Don't feed the monster

Well I got through the day. I chose to gamble but only used £10. I gave in to my demon but it was better than resistance all day and then doing something idiotic. I'm not annoyed with myself but have a massive resistance headache.

Things have been so difficult in my personal life in the last few years. Deaths and diseases. My family and friends and a big personal scare of my own.

I'm not making excuses but I'm lost. Completely lost. After last nights selfish cry for help I feel like I want to end things. Work is the only good thing in my life right now. Tomorrow is another day and I need to get through it better. I need to find the strength from somewhere to get back to my former self. I was once respected, loved and cared for. Now I'm a shadow. I'm living a lie. I need change quickly. I've not much time left. My patience with myself is thinning by the second.

You can choose not to gamble. You can choose to put every barrier you can in the way of your access to gambling and you can choose to sign up for counselling and go to GA. You can choose normality but you have to want it and then keep on wanting it more than you want the next bet but no-one can do it for you. What are you going to do to change things?

I know what to do. I've done this a few times before which created three periods of over two years gamble free. I've just not got the strength at the moment. I've come here to find that strength. To see what I have left in my locker. At the moment I'm at my lowest ebb and anything seems like an achievement. Not risking my pay today was a big step in the right direction. One day at a time.

Hello Less than,

It's good you know what to do as you've had periods in your life without gambling! The best things for us as humans are often the most difficult but we put ourselves through it because we want to become better.

I remember things like this when i have bad days it would be EASY for me just to give to gambling and not have this battle in my life but I've commited to becoming a better person.

You can do it, you've been here before!

Check out my blog www.conradnose.com

Thank you. I used to do something similar myself. I will follow.

Mr.b

Fella let's face facts we talked like gambler's, false promises, false dawns and always a promise of tomorrow.

Tomorrow never comes my dear friend, it was simply today yesterday.

Now is the time to stand and be counted, you don't love horse racing any more than I love the fobt.

Our addiction loves them, and we have dedicated a lifetime to feeding addiction, on no doubt the false promises it gives.

I got to my lowest point in my life three weeks ago I had settled for ending my life, the circumstances didn't let that happen, something /someone had my back fella.

I have been given a chance, you can call it the last chance, because I know that the circumstances may not be as favourable if I let my life spiral beyond my control again.

I have been deeply humbled by the reaction of many folk in the past weeks and have found for the first time in a long time solid ground under my feet, everything that has previously prevented me from accepting recovery /discovery of the life that is free of addiction ruling it is outed, I have the opportunity to live a life that I know is possible.

It will take a great deal of effort, courage and some tough decisions but I have amassed an army of support and have taken the right practical steps to start the journey.

Ian please join me, I know that you have the courage to do so, I know that you can achieve what may look unachievable.

My email is still the same as is my address, my phone number has changed, give me an email and I will give it to you willingly, unconditionally.

Time to live a life without any more self destruction.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs.

It was around six years ago that I first came to gamcare. I met some people on the inside and the outside. I wanted to know those people and what made them tick. I wanted to help them whilst continuing to help myself. I wanted answers.

These days I wonder whether there are any answers. It's just to take things one day at a time. Some days it's fairly routine not to gamble. Other days it's virtually impossible. I try to look at it as I'm feeding something inside. Something that's awful and greedy. It's a monster that wants to destroy us. Don't feed the monster because he gets stronger. From today I'm not going to take any interest in sports. It's sport betting that kills me. I'm not happy with watching without a bet. I'm going to pursue some other things. I need to get my health back and lose some weight. I've also decided I'm going to move. A new location in my city. Closer to my family not running away this time. Lots of ideas to keep me occupied. No excuses. I have around 10k worth of debt to pay over the next two years. It's going to be a slog but I'm more determined than ever to do it. I will become honourable once more.

Sounds like good moves.

At the end of the day, 'sports' mean f@/k all. If addiction really is that tied in with watching sports then it needs to be knocked on the head.

Being into 'sport' ie watching (bettable) sports on TV can itself be compulsive even without the betting. Watching sport or gambling, it's all part of the same thing of retreating into a loner sudo-macho bubble (with heavy advertising to kid us this is somehow ok behaviour)

I sense a determination to stop running away - and to move towards what matters: family, health..maybe you can add friendships.and interests. Therein lies answers to moving away from addiction.

Best wishes

Louis

Thank you Louis. I have posted on your diary. So far so good. If I look I bet. The answer is not to look. I will take your advice and try to build trusted and valued friendships too. I'm determined to do this. All online accounts are now excluded for the maximum term. This afternoon I am embarking on a journey to exclude from every betting shop in my home city. A refusal to look at any media and teach my brain once more that gambling for me is a big no. I can understand that others can bet and walk away. I would love to be one of those people but I'm simply not. It's all or nothing for me.

Thanks (and thanks for thanking on my diary - kind of self absorbed how people usually thank on their own. But I digress!).

Sounds good. Seems like addicts are great at throwing their weight impulsively in one direction -usually the wrong one.

Great to see you throwing the kitchen sink in the right direction. Obviously you'll need patience and courage but it's a good start.

Louis

Today I decided to go visit some places. Where I was born and another where I grew up. I retraced my history. It's where it all started for me. It was powerful. I'm determined that I will do this. I've resisted two big urges today. I've got to keep resisting. Im not taking this to the grave.

Sounds powerful.

By visiting your past I hope it will help you to move forward on your journey.

Well done on resisting the urges. Sounds like you've had an emotional day, stay strong and keep resisting.

'From yesterdays pain, we draw tomorrows strengh'.

You can do this!!

Although my current financial predicament is going to be very difficult to overcome I don't feel as gloomy this morning. I'm up for work, tired but not as down. I can feel the weight slowly lifting.

I've a long shift today but looking forward to completing them at the end of the week. There's no chance of a bet over the next few days so I don't have to be anxious about that. One day at a time is something I can live with. Not taking anything for granted. Life is a grind but it could be so much harder if I went back to the hell ive left behind. Have a good day everyone.

Mixed emotions tonight. An half decent day at work with little stress. An argument with a friend over money owing. This would've easily drive me over the edge previously but not today. I'm staying strong. I'm not letting myself down nor the people who have put their faith in me. Time to get some sleep, another early start tomorrow. At the end of the week I'm looking forward and I'm gonna allow myself to watch The Open Golf championship without a bet. I do love my golf. Goodnight.