Dormant

Hi Paul

Thanks for the post, always good to hear from you. Touched you were inspired by my post, geninuely I had to wipe away a tear.

I guess there are levels to everything. We never reach a point where we can say everything is OK now. So when I say I am a coward we are probably seeing different things. You see someone being honest and open and I get that in myself but am I being honest and open with the people that really matter? I am not saying you or the people on this forum dont matter but I am avoiding a situation that will eventually blow up in my face and the ones I love. Its easier to spill my guts here then do it in my own living room.

Denial is a strong emotion. Dan asked me what unmanagability is and one of the first things that spring to mind is denial. Living a life of denial is completely exhausting.It will break me eventually.

I really hope you don't pull back from this forum, especially like louis has mentioned without some support channel in place. Happy to swap email/contact. Will email admin.

Rob

Like the juicy line. Very true. I find myself digging for the fallacious juicy jackpot worm only to end up burying my head in the sand. Not surprising really, living in the real world has always been a problem for me. I'm usually well accepted but never feel I belong.

We all do it from time to time but try not to compare yourself to others. At one time I lived near Joe: a kid I went to school with. Me and Joe were in the same classes for the average-at-best kids. Our lives should have been similar - they were not. I could probably of done whatever Joe has to have a nice little house, good job, car on the drive, wife and two children - I didn't.

Always kept his front garden very neat and tidy. Liked that garden.

Instead I was up the road living on the edge in dodgy accommodation with a bunch of rapscallions - I fitted in well.

Joe's house used to talk to me sometimes. Banners would appear: 'Just Married', 'Happy Paper Anniversary', Congratulations on the Birth of Your First Child', 'Best Conifer Pruning 2010'.

I would see Joe's wife and children standing at the door, happily waving Joe off in his smart suit as he got into his new car.

Our lives were more different than they probably should be, but then I never did see Joe in the bookies.

Happy for Joe, just makes me think what could of been.

Who knows what life's like behind closed doors.

Some people settle for just settling and live a miserable life. We don't know, so I try not to worry too much about what others are doing.

When/if you find a place you belong you'll be glad you didn't just settle. Who knows?

Took a step back from GamCare this month. Should be more active next month and decide a way forward the following month. I'm confused myself, expect to be for some time.

Interesting that you ask a friend a question that you answer very well in your own post. Highlights the opening point of the post.

We know ourselves if we could do or need to do more.

Another honest post with a good ending that I think applies to all.

I would leave you with my opinion of you, but I don't think it's necessary.

Blessings

Glint

volcano wrote:

It really shounldnt bother me what others think of me, but i do! A human ailment, i guess for somebody not happy in there own skin. Bearing grudges is also something that shouldn't be part of my makeup and has no benefits but what so ever, but it does.

Witnessing the ego bullying last week comletely bugged me, i guess, as i also got the similar treatment in being referred to Prince Philip and of being a bully. The former amused me and the latter bugged me. Being bullied as a googly speaking kid and knowing i would get a bigger beating if i never fought back a big part of my make up. I guess in my time on this forum, theres always been two camps, the abstainers against the 12 stepper/ therapy types. With the former being the dominant force at the moment and all the rows/ insults alwys stemming from the same ego worshipped leader.... Shame, and sorry addiction and pushing down emotions a sorry excuse

But, then i think, another part of my denial coming out here, manipulation a worse form of bullying, than any physical bullying will ever be. The latter you can fight against, the former being nasty. So with manipulation being part of my make up and realising that, i've also, being part of my addictive makeup and inadvertently playing chess with peoples lives am also guilty of bullying, a hard thing to face and admit too.

I asked a friend about my recovery and whether i came across as aloof. They said if nything, that i wasnt but was guilty of not taking recovery serious and living of others recovery, originally, that got my denials back up....But, now i get it, my ego went off track, with my recovery of earlier in the year. Not, pushing my self hard enough and resting on my laurels..

An element of anger in this post, but slowly dawning on me, thats it the fronts, i'm fighting and not accepting in the environment i'm in at the moment. Completely run down, tired, angry, lonely and all being surpressed with no outlet, hence tis finger tappung post before i enter another day.

I voweed to myself to pull away, the ego and the pack, the winners. But, no winners, just strugglers and holding onto the addictive belief that we're alright. I read a honest, open post in the early hours this morning and i thank that man in his courage, that he had confused with cowardice. Has given me a belief and possibly a further nudge.

Now, to tick another day off and face my world.............

Downloaded and out but not finished...Over..

Mpral,ego and arrogance is something to shed, not to feed. A note to myself, to drop my bravado

Keep up the self reflection V. Its something many choose not to do. All the best. Tri x

you're missed xx

triangle wrote:

you're missed xx

Ditto.

Nice. Thankyou very much

50 days gf.

Very much acceptable of aftermath. Very much acceptable of me. Still very susceptible to my petulance.

Still very ....... if I don't see you later. Good morning, Good afternoon and Good evening as I replicate the freedom of a performing seal in a circus.

volcano!!!!!

Pleased to see a post from you in your unique style. Take it not much has changed.

Still very ....... let me tell you ....... capable of living the life you want - never stop looking for it.

Well done on the 54 days, know - like many - the weekends can be tricky for you, so this is my timely attempt to supportively wish you a good one.

Don't be a stranger.

Hi V great to see get to Hawaii day I was thinking of you the other day when watching the news about the guy with the hand transplants and wondering how you was doing and seeing your post had given me a little lift for today.

KTF

Glint and Martin - Respect and Thankyou.

Update -

Haven't been reading much here lately. In a particular cycle im familiar with, cynism very much part of it. But, hay not much anger, so the volcano remains dormant.

No gambling since Last update, days racking up again. Very close today, so bucking the trend here and a little thankful to a particular diary that's upsetting everyone as made me think thrice and quick about turn after picking out a gee gee..

Finished latest contract, was a decent run. Didn't really get the grey matter going, a bit of a disaster and bizarre but paid the bills and also this time off.

Haven't settled in new area, new contract on horizon for this Monday. Too much of a trek, so possibly on the move again...

Drifting!!

Good to see you back and posting Volcano. I enjoy reading your posts a lot. You're a good member of this forum. Get some sleep tonight and come back again tomorrow.

triangle wrote:

you're missed xx

Welcome back. Keep working those tools V!!

Thank you Volcano. I'm wanting to wallow here in my anger and self pity and you made me smile..

Hi Volcano,

I appreciate your thoughts. I don't practice my best every day either. That's setting the bar pretty high there. Then again, why not? Set the bar high I mean. I just pictured Bruce Jenner when he was still Bruce.. Making that perfect arch over the bar. Lots of practice makes perfect. At least when it comes to pole vaulting...

Aha, a most welcome return.

Thank you for your post. My last post remains an accurate update of my current situation.

Been reading through your diary:

[quote=volcano]

">It's NO coincidence that those who are successful CONTINUE to use the support they have here,

An excerpt from one of your posts. Well worth reading the whole post: #498, page 10 for those interested.

Point is that you have a lot of support here. Please use it if it helps.

Of course selfishly, I like your posts.

Keep racking up those days volcano!

All the best with the contract on Monday, wishing it's joined on the horizon by some positive changes for you.

Don't know what happened to the rest of my post. Made a right mess of that. Apologies, this post was supposed to seamlessly follow the quote which I wanted in one of those flashy grey quotation boxes.

Anyway, the above is an excerpt from post #498, page 10 of your diary. Well worth reading the whole post - check it out.

Point is: you have lots of support here. Please use it if it helps.

Of course selfishly, I like your posts.

Keep racking up those days volcano!

All the best with the contract on Monday, wishing it's joined on the horizon by some positive changes for you.