it was when you first started on here.

Just imagine what life will be like for you when you reach day 50 then day 100.

But one day at a time, eh?

GT

Hi Paul,

Great to see you are still doing fab. I experienced similar emotions when quitting - I think when I was gambling, I could kid myself that I only felt scared/guilty/bad/down because I was gambling. That gave me a feeling of safety in a way - the illusion that if I stopped gambling, I wouldn't have these difficult emotions anymore.

Life still sucks sometimes, and I still feel like running away - but that is ok. The reward is, I am not digging myself a big hole of debt anymore.

Keep plugging away mate.

f x

Day 36

Thanks GT and Freda for your comments, life really isn't easy at times is it? Reading other diaries many seem to be going through a rough patch at the mo'. a big shout out to anyone who is suffering, remember you are not alone there are plenty of people on this site who give encouragement and have seen it all before.

A couple of satisfying hand in the pocket v signs duly delivered to bookies today as I was in an unfamilar area.

Temptation was there, so much damage in the past has been done and yet STILL a part of our brains think it would be a good idea to go in and have a bet. The human brain really is a wonder, we really are poor at judging risk sometimes.

I know that these feelings will be around perhaps forever, I have accepted that now. Before I thought that gambling was something to get over, something to defeat, a battle. But that implies an end, for me there is no end, just the company of a vile and vicious demon wherever I go.

That is all a bit depressing so gonna finish on a positive note. Still gamble free, still alive, still healthy, still have gamcare, still have my diary, so lucky in so many ways.

Keep those heads above the water.

Together we can do this

Paul

It's well worth thinking about the positives that we have in our lives. And there are plenty.

Kicking this habit isn't going to be easy especially if we have spent most of our lifetime gambling. It's a bit like having to learn how to walk again after something horrific happening to both of your legs.

Keep thinking of the positives, you are doing so well. Especially after today's v sign to those hell-holes!

GT

Day 39

Thanks GT you are right no one believes this will be easy.

Sounds great to write 39 days and just like the 39 steps everything is clouded in mystery.

One more day till forty is the next objective, not looking too far ahead.

Weekends were always for gambling, every match and race still sees me assessing the odds and visualising what bets I would put on, thankfully the urge to do it now is less than 39 days ago, but there is still the urge so must keep fighting.

Try to get out more and take part in social activities. this is something I have to deal with now as all my self-confidence and self-esteem has been shot to pieces because of gambling.

Really find it difficult to come back to social reality now, so long avoiding those situations but now must strive to put myself in situations where it might be uncomfortable at first but then later I will be happy and in a place I want to be.

Today is sunny and surely there is hope for this week, surely positive thinking will keep the demons at bay this week.

These things wont happen by themselves, now it is me who must decide no more wallowing in self pity hour after hour.

Head up chest out deep breaths and the day CAN be yours.

Hi paul,

it is good that you are realistic about having the gambling demon there in the background all the time - but if it is any help, after almost 8 months free I go several days at a time, sometimes more without having a single urge. It does get much easier!

Take care,

f x