Diary of a familiar tale

Day 40

Thanks Freda, it is comforting to know that it gets easier, I don't expect it to be easy just want the pain to ease a little. Up to me of course to do something about it!

I was thinking back to times when no gambling thought or urges of obsessing about debt thoughts actually passed through my head. They are often aligned with times when i have been most busy with other projects

Obsessing about these things has become a project in itself for me which is not good, the more I think about not obsessing the more time I am actually spending thinking about it and so on and so on.

Time to get out there to do what I want to do and be positive rather than just writing it. A big step from the keyboard to physical reality.

Come on it is a step that is possible, please get on with it Paul...

40 days gamble free now, look what you have done and look what can be achieved in the future. next target is 42 days and that will be 6 weeks.

Stay safe and strong everyone

Hiya Paul,

I think you are doing brilliant 🙂

Love Del x

Day 1

That slip brings all my hard work to the end, thought I may as well write on here as I really feel I have let myself down as well all the kind posters on my diary who have given such invaluable support.

40 days was not a bad first effort, but it was no way good enough. I actually felt relief, that was the brains ways of putting you back in the comfort zone. Actually on day 40 I did't really feel that I could do it as much as I do now.

Blocks are now in place but there are always bookies somewhere if we are far enough away. IDIOT!! Just when you started to pay back bills, just when people warned you this could happen.

The only difference is that on the first day one I didn't believe I would make it to the end of the day. Going back to day by day now, not looking too far ahead.

Come on Paul, you owe this to yourself, to your loved ones and to Gamcare. You have shown you can live with this demon, this time you set out better equipped for the fight. Do you really want this, honestly, otherwise you may as well give up as you will enter the routine of giving up for a month or two and then have a slip. Do you really want to do this? YES, can you do it? YES. Well in that case make more of an effort!!!!

Hi

Thank you for your post on my diary.

What a honest post, sad to hear about you slip. I slipped many times over the years. Some minor some major. But slipped never the less.

I am not a believer in counting days, as to me it was more of a count down to the next slip. Also it would give me false hope that I was once again in control .

So I really do do it one day at a time. For now it is working, as you mentioned that you had read my diary you will see that I recently decided to give up alcohol as well. This to is one day at a time.

I would not say that each time I went into recovery it was easier but like you was more determined. My focus now is what I need to change in my life to stay in recovery, most of this will mean changes to myself.

I do not know if any of this will help, I understand that you will not be feeling to great at the moment, but it was just a slip dust yourself down, do not obsess about it. Be comforted by the fact it was only one day and then you got straight back to the job in hand .

Stay strong, stay positive, together we can beat this.

Dusty

Day 2

Thanks DF, as ever you profess wise words, thanks for the support after my slip. Been asking myself why and how it happened of course after i thought I was doing well.

Good to know that the online blocks I have meant I could only gamble because I was far from home. Not good enough though, realy felt I have let myself and everyone on gamcare down.

I feel so determined now to defeat this, I didn't feel like this before, a week ago everything felt like a bonus, like it really wasn't me giving up.

I realise that I have to make changes to my life if I want to stay in recovery, the self pitying will only lead to gambling and back to the safe place of being down on yourself. If you feel disgusted with yourself then gambling will confirm this and reinforce the negativity.

Reading through the diaries others seemed to have had slips after a month or two and I knew I would have urges, must try so much harder. An hour was all the slip lasted but it was enough to go back to day one, but not back to square one though......

One day at a time, stay safe and strong in moments of weakness.

Paul

Hi

Great line that.

Slip lasted an hour, put you back to day one but not back to square one.

Brings to mind snakes and ladders.

Take care

Dusty

Keep going!

Just take things one day at a time we are all human and we make mistakes it is how we react and deal with them which shows our true strength!

Day 3

Thanks DF and Jake for your comments, really trying to put my life back together at the moment and you have helped. One hour was all it took but it was enough. Back up to day 3 and taking it slow, the weekend will be a big one as it has been every weekend.

Been thinking about the slip and why it happened and what kind of mad head space I was in. I actually really had to force myself to gamble and resisted greatly before pathetically giving in.

No other way apart from do what you were doing for those 40 days, they got quicker as time went on and you got stronger, not strong enough clearly but you are back where you want to be again now....

Paul

Morning ,

Just a quickly , try not to waste too much of your energy in the slip, use it instead to build up a great big reserve of determination to not let it happen again.

It is good to reflect so as to not do something again, but if you are anything like me it will have dented your confidence, try not to eat yourself up too much . Today is another day and will be all the better if neither you or have a bet.

Stay strong

Dusty

Hi Paul,

Sorry to read about you 'little slip'. Good to see you have come straight back here which shows you still have the same desire to overcome this addiction.

By looking into why you gambled will help you in your future recovery. When i returned to gambling, i knew it was wrong and I couldn't control myself yet i still went back because i was being selfish. I was prepared to take the pain in return for the buzz of the hit.

This time round Paul, my biggest thing now is accepting that I am Powerless over my gambling.

Take the slip as a positive, look at why you did it and make adjustments so it doesn't happen again.

Best wishes in your recovery, all the best

Keith

Hi Paul,

Sorry I have just caught up on your diary, didn't read any for a couple of days.

You are human Paul, you made a mistake. I am really encouraged that you got straight back on the horse, it is very easy to sink back into oblivion for a few days - BUT YOU DIDN'T!

You haven't let us down mate, you just made a mistake. I do believe you are doing your best and making massive progress. That is more than enough.

Learn from this, but also don't forget how

great you are doing compared to 2 months ago.

Take care,

f x

So sorry to hear of your minor slip.

You made a bad choice. We all make those from time to time.

BUT...

...You made an even better choice.

And that's to be honest and come back on here and start again. Huge respect to you for doing this.

This shows that you are desperate to stop this madness which we call gambling.

By making all the right choices together, we WILL all get there.

Have a great weekend.

GT

Hi Paul

Yes you slipped but you are armed with much better armour than when you last started recovery. You have 40 days of recovery in the bank and by reading your diary I can see you really enjoyed being there. Remember you have 40 days of recovery in the bank that you can fall back on when times get tough. It is only about today. My last gamble was months ago but today is the only importnat day I care about or count. You have as much as me or the next person.

Take care and use this forum next time you want to gamble.

Hiya Paul,

Well done for getting back here......and I'm glad you don't feel that your back to square one.. those 40 days are very valuble.

I would repeat what Smiler has said , try and get on here if the urges are too much. Sometimes just reading through your own diary can help greatly.

One day at a time... Keep fighting the good fight!

Love Del x

Hi Paul,

Thanks for the msg. Great taste mate. Music is a real love of mine. I have seen O R live. Fantastic.

Keep going and stay strong. IanB