Exorcising my slots demons

Hi everyone,

I imagine diaries of this type are of great abudance on here and I think it is easy to see why, from my own perspective I kind of hope that potential humiliation from relapsing will be the biggest aid in my battle against these horrible games.

Because this is my very first entry I feel it is only right to give everyone a bit of background about myself as without that personal touch the words will resemble nothing more than squiggles on a computer screen.

Although not entirely relevant to the subject matter I would like to start by saying that I am a sufferer of bdd and this is a huge cause of ALL my worldly problems, this I am willing to admit is why I bet in the first place because a debilitating anxiety condition such as this can all but render a person a social outcast where only the rarest occasions/events are graced with my appearance.

It all started for me back in 2008 when I came across a method where bookies sign-up offers could be manipulated in such a way where a guaranteed profit could be made by utilising a method called "L*****". This was very lucrative and became my sole source of income due to my inability to function in normal society.

To this day utilising these offers remains my sole source of income, it does however leave me open to the pitfalls of slots as they are so easy to access when already logged into a bookies sportsbook.

My slots addiction began in late 2008 when an innocent punt on a *** casino offer resulted in me acheiving the worst thing possible, A WIN!!

I was plodding away with a £25 deposit on a game which was boring me to tears in all fairness and I figured the £1 spins would soon swallow it up and off I would go. The problem was that on my last spin I got a random win of £1,000 and I stupidly said to myself "this is like shelling peas". Within a week of winning that sum I lost it all and another £200 on top which I was furious about. I did stop playing that game at that stage but unfortunately one slot can always be replaced by another of the vast number out there.

I can't remember why now but near xmas of 2008 I signed up to jackpotjoy and started playing £1 spins on the progressive "D**** ** ** D**** " slot. The contiunance with this game was because of the jackpot round which closely resembled the TV show and it was a case of trying to get to the final box with JACKPOT inside to nail the huge £450,000 prize. In my first session with this game I accessed the jackpot round and with just three boxes left the JACKPOT was still in the game and I had it in my head that if I got down to two with it still there I would be offered a great deal option rather than wishful thinking and I would have snapped it right up. Then it happened, I got down to two boxes the following day with JACKPOT still there and I was leaping around like a basketcase thinking "here comes the big money". The two boxes left were £450,000 and £100 and my heart sank when it offered me £150 I felt robbed, cheated (I guess you have all been there). That second day of play had cost me £3,500 in the attempt to get that bloody box in the last two and it turned out to be a glorified con.

I went through a spell away after this early exchange with these cancerous games and I was all the better for it, lack of willpower though forced me into submission as I was back playing a multitude of different games and losing 95% of the time. At this point I was making much more than I was losing so debt was not an issue, I did however get the constant nausea and intense butterflies after each losing session but maybe my masochistic inner soul enjoys the torture (who knows!).

This back and forth mentality was a constant trend from 09-12 when I always made more through sports betting than I lost on slots and this made me dismiss the notion of a problem without a second thought.

In 2012 I went through a tremendously traumatic spate of events that defined this addiction, I was the victim of an armed robbery in my own home, weeks later my mother out of the blue was told she was dying and had mere months left, and then just weeks later after a night spent with my much loved cousin where I was doing my utmost to help him through is marriage break-up, he waited until I had gone home and then hung himself!

I was at my lowest ebb at this stage and gambling was my only outlet from my illness and the grief, how wrong was I?

In 1 week in January of 2013 I triggered jackpots on M***** slots, M*** M***** and ** v***** m******* (twice in a day). They were always the smallest ones amounting to hundreds each as oppose to the mouth watering top jackpots but as anyone who has won one will know, it just wets the appetite even more. This was soon reinvested (and lost) and my failure to curb this problem was starting to really take it's toll on my already fragile mental health.

In the early weeks of February 2014 I did some maths and realised I was down to just £5,000 of savings (it may seem alot to some but I couldn't work, lived in a rented flat which cost me £340 per month, and I wasn't doing what I was good at so I wasn't earning anything at all and this was almost the end of the road.

Then lady luck smiled down in the most emotive way, I was punting AGAIN on W****** **** ***** slots and was about £1,000 down out of the £5,000 I had left it was all going the way any non slot player would expect (badly) and I thought I have to win, my attempts were intensified by my stake increase to a crazy £4 per spin. The word emotive stems from the fact that this was my mum's birthday the first since she died in April 2013. Then it happened.....V-E-G-A-S spelled out across the reels and from here I entered the jackpot round. It was surreal because I wasn't even interested, the constant dissallusioned feeling I had led me to believe it would insult me with the base level £50 jackpot and then it came up, you have won £21,000. I was beyond happy, praising the gods and crying with the belief that my mother had smiled down on me and somehow overpowered this coin swallowing behemoth.

I withdrew all of it barring £1,000 and proceeded to lose that, I didn't mind this because the size of the win had given me great breathing space and for the first time in months I was sat feeling immense calm and serenity.

You don't need to be a nuclear engineer to work out what happened next, by early may I had £3,000 left (£2,000 less than before I won it). I sat at home with a dozen packs of 500mg Paracetamol and contemplated making an attempt on my life but the image of my kids faces in my mind's eye just caused me to be immensely angry instead of sorrowful and I vowed "NEVER AGAIN"

Never is a word most of us gamblers struggle with though and I couldn't stop thinking that I had blown my chance of redemption after that great win, thoughts raced round my mind and after being invited to the races for a day out with friends on Saturday May 17tth I thought sod it I am gonna stay away from this vulture (slots) for a few days and just have a blow out with friends.

I knew I only had about £2,800 of ALL my savings left and whilst ironing my shirt on the morning of the 17th I yet again succumbed but this ended in such a way that I can't really say if it was fortune or the worst possible thing. It was on autoplay at £4 per spin and in 5 minutes was down to £150 from £500. I thought SCREW THIS and thought I am having 15 more spins at £10 this time and that is it after this. After 7 spins it happened.......V-E-G-A-S. Even though I won that money before I still kind of resented the **** teasing jackpot round (pardon my french). I spun the reel and it landed on R**** *******, the word "Royal" mean't nothing to me but then the statement "You have won £179,000" filled
the screen. I gasped in amazement and was in shock for days afterwards as you would expect, I kept thinking my mother had rewarded me with a third chance (two more than most get) and this time I felt I had to take it.

I admit I gambled £3,000 of this the following day but the rest I was determined to make it work for me. I got onto estate agents and starting viewing houses for the first time ever in my life (I always rented). I bought some nice things and had money in the bank but here's the rub....I wanted something more, I started playing again and over the coming weeks I won numerous jackpots (7k, 13k, 19k) but this is not an accurate representation of my results because I was always thousands down when I won them.

It was two and fro really but in early August before I went on Holiday I stupidly went on a slots binge of £100 spins and I ended the day £18,000 down and I put my foot through my TV in anger.

I told myself one more day and I will give up and then for the third time I got lucky and won £28,000 in various wins just a day after losing £18,000.

I did my sums and realised here that I was £4,000 better off than the day I won the big one and that was my motivation to stop. I did for four weeks and then after buying my house in cash (smart move because bricks cannot be deposited on ******* ****) I was left with about £68,000.

This amount is what I ended August 2014 with, as of this morning I have £13,000 left (lost another 50k). I took the step to sign-up here before I get to the stage where my savings are gone and I have to sell my house to live off the funds.

I imagine sympathy will be scarce because of the fortune I have had on occasion but I can't stress enough that I am doing this solely to embarrass myself into action not to garner sympathy.

I don't want anyone to think that I am advocating stake increases to win jackpots as I have never triggered a single one in over 5 months at £10 per spin and that should be the only part people should take note of.

Sorry if all this was a tad long winded but as it was my first post I felt it was necessary.

Day 1 of abstinence starts tomorrow......here's hoping.

xMx