Dormant

More randomness with the time I presently have on my hands.

I think I’ve answered my own question with regards to a relationship, anything worth having requires work and that includes recovery and guess in a fashion that it does make things harder when they go hand in hand. So, again I applaud anyone who tackles addiction as a couple as I do believe it’s easier to tackle by ones self and having only to deal with one set of emotions.

As with the work conundrum, I can hardly understand myself so how I try to understand someone who is out of his depth is pretty insane from myself, so another conundrum half answered.

Now a random of tangent that’s been interesting and playing on my mind. Early in the year I’ve been participating in a study with regards to plasticity of the mind and how people differ in phantom limbs and dealing with amputation. I wasn’t able to see out the study due to not being able to undertake MRI scanning due to childhood accident and a pellet wedged behind eye. Maybe some wonder how this has anything to do with addiction but shoot I think it has loads to go with dealing with ‘ urges ‘ , my subconscious still sees gambling as a reward, an enjoyment, yet doesn’t consist of a stop button. Whether it to be gambling, drinking or smoking I can feel the urge, yet my will ( plasticity) has a default and gives in, yet on the other hand is very adept in dealing with the phantom limb. Bizarre and understanding is the quest I’m on and the elixir I seek.

Disclaimer- Random irrelevant thoughts

Reasons to be cheerful part 37,

Sat alone in a quiet park with birds as company and whirling helicopters under a Armageddon type quiet aftermath sky.Having the freedom of thought and being able to get lost but with the knowledge that I’ll find my way out from whether I go. re(dis)covery and the trip it takes me on, knowing that I’ve touched the line of madness, yet able to come back into the fold. My strength of character and the people I’ve met on this trip. Delving around my mind and unlocking surpressed memory’s, sounds mad and yet true. Rediscovering a resilience and bouncing back from years being trapped in addiction. Forgiving myself for being human and the mistakes I’ve made to get to this present place in my head. A calmness and unflappable nature, despite sometimes dipping my toes into the madness of anger, something that happens only rarely. Being able to communicate and live through the feelings of social anxiety. Being able to breathe and look at myself in the mirror in the knowledge that I’ve tried my best and that my best is ok. Finally appreciating the things I’ve seen and the experiences I’ve had. Being fortunate for the upbringing I have had and the genetics passed down, being a worthy recipient of the genes bestowed upon me. And most importantly understanding I’m not unique and allowed to make mistakes

Reasons not to be cheerful part 127, having a sh...ite footy team.

The former wins

volcano wrote:

As with the work conundrum, I can hardly understand myself so how I try to understand someone who is out of his depth is pretty insane from myself, so another conundrum half answered.

Yo V, I think that’s akin to trying to ‘fix’ everyone else’s problems rather than facing up to our own!

Your return to addiction’s arms is what it is, you can’t change it so as you are doing, learn from it & march boldly on my friend!

Thanks Kelly,

Your half right there. And this part of my psyche, I’m delving into. I, on a whole have dealt with this dilemma quite professionally and pretty much the go to man on this particular project. I was asked by a director over a drink in how he was getting on, and rather tell him how it was I put a positive spin on things and said he was doing ok. I did bring this up in a therapy session and was asked why I did this and I still don’t have that answer. It seems something that I’ve always done, even when I’ve had good reason to be peeved with a wrong doing, with which I should be justifiably peeved off with, I’ve always put out there the positive spin and made out everything is ok. I’ve found a lot of maturity in the last few years and know I’m quite a valued friend/ colleague but for the life of me I don’t know why I defend the undefendable. Part of the reasoning is that I got this particular chap a job, despite not knowing him and realising he is quite an odious blagger and I feel partly responsible. My present contract is quite disastrous and being made harder by his incompetence, yet rather than flag it up, I just have more put on me. I’m hoping that this time off will recharge the battery’s and help me in dealing with this dilemma which I mistakenly put on my plate . Confused. But thanks for dropping by and ad my favourite footy team would say ‘ marching on together ‘

And any spin on it would be greatly appreciated

It’s not the right time to have the thoughts of work and a colleague, so begone them thoughts.

Read an article regarding brain hacking and how to deal with irrational thoughts. When we have these worries, fear etc, we then tend to think of big bad monsters in our lives. From that the irrational enters our minds as we have mind rushes of fear, scared of mistakes and bad choices. From that we make the monster bigger and scarier and then start cowering in the corner. So the moral is that rather than try to halt them thoughts but to own them and imagine that there being said by a really annoying character/ voice. It made me think of my old sister in law and her screechy voice and how I use to wish for a mute button.

The moral here is I’m trying to take my mind of smoking

Random thought alert on reasons to be cheerful.

Was watching a program on elephant riding and how they take the young away from there family and break there spirit to teach them to carry people. Think it’s pretty similar to what addiction does to us, breaks our spirit and makes us into zombies, that’s probably why after the honeymoon of abstaining, the emotions can be overwhelming when we slowly turn full circle and start seeing ourselves for who we really are.... and the reawakening of our spirit

Random thought disclaimer

No coincidences in life.

There’s no coincidence that I’m using this forum again as I go through a lot of uncomfortable emotions/ worries/ thoughts and denying myself a vulnerability and using bravado as a mask. To much time in my own head and a little cabin fever, it’s quite a beach that I can’t use this time to just chill, it’s a beach that work is one of many mistresses, and gambling is something I use to cheat on the mistress with.

Feeling sad this morning, flutter flies flapping away with no where to go. It will pass, it’s being human and despite sometimes thinking I’m from another planet but I’m not and very human.

It is how it is and will pass

Starting to understand more about my psyche and what’s being going on for past 6-8 months, have had quite an extreme fight or flight thoughts through many angles.

People use this forums in different ways, for me I tend to look for a nudge, trying to decipher some cryptic thoughts. A little light bulb moment with regards to my work saga, I do rightfully feel aggrieved,I feel let down and have let my thoughts known, now I need to escalate and admit that I messed up with my recommendation and that by trying to carry someone, is detrimental to what I have to offer. But with the bigger picture, it reinforces in me that I need more work in connecting with what’s important to me and the values I want to live by. This also goes with the relationship I’ve fiynd myself in, very fond but I do struggle the commitment side. Need to communicate my thoughts better, and not just tell someone what they want to hear. I need to put myself first, not in a selfish way but in a way that it filter down to all concerned.

We all need an aim, addiction keeps our head in the sand, every now and then I manage to dig my head out and have a look a round and then breathe, yet possibly when I do, I think hai presto, everything is good and then progressively put it back as I think I’m fixed and the polished article. I do possess a lot of quality’s and far from blowing ones own trumpet, I know I can bring joy and be a decent chap, and that I use addiction as a crux when I go off tangent with regards to my values.

Rambling on, but a little more self awareness and a need to man up and deal with a few issues. Thinking is cool, yet thinking and actions are better

Hey Paul,

Reading and nodding in the affirmative. I use my diary as a place to dump my thoughts good bad and ugly. i have often thought of this forum for addicts recovering rediscovering and otherwise as a house of mirrors. The people who have taught me the most about myself were not necessarily like minded. On the contrary. Anyway I have seen you make great strides in your rediscovery and I'm proud to walk the path beside you. Some days bantering as we go along. Other days in silence. But, I'm always reading and always supporting you.

That’s nice Joan and means a lot. We are all definitely on a trip of sorts and of no coincidence in the people we meet enroute, whether that be 3d or cyber. Do think timing has a lot do with things, being in the right/ wrong place at the right/ wrong time.

Last day under the glorious sunshine in Hungary. Greatful forcthe time to figure out a few things in my head. Work a smoke screen on something’s I need to face up to. An appropriate cliche - there are no mistakes, only lessons.

Back to work Friday, a spring back, now to kick on and back doing the things what was working for me.

Last day of football season and picked out all the correct results, go me ! Rather the fool and deluded addictive thoughts enticing me back in for a flutter, hence this post !

No gambling for nigh on 6 weeks, life fairly chaotic with work and relationships, with which the latter coming to an end, now looking at the former come to an end and to face new challenges. Has been a challenging year so far, I’ve grown despite the many thoughts of flight, yet, have dug deep and inched forward when struggling.

Have through others seen many a trait of myself that needs working on that I don’t like. Wow, sometimes that’s hard to face as it’s a lot easier to pick fault in others than face your own.

Was and still am a little sad in the break up of a relationship with someone I was/ am fond of, but realising new relationships and rediscovery not a winning combination, so will continue to look for love within myself before I look external.

Debts slowly going in the right direction, nearly wrote something different there and noticed the flip in my thoughts, yay progress.

Feel fairly sad today, that feeling will go !

We are all one

What's right maybe wrong or simply a folly

Volcanoe's subdued, feels melancholy

Passion has floundered, alone in his socks

He ponders his fate as the clock ticks and tocks

I heard the line that life sometimes can be like swimming through treacle and that’s exactly how I feel at the moment, albeit with my head underneath.

I hear the cliche that life is as easy or as hard as you make it and my learnt tendencies seem to go with the latter. Yet, I will keep persevering in seeking life in what ever terms and with what ever it throws up without running towards the comforting arms of the bookies.

Things have been very extreme this past year on many levels, yet in typing that there is also many things I should be greatful for, yet focusing on the sh..ite rather than the good seems easier or atleast what I’m wired for.

I do feel completely lost, but I still have my soul and fully intend to get in sync with it.

Hurting, confused, sad and angry the present state of being

A few random thoughts, but not fuelled by yet another gambling binge, a couple of months since my last foray into that dark deep hole.

Sat in a park in Hungary, a beer on the table and watching the rain fall as I whittle away some thoughts. Autumn arriving as the last few hours of summer linger on. Thinking this new season is the season of change, where suddenly every thing is different. I wish change in oneself came as easy as the seasons. I did read that change is one of the most fundamental mistakes we make that our lives is difficult to change ! Yet it is when we’ve meandered down the same trodden path that addiction has led us down. It becomes a norm, albeit a self harming norm ! Change of late has deserted me, I seem to be back to the worried anxious man and avoiding life in general. Hence, even with some months of abstaining behind me, I find myself back isolating from life and friends. So the lesson I’m trying to reteach my self here by a meander back on this diary is that seasons change, the leaves don’t try and hold onto the tree and that I also need to stop this quite absorbing negative belief in myself that takes a lot of effort and a need to go back and use that effort in getting back on the path of self awareness and looking after myself.

We are all one

Completely hammering it down at the moment, thankfully it’s the rain and not my head. I do love it, sat on a porch and just watching and thinking.

Read this yesterday -

‘ The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection. ‘

Found it fairly powerful and so very true. Connection can mean on many levels, whether it’s reconnecting with family/ friends, values, emotions, society etc or a combination I giess

Thinking this is where I went of track again and the fork of the path where I seem to take that wrong turning after a length of abstaining. Hear on here and also experienced my self th thoughts of ‘ Is this it ? ‘ after months/ years of abstaining. It’s just dawning on me that’s the time when to the make the next step rather than rest on your laurels of abstaining ie become more aware of ones self, push on to finds ones personal legend and to start living life on life’s terms and understanding that just like the Sun, life can also go up and down.

Anyway, realising now that I needed this break, another 5 days in either enjoying this tranquility whether it to be raining or glorious sunshine. Has given me time to appreciate things again, the strides I’ve made. I’m far from a blue print of rediscovery in my frequent falls, but I eventually get back up and put my reverse gear into forward.

Things to focus on - New contract and to pat my self on the back in seeing through the last one after many jumping ship.

The end of a curse from the tax man of an unexpected 25k bill that completely knocked me for 6 with only 2 more payments, go me.

Nearing the end of a 4 year plan in the little flat I bought and moving on from the area that I’ve never been able to warm to.

Focusing on a new venture and possibly new geographical adventures.

And back via meetings and myself, more self awareness and finding my personal legend.

A ramble listening to the rain