Diary of a Loon

Well, I can tell you that the pain of losing your kids as a result of addictions is the worst.

I try to believe that having children (and grand-children) that I never see is still better than never having had them at all...

Every coin has two sides...

And these days, fifty is the new forty... You still got time...if you want it badly enough...

Hiya T, 

Thank-you for engaging with us. I love the fact that you've reached out for support in this way. I personally have found it really rewarding writing in my journal every day. I find it helps me remember that not every day is a struggle and most of the time I'm doing pretty well. 

I also get a boost every time someone like yourself joins in with us and this little recovery family grows. It's super late now but I will check-in with you tommoz and see how you are doing. 

I wish you well with your own recovery journey. 

Love from 

Drama x

Hi Clifford & Drama,

Thank you both for your replies - it’s good to hear from you.

Clifford, I can’t imagine that pain but I think the way you choose to look at it is right.

Drama, agreed, writing daily in a journal is a good thing to do and I like it that you use yours to show that it isn’t always a struggle. The trick, for me, is of course consistency. As an addict, I’m the first to talk about what I will do and then never do it. Today will be different.

Today is Day 1, I can’t count yesterday as I was in deep space for most of the day - most will know what the post gambling binge mindset is like.

There are so many things in my life that I need to address: smoking, drinking, isolation, depression/anxiety, weight and now debt too. It’s hard to know where to begin. So I’ll begin with the most destructive, Gambling - this has to be over for ever.

Luckily, I don’t gamble online - I have a visual problem that makes that difficult and so I never do. If I could do this I would have been totally finished a long time ago. It is casinos I like and that’s where I do the damage. So I’m going to sign up for Sense today - and that will be my gambling activity shut down. Not cured of course, but the access to it will be gone - should have done it ages ago. That is Day One’s task. The rest I’ll work on.

Hopefully, I can start building momentum with this new groove as I go - because I do know that a significant change in approach and perspective is required from me. For example, I wouldn’t feel nearly as depressed and anxious if I didn’t drink, gamble or overeat. Simple really when it’s in black and white. This, I guess, will be as easy or as difficult as I choose to make it, of that I am sure. 

Lots to think about, lots to do.

The Loon

A quick update. I have done it, at last. I downloaded the Sense form, signed it and posted it. A simple procedure but it has taken me years to do. I’m glad I have done it. Strangely, I was slightly embarrassed about having to sign the form but, in all fairness, my gambling has been much more embarrassing and humiliating over the years. I think I should look at this as a solid step 1.

Also, looked at my current debt - it’s 18.5k. Not terrific, but not impossible to deal with as long as I don’t gamble. That’s the key. At least being on my own means I can tackle this with full attention and no one else has to go without for my stupidity, every cloud...

I will now think about what my next step may be on my recovery journey. As I mentioned, it’s not just gambling but my impulsive behaviour generally that I need to actively address. One thing at a time.

Counselling again next week, so another good thing in place.

I am going to try hard not to be consumed by what I owe. I have repayment plans in place and I will just plough on. I have discovered before that too much focus on the financials doesn’t help - recovery and my mental health must come first. Without due care and attention on both I am likely to fall again.

Just setting off on this new recovery journey, thank you for your company.

Strength to all.

The Loon

Hi - Well done on the steps so far.  I was an online gambler, Sports, and found that self exclusion helped hugely.   I had a few times in the early days where I really really wanted to log in and have a small bet, which I had I always stuck to the 'small bet' along probably wouldnt have seen me in the dire straits I entered.

Your debt is manageable, and your mental health trumps it in importance.  Self loathing with gambling addiction seems pretty standard - when the mist of actively gambling clears you realise what you have done.   

Good luck and share your thoughts here.

Day 2. Still going and still a bit at sea since the last misadventure. Good news on the debt, it is not £18.5k it is £11.5k. Still sucks, but not as bad as I thought. My bonus from work will lessen the blow. What a waste though, no time to dwell on it just learn from it as best I can.

I am looking at all the other things I need to do but right now I am focussed on not gambling and putting rock solid barriers in place. 

The debt obviously bothers me, luckily I have it on a low rate with a modest monthly payment. As long as I stay away from gambling, I can address this in about 6 months by paying extra each month. Not too long. In the meantime, the payment plan is in place and I will not think about it too much. Otherwise it’ll drive me nuts. I should see it as a monthly reminder of the cost of my madness. It could’ve been a lot worse, there was a time when I owed hundreds of thousands and I’m not there, thankfully. Not there, yet. There’s always lower to fall with this so no more.

As I said, lots of other things wrong in my life but one sure step at a time.

Hope you’re all doing well today and feeling alright.

Thanks for your company.

The Loon