Hi dervkidd.

Just wanted to say a huge congratulations on reaching your 100 days of abstinence.

Take care and remain strong.

Our Lady

Thanks,

Had one of those moments yesterday, bang! it just dawned on me whilst out that I could potentially Gamble...A recipe for disaster! Don't know why I have these feelings of well being? It's ridiculous? I felt the chemical reaction throughout my whole body...It was an overwhelming sensation...At a time of new beginnings, I get that feeling...I know I feel a little stressed lately because last week I did 3 Twelve hr nights shifts and it has messed up my sleep pattern...Comments welcome..

Hi dervkidd,

well done on your 100 days gf. I would agree, lack of sleep and rest can be quite dangerous in terms of looking for comfort, and gambling can be percieved as 'comfort' of sorts.

Also, sometimes doing well, feeling good, feeling happy can be quite a strange feeling if you are used to the constant lows and stress of being in the midst of an active gambling problem. This weirdly can trigger a self-sabotage reaction. 'I am not used to feeling this good and content, this is really odd, let's go and change it'. It is good that you are reflecting on this and trying to find answers. It also looks like your recovery is working and is solidifying. Instead of giving into some really strong urges, you come on here to explore. Really well done. Keep going, you are on the right track.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thank you Eva,

I do feel better about myself. On the other hand, I still have to put up with the stresses and strains of life and the unknown. It is odd that feeling good is sometimes not the right thing to feel because we are hardwired to be so negative.

Nearly everything we are exposed to is negative...Maybe if we look at the situation again we can make it positive....After all it's our personal thoughts, feelings and senses that decide whether we feel good or bad about a situation.

In the past I lost hell of a lot of money and I'm not going to do that again-- whilst I realise something; our losses happen every minute of the day to someone else that is being sucked into a vacuum driven by a series of events that lead up to it.

You have a choice, carry all the problems in the world on your shoulders or simply let all of them go and live now, today in the moment...

Cash can be so awkward at times...

In such a short space of time you can acheive quite a lot...Especially without gambling, life goes on...

Morning Dervkidd, just wanted to say well done on your hundred days, been reading your diary. Keep going, your life seems to be improving. Best wishes.

Thanks Rhoda,

Everyday is a struggle...I can see myself further down the road, still wondering what life will throw at me... I am so cautious about people and things. There is so much distrust these days and I am begining to think that no one believes anything that anyone says anymore. It can be from a simple handshake to outright rudeness and contempt...Why are we so worried?

The thing is- about having a gamble; you can put all your 'trust, guilt and worry' into a bet and feel the heavy burden being lifted away from you, and if you are lucky enough it maybe come back with extra weight...Or you could just throw that weight off and feed it more as it all ebbs away...What you are left with is- nothing...Happy? <if you happen to be like me you will know what I mean>

The game can twist your mind into believing that it is better to have all, or nothing...The latter is always the final result...

Then there is life....You can lead a full life or an empty one....Not many people lead a full life...I want to lead a full one, I hate the feeling of being trapped... Gambling is a catch 22. It promises to free you but you always end up bound by its chains...What a wicked system. So sad...

Hiya Dervkidd, your post made me think, put 'all your trust....into a bet'....we do, don't we, and how foolish is that? GA encourages us to trust in a Higher Power, whatever we understand that to be, the Power of the Room, a belief in what is Right, a belief in a God of our understanding....but something beyond ourselves. What makes a life full or empty? I have my own ideas, but would be interested to hear yours. Best wishes.

Hi Rhoda,

Thanks again and I will try my best to answer your question over the next few days, as I ponder over life.

Can an ex gambler honestly say they can deal with life and the emotional turmoil that we have to contemplate?

A person that has their health has everything they need...

The thing that eventually cuts you into pieces is realising that we all age and die off.

I personally feel the pain burning inside as I try to cope with the days gone by without the ability to freeze the good times we had.

As I have grown wiser I realise that everyday we spend on this planet is a gift. Take life as a token that we 'spend'. Not money, property, clothes, jewellry and anything else that issupposedly of value.

It really and truly is the simple things that brings joy. Priceless moments spent with family members sharing time.

. Whichever way we look at the moments we had, we know that we have to soldier on into our destiny...

The future is clouded, isn't it?..

...Gamblers only think about the moment and totally forget about everything around them; the need to eat, sleep etc ..... They become immersed in a false sense of security... That is leading a closed life, with the hope that one day you will srtike it big and lead a full life...The problem with that is you waste the precious time...End up with nothing except bitterness, regret and guilt...

Isn't it strange that I am the writer talking as if I have the answers? I don't...

Do I really understand a gambler? Or am I just a gambler?

Who is the professional here?

Is there a magic pill I can take and wake up to get myself back to what I think is normal?

Why did I continue all those years...People told me to stop and I never listened!

So many questions, the thing is..

There is no right answer...Just my version...

Hiya

Good few posts there.

An ex_gambler absolutely can learn to life with life and it's emotional rollercoaster.

Once we stop avoiding and stare down our fears, those big scary monsters become more like paper tigers.

When you say there is so much distrust these days, is that reality or you getting what you give? Just a thought.

Louis

Hi,

That is a good question... I suppose what I put in- is, what I get out...

However, the clouded judgement and breakdown of communication seems to always favour others...It is this type of thing that drives people to take risks with their health..I.e addictions...

Rhoda previously asked me to explain what my idea of a full life is...

I know what a full life is...

But my idea of a full life probably isn't yours and I would by lying to myself if I told you what it should be. That is probably the problem we are all trying to solve? I don't know...

A relative of mine recently passed at the age of 93 and I know for sure she lead a full life. It was a life that had education, exercise and a reasonable diet...I guess that is certainly the reason she survived in good health for so long. The other point is she was lets say 'comfortable'...That to me is how a full life should be lead...

My version of a full life is messy....

I struggle with this, but I am on the right track and I kick myself because up until now I have been so irresponsible with everything, driving my wellbeing to the ground, being poor is something that you are born with I suppose and the way I see money is just like a million other poor people...To have! To spend erratically until I have none left and remain poor again...

Education can get you out of the 'gutter' It doesn't have to be University it could be understanding why you came from poverty, then doing something about it.

..Promise yourself that your family for generations to come wont suffer the hardship you had to go through throughout your childhood

...My children know nothing of how difficult it used to be when I was a child, having no food in cupboards. Going to School late every Monday because my mother had to go to the Post Office to pick up her Single parent benefits so we could eat breakfast that morning..Having to go to School with a plastic bag instead of a Rucksack...

I guess the embarrasment of it all you carry it with you to your adulthood? I don't know...

I guess I sound like a person that begs for sympathy? Sometimes I think I act that way too...The thing is I disregard help sometimes and mistake it for other's weakness...Just the same way when I do a good deed I get nothing in return...

On a lighter note...I am 120 days without a gamble...Still have a lot going on in my life now and in the near future...But I musn't lose track on my progress that I have built up away from gambling...

I hope everyone is enjoying Easter..

It is now one hundred years since drugs were first banned — and all through this long century of waging war on drugs, we have been told a story about addiction by our teachers and by our governments. This story is so deeply ingrained in our minds that we take it for granted. It seems obvious. It seems manifestly true. Until I set off three and a half years ago on a 30,000-mile journey for my new book, http://www.chasingthescream.com"} }" data-beacon-parsed="true" href="http://www.chasingthescream.com" target="_hplink">Chasing The Scream: The First And Last Days of the War on Drugs, to figure out what is really driving the drug war, I believed it too. But what I learned on the road is that almost everything we have been told about addiction is wrong — and there is a very different story waiting for us, if only we are ready to hear it.

If we truly absorb this new story, we will have to change a lot more than the drug war. We will have to change ourselves.

I learned it from an extraordinary mixture of people I met on my travels. From the surviving friends of Billie Holiday, who helped me to learn how the founder of the war on drugs stalked and helped to kill her. From a Jewish doctor who was smuggled out of the Budapest ghetto as a baby, only to unlock the secrets of addiction as a grown man. From a transsexual crack dealer in Brooklyn who was conceived when his mother, a crack-addict, was raped by his father, an NYPD officer. From a man who was kept at the bottom of a well for two years by a torturing dictatorship, only to emerge to be elected President of Uruguay and to begin the last days of the war on drugs.

I had a quite personal reason to set out for these answers. One of my earliest memories as a kid is trying to wake up one of my relatives, and not being able to. Ever since then, I have been turning over the essential mystery of addiction in my mind — what causes some people to become fixated on a drug or a behavior until they can’t stop? How do we help those people to come back to us? As I got older, another of my close relatives developed a C*****e addiction, and I fell into a relationship with a heroin addict. I guess addiction felt like home to me.

If you had asked me what causes drug addiction at the start, I would have looked at you as if you were an idiot, and said: “Drugs. Duh.” It’s not difficult to ***. I thought I had seen it in my own life. We can all explain it. Imagine if you and I and the next twenty people to pass us on the street take a really potent drug for twenty days. There are strong chemical hooks in these drugs, so if we stopped on day twenty-one, our bodies would need the chemical. We would have a ferocious craving. We would be addicted. That’s what addiction means.

One of the ways this theory was first established is through rat experiments — ones that were injected into the American psyche in the 1980s, in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kS72J5Nlm8"} }" data-beacon-parsed="true" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kS72J5Nlm8" target="_hplink">a famous advert by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. You may remember it. The experiment is simple. Put a rat in a cage, alone, with two water bottles. One is just water. The other is water laced with heroin or C*****e. Almost every time you run this experiment, the rat will become obsessed with the drugged water, and keep coming back for more and more, until it kills itself.

The advert explains: “Only one drug is so addictive, nine out of ten laboratory rats will use it. And use it. And use it. Until dead. It’s called C*****e. And it can do the same thing to you.”

But in the 1970s, a professor of Psychology in Vancouver called http://www.brucekalexander.com/articles-speeches/277-rise-and-fall-of-the-official-view-of-addiction-6"} }" data-beacon-parsed="true" href="http://www.brucekalexander.com/articles-speeches/277-rise-and-fall-of-the-official-view-of-addiction-6" target="_hplink">Bruce Alexander noticed something odd about this experiment. The rat is put in the cage all alone. It has nothing to do but take the drugs. What would happen, he wondered, if we tried this differently? So Professor Alexander built Rat Park. It is a lush cage where the rats would have colored balls and the best rat-food and tunnels to scamper down and plenty of friends: everything a rat about town could want. What, Alexander wanted to know, will happen then?

In Rat Park, all the rats obviously tried both water bottles, because they didn’t know what was in them. But what happened next was startling.

The rats with good lives didn’t like the drugged water. They mostly shunned it, consuming less than a quarter of the drugs the isolated rats used. None of them died. While all the rats who were alone and unhappy became heavy users, none of the rats who had a happy environment did.

At first, I thought this was merely a quirk of rats, until I discovered that there was — at the same time as the Rat Park experiment — a helpful human equivalent taking place. It was called the Vietnam War. Time magazine reported using heroin was “as common as chewing gum” among U.S. soldiers, and there is solid evidence to back this up: some 20 percent of U.S. soldiers had become addicted to heroin there, according to a study published in the Archives of General Psychiatry. Many people were understandably terrified; they believed a huge number of addicts were about to head home when the war ended.

But in fact some 95 percent of the addicted soldiers — according to the same study — simply stopped. Very few had rehab. They shifted from a terrifying cage back to a pleasant one, so didn’t want the drug any more.

Professor Alexander argues this discovery is a profound challenge both to the right-wing view that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much hedonistic partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain. In fact, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. It’s not you. It’s your cage.

After the first phase of Rat Park, Professor Alexander then took this test further. He reran the early experiments, where the rats were left alone, and became compulsive users of the drug. He let them use for fifty-seven days — if anything can hook you, it’s that. Then he took them out of isolation, and placed them in Rat Park. He wanted to know, if you fall into that state of addiction, is your brain hijacked, so you can’t recover? Do the drugs take you over? What happened is — again — striking. The rats seemed to have a few twitches of withdrawal, but they soon stopped their heavy use, and went back to having a normal life. The good cage saved them. (The full references to all the studies I am discussing are in http://www.chasingthescream.com"} }" data-beacon-parsed="true" href="http://www.chasingthescream.com" target="_hplink">the book.)

When I first learned about this, I was puzzled. How can this be? This new theory is such a radical assault on what we have been told that it felt like it could not be true. But the more scien tists I interviewed, and the more I looked at their studies, the more I discovered things that don’t seem to make sense — unless you take account of this new approach.

Here’s one example of an experiment that is happening all around you, and may well happen to you one day. If you get run over today and you break your hip, you will probably be given diamorphine, the medical name for heroin. In the hospital around you, there will be plenty of people also given heroin for long periods, for pain relief. The heroin you will get from the doctor will have a much higher purity and potency than the heroin being used by street-addicts, who have to buy from criminals who adulterate it. So if the old theory of addiction is right — it’s the drugs that cause it; they make your body need them — then it’s obvious what should happen. Loads of people should leave the hospital and try to score smack on the streets to meet their habit.

But here’s the strange thing: It virtually never happens. As http://drgabormate.com/"} }" data-beacon-parsed="true" href="http://drgabormate.com/" target="_hplink">the Canadian doctor Gabor Mate was the first to explain to me, medical users just stop, despite months of use. The same drug, used for the same length of time, turns street-users into desperate addicts and leaves medical patients unaffected.

If you still believe — as I used to — that addiction is caused by chemical hooks, this makes no sense. But if you believe Bruce Alexander’s theory, the picture falls into place. The street-addict is like the rats in the first cage, isolated, alone, with only one source of solace to turn to. The medical patient is like the rats in the second cage. She is going home to a life where she is surrounded by the people she loves. The drug is the same, but the environment is different.

This gives us an insight that goes much deeper than the need to understand addicts. Professor Peter Cohen argues that human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. It’s how we get our satisfaction. If we can’t connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find — the whirr of a roulette wheel or the P***k of a syringe. He says we should stop talking about ‘addiction’ altogether, and instead call it ‘bonding.’ A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn’t bond as fully with anything else.

So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.

When I learned all this, I found it slowly persuading me, but I still couldn’t shake off a nagging doubt. Are these scientists saying chemical hooks make no difference? It was explained to me — you can become addicted to gambling, and nobody thinks you inject a pack of cards into your veins. You can have all the addiction, and none of the chemical hooks. I went to a Gamblers’ Anonymous meeting in Las Vegas (with the permission of everyone present, who knew I was there to observe) and they were as plainly addicted as the C*****e and heroin addicts I have known in my life. Yet there are no chemical hooks on a craps table.

But still, surely, I asked, there is some role for the chemicals? It turns out there is an experiment which gives us the answer to this in quite precise terms, which I learned about in Richard DeGrandpre’s book The Cult of Pharmacology.

Everyone agrees cigarette smoking is one of the most addictive processes around. The chemical hooks in tobacco come from a drug inside it called nicotine. So when nicotine patches were developed in the early 1990s, there was a huge surge of optimism — cigarette smokers could get all of their chemical hooks, without the other filthy (and deadly) effects of cigarette smoking. They would be freed.

But the Office of the Surgeon General has found that just 17.7 percent of cigarette smokers are able to stop using nicotine patches. That’s not nothing. If the chemicals drive 17.7 percent of addiction, as this shows, that’s still millions of lives ruined globally. But what it reveals again is that the story we have been taught about The Cause of Addiction lying with chemical hooks is, in fact, real, but only a minor part of a much bigger picture.

This has huge implications for the one-hundred-year-old war on drugs. This massive war — which, as I saw, kills people from the malls of Mexico to the streets of Liverpool — is based on the claim that we need to physically eradicate a whole array of chemicals because they hijack people’s brains and cause addiction. But if drugs aren’t the driver of addiction — if, in fact, it is disconnection that drives addiction — then this makes no sense.

Ironically, the war on drugs actually increases all those larger drivers of addiction. For example, I went to a prison in Arizona — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs6hUUL-5DM"} }" data-beacon-parsed="true" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs6hUUL-5DM" target="_hplink">‘Tent City’ — where inmates are detained in tiny stone isolation cages (‘The Hole’) for weeks and weeks on end to punish them for drug use. It is as close to a human recreation of the cages that guaranteed deadly addiction in rats as I can imagine. And when those prisoners get out, they will be unemployable because of their criminal record — guaranteeing they with be cut off even more. I watched this playing out in the human stories I met across the world.

There is an alternative. You can build a system that is designed to help drug addicts to reconnect with the world — and so leave behind their addictions.

This isn’t theoretical. It is happening. I have seen it. Nearly fifteen years ago, Portugal had one of the worst drug problems in Europe, with 1 percent of the population addicted to heroin. They had tried a drug war, and the problem just kept getting worse. So they decided to do something radically different. They resolved to decriminalize all drugs, and transfer all the money they used to spend on arresting and jailing drug addicts, and spend it instead on reconnecting them — to their own feelings, and to the wider society. The most crucial step is to get them secure housing, and subsidized jobs so they have a purpose in life, and something to get out of bed for. I watched as they are helped, in warm and welcoming clinics, to learn how to reconnect with their feelings, after years of trauma and stunning them into silence with drugs.

One example I learned about was a group of addicts who were given a loan to set up a removals firm. Suddenly, they were a group, all bonded to each other, and to the society, and responsible for each other’s care.

The results of all this are now in. An independent study by the British Journal of Criminology found that since total decriminalization, addiction has fallen, and injecting drug use is down by 50 percent. I’ll repeat that: injecting drug use is down by 50 percent. Decriminalization has been such a manifest success that very few people in Portugal want to go back to the old system. The main campaigner against the decriminalization back in 2000 was Joao Figueira, the country’s top drug cop. He offered all the dire warnings that we would expect from the Daily Mail or Fox News. But when we sat together in Lisbon, he told me that everything he predicted had not come to pass — and he now hopes the whole world will follow Portugal’s example.

This isn’t only relevant to the addicts I love. It is relevant to all of us, because it forces us to think differently about ourselves. Human beings are bonding animals. We need to connect and love. The wisest sentence of the twentieth century was E.M. Forster’s — “only connect.” But we have created an environment and a culture that cut us off from connection, or offer only the parody of it offered by the Internet. The rise of addiction is a symptom of a deeper sickness in the way we live — constantly directing our gaze towards the next shiny object we should buy, rather than the human beings all around us.

The writer George Monbiot has called this http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/14/age-of-loneliness-killing-us"} }" data-beacon-parsed="true" href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/14/age-of-loneliness-killing-us" target="_hplink">“the age of loneliness.” We have created human societies where it is easier for people to become cut off from all human connections than ever before. Bruce Alexander — the creator of Rat Park — told me that for too long, we have talked exclusively about individual recovery from addiction. We need now to talk about social recovery — how we all recover, together, from the sickness of isolation that is sinking on us like a thick fog.

But this new evidence isn’t just a challenge to us politically. It doesn’t just force us to change our minds. It forces us to change our hearts.

Loving an addict is really hard. When I looked at the addicts I love, it was always tempting to follow the tough love advice doled out by reality shows like Intervention — tell the addict to shape up, or cut them off. Their message is that an addict who won’t stop should be shunned. It’s the logic of the drug war, imported into our private lives. But in fact, I learned, that will only deepen their addiction — and you may lose them altogether. I came home determined to tie the addicts in my life closer to me than ever — to let them know I love them unconditionally, whether they stop, or whether they can’t.

When I returned from my long journey, I looked at my ex-boyfriend, in withdrawal, trembling on my spare bed, and I thought about him differently. For a century now, we have been singing war songs about addicts. It occurred to me as I wiped his brow, we should have been singing love songs to them all along.

Now I know why I worried about not having support from others whilst stopping gambling. The truth is unhappines from the environment causes us to be addicted. On the other hand, innocent people have been duped into a different world when overcome by initial flutters which inevitably draws them deeper and deeper into a very different place.

I was going to write a really good idea down on this diary the other day...You know what? I have forgotten what it was...Oh well, 131 days and I must admit I have een thinking lately about all the what ifs, what if I was rich ..bla bla bla....I guess the depression has lifted because I am now thinking along the lines of greed! ...131 is great, I must hold on to the thought of the hell that gambling causes and my destructive nature....I'm always searching for a way out, that release...Don't know why I do this?