Dilemma

It's been a good few months, so I felt it was time to check in.

I go on a lads golf tour every year. It was around 5-6 years ago that we were in Portugal. We had a big night out after the golf. As usual I seeked out the local casino with a couple of the other guys. It was just one of those nights and I kept losing and losing.....back to the cashier again and again. Anyway, eventually there was no more cash. I went to the loos and just broke down crying. I've not done it before and not done it since (during a binge). My friends found me, not before I had had to walk past the rest of the group at one of the bars. They all saw the state I was in. It was probably one of the worst nights of my life. 16 close mates were now fully aware I had a problem and I felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself. The guilt towards the family was also overwhelming.

At the time I thought it was my rock bottom. A time to remember in order to stop gambling. As time went on, the memory faded away. One little bet led to others and then I was back in the thick of it.

I raise this as I'm heading off to Spain with the same lads on Thursday. It's now been around 30 months since my last bet. The friends know that I've stopped. They still tease me about the crying incident. I'm honest with them if they ask. Yes I had an addiction to gambling and I don't do that anymore.

Russ

Thanks for the supportive post on my diary. Yep, nearly a year now clean (bar 3 lottery tickets),first time in 28 years, The finances are improving.

The last post you wrote here - I've read back a few pages too - rang bells with me. I've never admitted my problem to anyone, nor broke down , but I've certainly been in a severely heightened emotional state (it affects my digestion...well, you don't want to know). It's good you remember it, and it's good for me too.

thanks again

A quick check in to keep myself topped up. No real gambling thoughts....apart from dreaming about a 500 pound fruit machine the other night. I watched the panorama programme last night with my wife. Overall it was pretty weak. I know many have had issues with this site being funded by gambling companies. I don't have a problem. Gamcare saved me and my marriage. It's a free service that is available to all. I don't agree with what is happening in the high streets, online and on the tv.....but I know where to go to discuss this. The gambling companies will make their profits and satisfy the shareholders. In the end, this won't last. They are making hay while the sun shines (at the cost of the compulsive gambler). At the end of the day, we all have a choice. Make the right choice and decide to stop gambling rather than stop losing. Russ

A good time to post as we start 2013. I've had a few gambling thoughts. It's been nearly 3 years since I stopped gambling and turned my life around. Since then we have saved and with the help (at a hideous rate)off the bank, remortgaged our house in order to build a much needed extension. This means that I have a significant sum sitting in our account. We are unlikely to be able to doing everything we would like and as such need some more money.

This is why these thoughts have come from. It also doesn't help when you are watching sporting events and the latest odds come up on the screen. I'm not going to gamble and never will because I can recognise the signs and get the urges off my chest.

He's to another year gamble free. It can be done.

Russ

Congratulations on coming this far - what an achievement.

Money sitting around in an account, esp when earmarked for something else, can be a temptation too many. Take care. In a weird way it's worse losing money you have rather than money you don't have.

Enjoy sunny Spain!

Hi Russ.

Cheers for welcoming me back. You are a good man. I'm going to stick close to this place in future as it is the only thing that has ever worked for me.

I continue to find inspiration in your own story and that of my other old friends. You just stay strong my blue brother and never get complacent.

Yes the blues are having a great season. If we can avoid too many injuries to key players then we might just *** the top 4. We might just as easily lose at Cheltenham on Monday though such is the life of an Evertonian!

I hope all is well mate and thanks again pal.

Another inspiring read from a diary that will 100% certain be 3 years bet free come the Cheltenham festival.

Well done Russ I know you still pop in now and again.

Morning Russell.

I look forward to congratulating you on that 3 year mark in a few weeks time. Looking at the weather forecast it does seem that the snow will finally start melting away this week. Thank The Lord. I have not hit a golf ball for 2 weeks and that is doing my nut in!

What are your plans for this year? You going to get that handicap down or will you be playing cricket during summer comp season?

All the best pal.

Page 9 is no place for a diary due to celebrate 3 years gamble-free during the Cheltenham Festival!

Russ mate you are a shining example to all and a real inspiration to me personally. You need absolute determination to conquer an addiction to gambling and you have shown that in spades my friend.

Barman, a glass of virtual Moët for my friend Russ please.

All the best mate.

Thanks Curly, kind words.

Yes it will be three years come Thursday. It's a handy date in order to remind me. I'm happy to have have virtual glass of Moët amongst my gamcare buddies, but it won't be a real one with my wife. She doesn't see it as an achievement. She see's it as me being normal. It's taken me some time, but I understand that view now. I'll have to leave the backslapping to these pages!

I dare to say that the trust in our relationship is back. To anybody reading this, it's taken three years of being totally open and honest. It's been a tough road, but it's been worth it.

I still look back on Vegas as being massive. To go there for four days and four nights and not gamble was amazing. I've used that experience as the main 'block' along with losing my family. Those mental blocks do work.

Strangely enough I had a vivid dream last night. I was playing on the fruit machine. I was relieved to wake up. I used to love Cheltenham, the grand national and the Masters. It was all about the betting. Reading posts from Jeff and the Captain this evening, I would say I'm somewhere in the middle. I can watch and really enjoy the big sporting events without having a bet. I've lost interest in the day to day sports. I can happily miss them and watch a film or go for a run. I do miss it sometimes and I feel like I've cost myself an enjoyment (for a normal person). The trouble is I'm not normal when I'm gambling. I'm a selfish, lying, untrustworthy individual.

Thank goodness those days are gone.

Russ

Hi Russ

Always good to hear from you kid.

First of all m8 i would like to congratulate you for tomorrow excellent work.

Now as for Everton playing bad m8,im sure you know that doesnt come into it when you play City.Im never confident.

Im sure you will turn it on against us.Of course im trying to moan us in 3 points lol.All the best kid Jeff

Another 2 months have past and I'm still gamble free. The extension to our house is nearly finished. The last payment is in cash, so I've been coming out of the bank with big brown envelopes! In the back of my mind, the old gambling voice was chirping away 'you could double it...a nice evens favourite'. I dismissed it and moved on. I hope you all conquer your demons and live an honest bet free life. Russ

First update since May. I really should try and update my diary more often. Even after all this time the temptation comes back. I took 3 thousand pounds out of the bank the other day to pay the builder for a bit of work. I instantly had thoughts of doubling the money on a nice evens odds bet. Clearly deluded thoughts....but the thought was there after so many years of non gambling. That's the thing, it will always be there for us gamblers. It never goes, it's just how we manage it. My life and relationship with my wife is sooooo much better without gambling and I truly mean that. Take care all and it can be beaten (or controlled!) Russ

Just read my last two posts...almost identical without realising!

Thanks for the fantastic post on my diary Russ, means a lot to hear you say that, gives me a lot of confidence that my head is really in the right place now.

So pleased for you going 3 years without a bet now, magnificent, all the best.