Dormant

Because there is an issue/problem there, but hey dear V, maybe you are looking for stuff that isn't there in the first place, just a thought dear V, maybe instead of pointing a finger stick 2 up and say get stuffed, ( ohh naughty of me I know but just a thought) stop digging for maybe stuff that is not there.

You are a lovely man, start embracing yourself with that, backing you all the way ;))

Suzanne xxx

Suzanne, your bang on and it wasn't a question for me☺. Just a question to throw into cyber space...

I do have guilt and it does roll on. But slowly processing it and comes up in step 4 I believe of GA. When I'm ready, I'll make amends with people who I've inadvertently Hurt. .

Its All good apart from what's bad.

Hey V, as I said I like your randem thoughts, I can Relate to them and they make me smile, cos my friend you are doing it and you are getting there, proud to be walking along this bumpy road with you, even if it's in cyber space :)))

xxxx

Suzanne, thanks again. I'm digging ok, and wary! It's maybe of no coincidence that my thoughts are flying after an enjoyable therapy session. They are, light/heavy and good humour thrown in the mix...

And ditto, like you and lots more it's good to walk along together in recovery.

It's about harmony. My random thought for today...

Lol harmony, but I totally refuse to start singing along, :))) (it might break my spotless Windows ohh lol)

Seriously, my thoughts to you, just take it easy, don't look for stuff that is not there, (the addiction would love that one too)

Suzanne xxx

I know my friend:)) and I luv the name jiggy suits you, so on that note I will say OAO for tonight, KOKSAS, jiggy, yes I like that name

Suzanne xxx

Ha!

This is more like what's going through my head - never too late to fight for your life!

https://youtu.be/GP8VU7ofxn8

Thanks for bouncy song V ☺..still rocking! Lol..(not in the corner for a change ☺)

Good luck with the journey volcano, and thanks for kind comments on my thread. Lots of inspirational diaries and i realise ive only posted on one or two here and there, but think someone said post as much or as little as you need to, so ive posted a bit recently but then might go a week and not be on here. Im at start of journey with my one on one therapy also, nd hoping it will help , but agree its going to get lots of emotion coming up to surface and i need to deal with that, so i can relate to your sense of uneasiness if thats the right term.

Oh and on the extreme ironing, how about you just do it on the train sounds extreme to me, or maybe on the platform ... i only mentioned it cos the book still makes me smile , ive never actually took the plunge and done it myself either. If you do go in for all that kind of thing you get to give yourself a great ironing related handle too, like Flex or Steamplate , added attraction. Yours faithfully starched collar...

Hey V, thanks for touching the base again!
What I'm wresting with is a question - "are you in enough pain yet?"...which i can tell I'm not 🙁

It is never too late indeed...raising from ashes is the first step to get bk on recovery road.

Make it or break it..my choice at the end of the day.

You sleep well & peacefully..not sure what your plans are for tomorrow but make it a good day to look back to & every day is good day if we kick addiction in the nuts!!! Bam bam lol

Later you! & keep staying in recovery ☺

Thank you . Come back in your own time. & ty manup, will be coming back at you.

Up early this morning as still trying to reset body clock. Used a coffee meet with best friend to motivate myself. Another interview at 11, trying to keep these interviews as a 2 way affair as I seek my job harmony. But aware the clock is ticking. But seeing things now on the not so distant horizon. Had to escape the London herd and now at safe vantage point watching from the windows.
Note to me - 18 months & im out of the smoke.

Random thought alert.

Alfie, what's it all about -
A. Circles and angles.?
B. Words?
C. Or simply balance?

Now back to my Sun as I wait for herd to quieten down ...

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

A Shaws hank line often used on these diarys, yet so appropiate.

Melancholy is good. Sad is ok..There must be something in the atmosphere.

Saw David Gest going into a casino this morning as I went for interview. It didn't surprise me, I wonder if he was thinking about liza minnelly ? (sp)

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. Epictetus...

I feel now that the first 2 sentences are processed, now i try and educate my self on the 3rd sentance. And i'm doing ok on that.

This year i've attempted to view everything i possibly can with an open mind. A near life time of addicted behaviour sure makes the mind small and delusional when trying to convince oneself that your not judgemental or the reason why someones S****e behaviour is why your wound up. Thats where the mirror comes into it.

I've also learned its ok to be vulnerable, but the key there for me is showing any vulnerabilty in the right environment. As addicts, sometimes a original thought can be a lonely place. I think everybody likes to think they would help the fellow man, but would they? If you saw a drug/ alcholic sprawled on the floor either off there head or even dead, who would honestly cross over and leave that for someone else, i for one probably would.

One of the biggest fights i've had in the past 5years of trying to get a handle on addictions is whether its a mental illness. I really coulnt fathom it and let my conciouus ego tell me '' ofcourse its not, you fool ''. But now i'm over that and its just proof in the pudding when you read these diarys - depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorders, passive agressive etc. So now finally now getting over thaat hurdle, i feel like i can push on.

The honeymoon period of addictions is like the normal honeymoon. To make it work you need to practice at it, that was something i never did in my successful abstinence a few years back.

Support on this forum is 1st class but without upsetting anyone and through my own personal experience 'practice what you preach' is a valuable key and brings you to perception and values, two very important words i've learned these past few months from this forum. The process of recovery can be a daunting for some whe you read your never going to be cured and its more of a key in living withit in harmony. But harmony is amother key word for the process.

Normality is another word what gets banded alot round this forum. But what is normality to a addict riddled brain. To me its always going to be a ongoing process, stepping out of my comfort zone, not hiding like a grey man, trusting i've got something worth while to say, connecting with the world etc.

I've been aware how the mind can be rewired in the wrong way as an adult and that happened when becoming an amputtee, going from ' when one door shuts, another one opens ' to ' when one door shuts, so wheres the f*****g key?' Something came up in my last therapy session about my accident 20 odd years ago, i've on the outside always handed it well and refused to let it beat me. Never did, but there was always a niggle, which i coulnt put my finger on ( a pun there ). This came out of my mouth completely unexpected in last Thursday therapy session, will need to revisit in next session. The only thing i've really known is i got P.issed with 3 other bricklayers on a 10hr train journey and ended up minus a right hand at the end stop.... Obviously i joined my own dots and believe them dots are ok, as just with money lost through gambling, my hand will never grow back, Acceptance! ( key word ). So from that session and the conclusion that particular jigsaw doesnt really matter, it got me to the interesting concept of the inner and outer cycle of anxiety. Even though i'm still intrigued by this concept and how it can work in persnal growth. I was able to make a connection to the GA ' Nothing changes,if nothing chamges ' & Also something like ' dont worry about things you cant chamge' worry about things you can ' ( along them lines ).Also catastrophising!!

I think its so important to understand the meaning rather than read the words, i've been either reading words or looking at words, pretty much my entire life. The language between your brain and mouth is something i'm striving to decipher on a daily basis.....

A new path now for this diary. My thoughts, my words and when i press send they now belong to cyber orbit.

I think living in London has a lot more to do with stepping over addicts than we realise...They are wrapped up in sleeping bags, living on cardboard on many street corners, off their heads begging with a bedraggled looking dog (why are they allowed to keep animals when they can't even look after themselves), signs saying hungry & thirsty but asking for money not a meal or a hot drink! I am stereotyping of course but why shake a sleeping dog or call the emergency services out to get abused or assaulted (they don't have beds to offer, gambling tokens to provide, free alcohol or drugs) & why offer a hot drink if it's going to get smashed out of my hand (it's only happened once & many people are very grateful but as a 14 year old trying to be kind, it was terrifying)? My money is better spent on Shelter & donating to food banks but yes, I would stop to help someone having an obvious medical episode, I think most of us would!

Sandra posted recently about hating traits in others because they are ones that I carry (obliviously) & that was a real eye opener but I guess life can sometimes be like skim reading. Like you, I am trying to really hear the words I listen to, make sense of the words on the page & move forwards to my normality which is something I will be trying to figure out for the rest of my life, just like living in harmony with Mr Gamble!

Progress not perfection - ODAAT

Is snakes and ladders only a board game?

Or is it akin to life?

Depends if your'e a window cleaner or a herpetologist ?