Ex girlfriend of cg - staying single

Hi There :)).

I've been told by many of the wives and partners of Cg's o here that when you first become aware of the addiction problem's of you Other half it's like being cheated on behind your back ? . Unfortunately I'm a Compulsive gambler myself so I can't really say I've experienced that side of thing's but am fully aware of the hurt and anger it causes and indeed , what I caused .

We all have fears on here ours is not being able to function without the crutch of gambling in our lives and I guess for you it's the fear of being alone after a lifetime of alway's having someone there , that being said you can't have a normal relationship with someone who's still deep in addiction and the denial that accompanies it , trust me when I say that unless he chooses to change nothing you do or say will make him snap out of it and unfortunately unless that happen's and there is someway back you really need to move forward at a pace that suit's you and for however long that takes .

We all " Drop people " in our lives as our circumstances change from year to year and nothing ever remains the same , I'm sure some of those you left behind in favour of your partner would be glad to hear from you maybe even just for a " Catch up " and those that don't , well don't lose sleep over it ! , So maybe make the first move and send some txts out or emails and see what happens , everything to gain and nothing really to lose . I went through a messy divorce about 10 yrs ago at the age of 46 and was left to bring up my son alone who was 13 at the time and it felt like my whole life had just ended and like yourself I'd dropped people during the course of my marriage , obviously a lot of them were still in relationships an d happily married so it was a bit of an intrusion in their life to allow me back in their circle which is understandable but some were more than happy to pick up from where we left off and through some of them I met others and through those met my partner , life doesn't end it just changes and at first that's not alway's better but give it time and thing's have a way of improving . 23 day's is not long in our life cycle to expect massive changes for the good but you couldn't go on living the way you have as it would have eventually destroyed you , just give it some time for thing's to settle and try and just get on with life and doing something different however small :)) .

If yoiur feeling unhappy that's one thing but if you feel truly depressed then why not make an appointment with your doctor and talk thing's over , if medication is not something you want you can just say no but they may take the edge off until your feeling more able to cope .

And in answer to your question , " Of course it's ok to have arecovery diary on here " , your recovering jsu as much as thje CG's like myself on here and I often spend time on the f and f section as I find it's good and honest for me to see both sides.

Had bit of a" Ramble " there sorry :))

I hope you feel a bit better soon and all the best for now ..

Thank you for your reply Alan, you are right it hasn't been long, to me it seems like forever! My ex asked me not to tell family and friends we are over, just to say we are on a break. I went along with this thinking he would take some action to put things right. Instead I have been met with a wall of silence. I want to move on as like you say I cannot have a relationship with someone who will destroy me with lies. I cannot rebuild a relationship with someone who isn't communicating. I just don't want to be with someone who treats me that way. The only option is to look forwards and fight my own battle - the fear of going it alone - it is amazing how theraputic it can be to open yourself up to strangers.

Yep , it's good to talk for sure and it's helped me plenty over the last couple of years :))

You know when you mentioned that your ex had asked you not to say you'd split , it just say's it all really and as a CG I can really see myself there as it's all about self preservation for us . We will do whatever it takes when in that grip of addiction to mantain our appearance of " Everything's just fine with me " Like a duck in the water there appears to be no effort on top (the bit you can see ) but underneath were paddling like mad trying to keep afloat , the problem is that one day everything does turn "belly up " and you see what's been going on underneath :((.

I feel sometimes you just have to " Seize the day " and move forward with your life , you never know what tommorow brings?.

Hey gf, glad you're on the road to recovery. I have moments of realisation about secrets. It's just a way to cover their tracks, be honest open with whoever you please. Talking is cathartic. You will be amazed at how things change with friends. Go for it, what have you got to lose? Just remember you are worth far more than silence.

Day 24 I can't seem to stop running what has happened through my mind over and over again, it's like my brain is picking out the potential lies from the truths because finding out someone has been lying to you makes you question everything. So I am allowing this process to happen, it must be a natural process? There are moments when I am not thinking about how much it hurt me and then I remember. So I am sure there will be more moments when I am not thinking about him. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am letting people know gradually that we are no longer together. The duck in the water ALAN 135 is exactly right, he wants to carry on unscathed and detached from the hurt and pain he has caused. I am praying my mind can focus of useful activities instead of trawling over the details of what was real and what was a lie. Merry go round I wish I could open up to my friends locally, I suppose I am protecting his reputation.

Maybe time to stop protecting his " Rep " ? if it all comes tumbling out it could be away for him to recognise what he's doing and just remember " You didn't cause it " did he think about you ?

Hello It's day 25 since I parted with my cg bf, I am feeling suprisingly much more cheerful today. I am making small steps to fill the time I used to spend with him, replacing it with positive activites. I have been thinking about him less than yesterday, not checking my messages as much to see if he has contacted me. The hurt is easing day by day - but If I see him, I know it will all come flooding back so I am praying I don't bump into him in town. I am not tempted to contact him anymore. I am still vowing to stay single and not get into any rebound relationship. Here is to another day of coping without this person who I couldn't picture myself living without. Look at me getting over him slowly but surely. I will be happy again one day!

And here we have it. A girlfriend of a compulsive gambler who has had enough c**P!

Here we have it, one and all. Are we really going to ruin our lives, and our loved ones, over something which we have a choice to stop?

This is something which we can do something about; until, one day, we can't. Don't let that day happen.

I wish you all the best, GFofCG.

Exactly that Mixer it does ruin lives that's for sure and those that have stopped have my admiration. It's day 28 today and I haven't posted for a few days because nothing much has changed. It still hurts, I am still thinking about it most of the time and slowly coming to terms with the effect it had on what I thought was a wonderful relationship. I still have my Gamcare counselling this week. I really have no reason to go, my ex has chosen addiction over me. His addictions and secrets (there wasn't just one) are more inportant than having a loving relationship with me. The most I can get out of counselling is finding out why I didn't see the signs or red flags. How to move on and forget about him. I can't make myself stop thinking about him, I miss his famly too as they became my family. I realise addictions have played a big part in my life, I can think of quite a few people ive been around who were addicts, I don't intentially seek them out.

Hi, GF,

The counselling is about you. You, not him. The effect that this has had on you and what you might need to do to prevent next time. Because the trap that it's all too easy to fall into is to focus on the gambler and to lose focus on ourselves.

A warning based on experience: If you let yourself think that he has the problem and you don't, the next relationship will end up being with someone who is similarly unavailable to you or otherwise dysfunctional.

CW

Man reading this makes me want to turn my life around Even more! I hope things get better for you!

Hi again :)).

I guess all of us will get " Something " from councilling but what I'm not sure of , as for why you didn't notice any " Warning sign's " well , I think that's more about us CG's being good at what we do rather than you not being in the same league as Miss Marples ! . I became a master of illusion while in addiction and I'm not just talking about making money vanish without trace and shamefully I could pull the wool over someone's eyes faster than a Sheperd with a long haired flock . Excuses ! I knew them all and would use them without a second thought as long as it meant that my secret world wouldn't be in any danger of crashing down around me , so please don't blame yourself for not seeing what was just an illusion .

As for moving on and forgetting about him ? well apart from the gambling problem it's like any relationship that breaks down , I know a lot of Family liken finding out about there OH being a CG ,just as they would if he were having an affair , the lies and deceit are the same I guess and I suppose running to the arm's of gambling is the mistress in all this so maybe looking at it in this way may alter thing's a little ? .

I said the last time we spoke that's it's all quite Raw for you at the moment so maybe time's going to be the healer in all of this ? .

There's no easy way to deal with the rubbish that life chuks our way at times and I'm sorry I can't give you a solution but be strong and cdeal with what you have to on a daily basis and one day you'll be in a much better place .

Most importantly Look after you :))

30 days single today, I have taken your comments on board and have decided to continue with my gamcare counselling. You are right ALAN 135 and Cynical wife. The counselling is for me and my chance to get my head in a better place, it does feel like I have been cheated on and the gambling is mistress! Josepthwatson if my describing the effect of gambling on loved ones helps you quit then something good has come out of sharing my story. Thank for the kind thoughts it really makes a big difference. I feel I am turning a corner, not thinking about ex for at least half the day now and the anger is fading to acceptance. That is a massive step for me. My self esteem is increasing since I am reaching out to my friends and spending some good times with them. One friend who used to help support addicts gave me a lot of insight into the addicts world, I know now I did the right thing in distancing myself and don't feel guilty for that anymore.

That post sound's as though your being a little more positive about the future and I think youv'e nailed it in saying it's about acceptance and truthfully that is what it's about for either side of the fence . I had to accept that I was a Compulsive gambler and I had to accept that I and I alone was the one that had to change thing's , in the same way that you are the only one who can begin to feel better and make changes to your life .

God grant me the serenity to accept the thing's I cannot change , Courage to change the thing's I can and the wisdom to know the difference .

A prayer that just sums it all up :)) x