Diary of a secret idiot

Spooly

Fella the story of your gambling life mirrors so many others, we simply forgo anything to fund our addiction.

As sure as night follows day if you keep funding the punt before everything else in your life then this pattern will continue, bottom line is there is another way, you have a choice.

If you want to stop the punt,arrest the punt you can.

Put some blocks i place, gift yourself the chance to own that car,decorate your house and all the other things gambling stop you from doing.

A fella in my GA room often say's to new members all we are asking you to do is not have a bet, funny because with irony he is right.

I hope you use this wonderful forum for all it is worth.

The choice is yours, there is a better life on the other side of the door you stand infront of, it's your choice to open it and walk through.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Well done for the honesty you write with, that takes great courage,I hope it serves you well in making the right choice.

It is almost two in the morning. I have not gambled any money since about four this afternoon. I have banned myself from the websites I had joined. That is almost ten hours since I gambled. I have read about taking it day by day...it seems I am taking it minute by minute right now. Going to sleep now. When I wake up I will have been gamble free for 16hours. Going out for lunch tomorrow so should make it to the end of day 1.

You sound just like me, I feel like an absolute idiot for the money I have wasted over time, only my husband knows about my gambling problem and even he doesn't know the full extent. There's so much I'd like to have but cannot afford.

We can beat this illness together, I am Day 2 gamble free today. I understand where you're coming from taking it hour by hour, try to keep busy and away from the computer. I always get urges as soon as I turn the laptop on!! Keep strong and read others diaries on here, well done on your first gamble free day, J x

Spooly, it's harsh but unfortunately it is all true. This forum could easily be renamed 'The idiots forum' however by accepting this you now have the power to move on. Every day you can do something positive, ie don't gamble - it really is that simple. The hard part is keeping the demons in your head at bay. Read plenty other diaries on here, so many can give inspiration and no there's no quick fix to get you that nice house, car, holiday but at least you will know you aren't giving the bookie/casino owners anymore luxuries on your hard earned money.

Thank you for your replies. They are much appreciated. I only have a few mins but I wanted to say I have made it through day1 and in eight hours I will have done day 2. It helps being busy . I watched a full movie yesterday. Actually watching movies is a good distraction for now. I have missed so many..today I am going to tidy a room .i just realise that I usually say tidy the whole house...I wonder do i do I set myself up to fail sometimes?

Hi Spooly - Well done on your approaching Day 2 of sanity. I think you are right about setting ourselves up to fail - the answer is to take things slowly, deciding on perhaps one task which can be achieved - tidying a cupboard instead of a whole room is enough for me some days! The same thing applies to our struggle for recovery - one minute at a time turns into an hour, into a day.

As for beating yourself up about wasting money which could have been spent on nice things, I think you will be surprised at how your bank balance will increase (perhaps slowly at first) by your not gambling. I used to get excited about winning a few hundred (which of course I soon lost) but I now have more money than I ever did when a slave to online slots, and without any effort!

Have an enjoyable day with the family and if you are going to be on your own tomorrow, watch out for that nasty gambling troll sitting on your shoulder - get outside or do something else to distract yourself.

Best wishes,

Joanna

Is this it?? Tv followed by crisps followed by TV and then chocoLate and then more tv. That's after spending half the day in bed? No motivation for anything, and had an epiphany . I tried to log on today and they had barred me. From all Gibraltar sites. My a good and regular player and payer who never manages to withdraw.

I googled and this usually happens to people when they try to withdraw winnings. It's very common I understand from the number of people who have written about it.....

so a huge win that I never managed to withdraw caused my addiction. I kept wanting to repeat it. I thought I would know to withdraw it next time. Four years and every spare (And not spare) penny I had gone to get a win which they would most likely not have paid out anyway. What a fool I've been and what a revelation I've had. It's kinda really made something click into place in my brain.

Now for more chocolate and more tv....

I googled how to escape your life. I think it starts with packing a suitcase and jumping on a flight. ...if only...maybe that's what gambling gave me ..an escape from this boring unfulfilled life .. Is this it???

Hi Spooly,

Gambling has been an escape for so many of us, and an escape from the monotonous everyday life is on thing that it can be. The reality is though that gambling is what keeps you in the boring life, it takes away the money that you would use for nice holidays or meeting other people, and it sticks you in a rut that it is hard to get out of.

I share the same feelings, particularly when I get down and depressed, but even if this is it, this is much better without gambling. You'll never be able to seize the day if you're gambling, as you'll always be working to pay off the debts it brings with it. Keep going.

All the best

Ryan

Spooly

Fella Ryan said it all to be honest.

The addict in your mind will be whispering sweet nothings about how shi#tty life is without it.

that the big win you hang on for is just around the corner.

Truth is what is a big win,the one that would make you stop??

For me it never came,every win just compelled me to raise the stakes,relentlessly punt on.

I never could walk away,the story of the compulsive gamblers life.

A joke often shared in my GA room

How do you make a compulsive gambler a millionaire???

Start him a billionaire!!!

Apt and very true in my mind.

To arrest the destruction will leave the immediate shi##t caused by the affects of it,but with out gambling further destruction is not added.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

hi spooly , just a thought , i read something on someones diary once and they said the buzz of gambling made everyday life without gambling appear boring and dull , and i think there right , as it does but it is the right word [ appear ] as this life we have is amazing and great and im only realizing after stopping gambling , because when gambling , this buzz we get lies to us it makes us think we are then living happy and normal life is dull and boring , but normal life is not dull and boring it only appears that way when gambling . But then after, once this addiction has lied to us and taken us away from normal life , this addiction/buzz whatever you want to call it then slowly destroys us bit by bit , taking our money taking our personality our friends , gifting us debt ect... ect... ect.... until we find ourselves here wanting nothing but our old lives back , but like you eating chocolate and crisps and watching a film thinking is this it , still missing that buzz , but it will take time for you to stop missing that buzz and until you stop missing it life will just not feal great, but eventually as you fight it that buzz you miss will slowly dissapear , and as it does then you will start to realise how good life is again and probably more than life felt before you started gambling , keep strong pal , online gambling the only way ive managed to stop was by getting rid of my debit card , give it to somebody to look after or destroy it if you can live without it, whatever it takes just do it as we dont want to buy any casino owners any more new cars as you so rightly said thats what we have been doing, thanks simon

Hi Spooly, your story is like mine and probably thousands of us. I am now 5 weeks clean having spent three years in hell, cheating, lying and blowing everything. But I feel better, I feel better because at last I am starting to be able to afford to buy my family lunch on a day out, I am starting to think maybe next year we might be able to afford a short holiday, I am starting to think I might just avoid bankruptcy. Keep going pal, it's tough to start but gets easier.

Wow, thank you everyone for the support. I have not replied to anyone on here yet but I will when I get t a positive place.I woke this morning with a really bad headache.i never get headaches. I remained in bed all day. And despite the discomfort and pain it has been lovely taking a day our of life. Just a day to rest my body and my brain. I slept nearly all day. I have just woke up and it is nearly nine at night and reading your posts has inspired me. For the first time in years I find myself making plans. Next week , on pay day I am going to buy some new clothes and get my hair done . I am going to book a table for a meal at the weekend so I have something to look forward to and take my husband out. I never make plans. It's always what will we do and then go to any old cafe or take away. Can I afford this. No but it will cost a lot less than gambling. I am going to make sure I have lots to look forward to. It also gives me something to talk about. You can't really describe a night at the bingo or a night spent on line gambling to others. Yes I am starting to feel a wee bit normal. It's time to take my life back!!thank you everyone.

Wow, thank you everyone for the support. I have not replied to anyone on here yet but I will when I get t a positive place.I woke this morning with a really bad headache.i never get headaches. I remained in bed all day. And despite the discomfort and pain it has been lovely taking a day our of life. Just a day to rest my body and my brain. I slept nearly all day. I have just woke up and it is nearly nine at night and reading your posts has inspired me. For the first time in years I find myself making plans. Next week , on pay day I am going to buy some new clothes and get my hair done . I am going to book a table for a meal at the weekend so I have something to look forward to and take my husband out. I never make plans. It's always what will we do and then go to any old cafe or take away. Can I afford this. No but it will cost a lot less than gambling. I am going to make sure I have lots to look forward to. It also gives me something to talk about. You can't really describe a night at the bingo or a night spent on line gambling to others. Yes I am starting to feel a wee bit normal. It's time to take my life back!!thank you everyone.

Wow, thank you everyone for the support. I have not replied to anyone on here yet but I will when I get t a positive place.I woke this morning with a really bad headache.i never get headaches. I remained in bed all day. And despite the discomfort and pain it has been lovely taking a day our of life. Just a day to rest my body and my brain. I slept nearly all day. I have just woke up and it is nearly nine at night and reading your posts has inspired me. For the first time in years I find myself making plans. Next week , on pay day I am going to buy some new clothes and get my hair done . I am going to book a table for a meal at the weekend so I have something to look forward to and take my husband out. I never make plans. It's always what will we do and then go to any old cafe or take away. Can I afford this. No but it will cost a lot less than gambling. I am going to make sure I have lots to look forward to. It also gives me something to talk about. You can't really describe a night at the bingo or a night spent on line gambling to others. Yes I am starting to feel a wee bit normal. It's time to take my life back!!thank you everyone.