Dormant

How?

We are kept locked into our addiction by our painful pasts our distressing presents & our bleak outlook for our future.
If we only have one solution to ease our emotional pain then of course we are going to continue to use it.
We need to address our pasts, accept the reality of our present situation & create a future in which we are fulfilled emotionally enough so as to not require addiction to soothe us.
Of course this can be extremely painful & something many of us would rather not face.
Without understanding what fears,resentments, angers & frustrations have driven my emotional compulsive behaviours then how do i go about changing them?

All i can do is point you in the direction where i found answers & peace with myself.
The 12 steps of recovery offered by GA . A blueprint for a better life. It offered me choices, it gave me hope, it healed my relationship with my self.

I have yet to meet anyone who gave GA @ least 90 days who didnt see an improvement in their lives. Those who continue to stay beyond that & commit to the program are hugely successful in moving into a happier future

Sometimes when you are sad a hug can help, sometimes just not enough but worth a try.

Sending a virtual hug from a grumpy miserable old peep.

xxx

Really never know how to say thankyou properly DF, but your a top lady with cumbrian roots too boot.

And Dan, i know your so right, i always have! I know so well my recovery path has to change directions to get where i want too. Yet, my over thinking and joining the dots together is hindering it..... But hai i have hope and slowly believing that i'll go over the right threshold...

Diary...

Coming up to 9 weeks, Yay! My apprehemsion stems from doing 500 plus days previously when i first came to these diarys nearly 5 years ago!

f**k. 5 years and even though getting it more, just can't put a finger on whats missing. Possibly using the wrong hand!!

Switching between denial and anger, but atleast with this latest abstinence is giving me some sort of foundation and a some what dispersing of the dark cloud hovering over me, i'm finally finding faith that i'm atleast back on the same road to recovery rather than on a road to no where.

Strength and honor....

I
started playing 2014 and every month I lost more time and money.Now i have a lot debt and I started stolen money for my family.I feel like nothing...and sometimes i think its been better if i well not wakeup next day...Please tell me where I find help.

Hi V,

Well done on your continued journey to that better place, nothing changes if nothing changes, keep making the right choice my friend, keep winning!

And Elka,
There is help out there, contact GC (you will find their details on the "stickers" in this forum). You're not alone and help is available. Keep reading and posting, many wise words in these pages.

Sandra

Ty Sandra, it's fantastic to witness your better understanding of the shi-te life can throw at you. And Elka, I do hope you hang around and seek the help on offer.

Diary....

A day off today, not a sickie but pre - planned as I seek a solution with the dreaded tax man. Been going on 2 years now and fingers crossed will get some leeway.

A lot of digging and soul searching of late. I can no longer hide behind my addiction's', that deep down I'm a nice guy blighted by addictions. There really is no excuse by my atrocious behaviour to either close friends or family! Right now I don't know how to atone for my behaviour but I'll refuse too you use the excuse that im a poor addict in recovery!

I hovered at the threshold of GA on Thursday, yet never found the courage to step over. Why? Still a fear I think, things I don't want to face but knowingly to move on and reclaim some self respect or esteem has to be fronted.

Looking back, I seem to have been running from something, nearly my entire life. ' why you always running away ' something said to me pre teens and aimed at me in adult hood. Why indeed?? Yet, truthfully I know, something I quite successfully hid with the help of addictions was able to bury from my troubled mind.

Have felt like a sharp end razor in my adult life, if you get close I'll cut you in ribbons. So I know isolation isn't the answer, yet I still hide!! Soo who am I protecting? Me or anyone close, I guess the former.

I switch from being a thoughtful, nice guy to a nasty cowardly P**k. Always have, if I'm honest! I've always lived with guilt from a young age and this is something I strive to get rid off. But I really don't know how, without bringing further pain to people close. A Pandora box, awaiting the seal to be broken. Yet I can't bring myself to break that seal so I know I need to face it and deal with it but without exposing it to others.

I haven't, with which I'm great full for a close extended family. Yet I know that addictions are ripe with cuzzy's/ uncles who no doubt like me are in denial.

A summary...

I've either travelled or ran away my entire life. Having a chip on my shoulder of not actually being from anywhere. My addictive/ compulsive life starting from preteens and running away ever since.

After school I became a bricklayer, not something I'd dreamt about, but something I new could carry me on running. The addictions within me, gambling; drinking, drugs staying very close but switching; so not reliant on a primary. Maybe a blessing.

Age 26, end of my bricklaying days as my drink caught up with me and I ended up under train, minus a right hand. No demand hai for 1 armed bricklayers.

With the help of my now kiwi ex, started rebuilding my life but with my 3 addictions harnessed but very much at the forefront of my life. After 4 years in the work wilderness and studying, moved into management in the same industry.

After a while, despite my addiction's not being addressed. My ill ego started taking over, a house in London and a place in NZ, I viewed my self as the dogs bollxx and even though loving my best friend, I wasn't in love with her. A certain resentment of the perceived life my accident robbed me of! f*****g delusion!!

Anyway after near 17 years together, pushed her away. After all in my warped mind, I finally thought I could achieve anything.

Now I was a free man, time to recapture my perceived lost youth, progressively my life turned onto chaos. I travelled loads but was more running as 1 addiction after the other got on top.

Had healthy bank balance after all the years scrimping and was also good in my new carrear, hence earning well and indestructible.

Started making big plans yet never getting over 1st hurdle. A false dawn after false dawn, this came to its head in July 2010! My rock bottom, was utterly defeated!! The start of my recovery and unbeknown to me the start of my relapse. With the help of this wonderful place/ people started the climb back up.

After a few early relapses, started to build up the days, humility became a part of my make up. Self esteem/ respect started returning but now unbeknown to me, my compulsions switched and I was becoming obsessed with work and my lack of self control started spiralling onto others.

Truthfully never grasped recovery and never faced the underlying issues that led me to the 'comforting' arms of addictions. The Pandora box staying sealed. After 500+ days of abstinence from gambling my upward curve took a dramatic turn, despite no gambling, found my self back to square 1. w*f, I couldn't figure that one out and became resentful with a bubbling anger. Pushed it, surpressed, it but then bang! A cycle of nice guy to c**t (sorry about that word but appropriate for my behaviour )

If I'm honest my glass has always been pretty much half full but with my negative outlook and lack of strength it stays half empty . Will I keep p*s-sing on today as 1 foot stays in the past with the other in the future, only time will tell.....

The chaotic mind of an addict

H
Volcano

A beautifully honest post, well done.
The 12 step recovery program on offer to everyone for free is available within GA. It will gently guide you through opening your pandoras box & how you deal with its contents.

Take a chance walk through the door.

Whats the alternative?

Dan

Hey V,

You just literally shared that sharp blade and pain it brings with us all.
Amazing post, and it felt like looking in the mirror..facing demons is the hardest thing on earth, that's why we keep on running.
I have faced mine, and being dragged up from the gutter by so many people which i would give my life in return, doesn't really solve the problem...i keep running ffs.

Anyway, just really touching post. Strength and honour dear soldier, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Stay safe...make it happen, look ahead..make that change

Sandra x

Sandra and Dan. So many thanks, your replies at the time lifted my spirits and bought a tear to my eyes.

Diary.

Fast forward a couple of hours. Pure devastation and never felt so lost!!! Another dealing with HMRC and afternoon pleading my case. And been told I owe them £24K+ and need to pay by July.

Really I don't know where to turn and what the hell to do. I've payed 4k+ in the last 2 years as well as being payed through an umbrella company where I lose 40 % every f*****g week!!!

I want to scream, I want to escape so much. How the f**k is my head going to handle this. I want to roll into a ball and die. I won't, I'll carry on!! But f**k, will I ever get any respite.

LOST

Paul.

Fella thanks for popping by, glad I raised a smile on your face.

Great post by your good self this morning, good therapy I hope.

Regards the hmrc just play it straight fella, through my own experience it is the way to go, f**k they knew more about my life than I did lol. Bottom line is they can't have what you don't have.

My tax code is again ridiculous this year, but the truth is my friend it is of my own making, I will take it on the chin.

No point in moaning fella nobody gives a f**k, I would just pi##ss myself off.

Keep putting out that trash, peeling those layers, I know there's a top bloke inside.

Maybe you should take a good look inside, there's a voice in there talking sense and with a burning desire to live.

Great to have his presence here.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yep, your right Dunc's!

Was 2 different people writing them posts yesterday, the afternoon post by a pathetic addict anf the former by someone striving for recovery.

There really is no alternative!

Volcano wrote:

Yep, your right Dunc's!

Was 2 different people writing them posts yesterday, the afternoon post by a pathetic addict, whining '' why, poor me '' anf the former by someone striving for recovery.

There really is no alternative!

Volcano wrote:

Yep, your right Dunc's!

Was 2 different people writing them posts yesterday, the afternoon post by a pathetic addict, whining '' why, poor me '' anf the former by someone striving for recovery.

There really is no alternative!

Hi V,

Thank you so much for your lovely post and the term of "being kind to yourself" is a toughie eh?...but it is possible to achieve that, live and learn.

Sorry to hear about the tax issues, but as dear Duncs said, just keep playing the ball, there is a way out.

Stay safe and keep making the right choice

Tigger 🙂

Day 112. .

Hello Diary

The start of the head fog dispersing, albeit very slowly.

Still struggling with the embarrased enter I feel with my ' why, poor me attitude' in real and cyber life.

Feel ready to slowly make amends with my self and then more importantly for me to make amends to the inocent peeps out there ' who dared to care or even like me ' .

Am seeing similarities in my recovery from addictions to the recovery of becoming a amputee. I am well aware, this is only the start and I can't do it alone but great full that some sort of humility is returning.

Am sat in a prophetic hospital at the moment awaiting for my hand MOT. Feeling sad, yet warmed in watching fellow amputees striving on despite there gang green ravaged limbs or badly burned torso's etc, yet summoning a smile on there chops and working there recovery. These visits sure do bring me crashing back to earth and make me very, very great full for what I have.

Time now, to start giving back rather than a life time of taking.

Despite, rarely writing on these diarys. I do follow a few and a eternity of great fulness in past and present gc users.

A genuine strength and honor to all....