fed up with myself

Feeling much better today and a lot more positive about things 🙂 hopefully i can continue this and get lot's of gamble free days under my belt ! Day 1 nearly done x

Hi sunshine saw your name on the 2018 challenge and knew I remembered you and I found some of my old replies to your diary. I can't remember my old username though so you won't recognise the name - I think it was Dave999 but I've had a few different ones. Anyway that's not important. I'm sorry to hear you've slipped but you know you don't want to gamble and you know you have it in you to stop so I believe 100% in you.

Noticed you posted you haven't been on other diaries I have to say I don't, I used to alot but I realised I have to be a little selfish and focus on myself and my own recovery but ofcourse each person is different.

Well best wishes to you and stay strong. You'll get a handle on this I know you will.

Hey Neveragain i do remember you and how supportive you were to me the first time i was here 🙂

I'm gutted i've messed up again and been gambling the past 3 months 🙁 i feel terrible and like its got more of a hold on me this time ! just blown another £200 today on the online slots and feel sick to my stomach 🙁 why can't i stop why ?? i'ts like i'm under some kind of spell or something and just feel compelled to keep depositing and keep spinning the reels .i hate it so so much but just can't get a grip on it at the moment .Not sure what its going to take to get me to stop .i'm going through some personal stuff at the moment so think that's not helping .I'm just so mad at myself because i say i'd do anything for my kids so why can't i stop for them ? god it's so ridiculos i don't even know what to think anymore .This is not who i'm supposed to be ,its really not 🙁

Anyway i hope you're doing ok and keeping well 🙂 Take care Sunshine x

Hi Sunshine. I've read your entries and so relate to your experiences and deep deep anguish. It's as if the person who keeps pressing spin spin spin is out of control. Let's beat this horrid disease and however exciting and enthralling those blasted slots appear let's think of them like the wicked witch in Snow White who just disguises her evil by dressing up in witchcraft before handing us the poisonous apple. Sorry got bit carried away. Good luck I have faith in us both

Haha Annie your comments made me laugh 🙂 thank you

Well today is day 2 and feeling quite irratable so need to keep busy ! good job my son needs to bake cakes for school 🙂 that should keep the urges away ! i do feel kind of strange though and can't quite explain but its a feeling of not really being in the real world ,almost like i'm in a daydream .I'm not sure if it's because inside i want to gamble but on the outside i'm desperatly trying to ignore all the thoughts of the spinning reels and then endlessly trying to get those stupid bonuses 🙁 i still inside can't get over the fact that this time last year i was well over a year gamble free and my mind was'nt 24/7 occupied with all these silly thoughts .I know i need to let that go and just tell myself i've done it before so know i can do it again .It just hurts to think that this is me now having to live my life constantly battling this and always very aware that any little trigger could set me right back to the start again .Anyway enough of me rambling on it's sunny outside so going to have a nice walk and then get my bake on 🙂 have a good gamble free day everyone Sunshine x

I totally relate. It's like a double existence. When I had 160 days gamble free I was on top of work, ironing, kids homework, getting early nights and generally more time to just be. When I'm trying to stop gambling like now I, like you feel irritable. It's hard. Very hard. We can do it though. I guess our bonus is now another day gamble free. Those blasted bonuses. We will find our peace again. Take care Sunshine. Xx

Hey Annie thank you 🙂 you're comments always make pefect sense to me !

Hey diary i need to be cautious today as my last slip up was on day 4 so need to really have my guard up ! what makes it worse is i'm home alone most of the day so need to keep focused and keep busy .I'm starting to feel a bit better about eveything and generally feeling more positive .I've beaten this before so know i can do it again its just sad when i think of all the money i've wasted and most importantly all the presious time that's been wasted just watching stupid reels going around and flashing lights in an almost robotic state 🙁 anyway need to let it go and not let these thoughts have anymore headspace .

Day 4 ....I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP !!!!!!

Sunshine xxx

Hi Sunshine, good post and remain strong, you can breeze through today with positive thoughts.

All the best Wilsy

I hope today has been kind Sunshine. I know what you mean re time on your own. I used to work 3 long days tues, weds, thurs and have mon and fri off while kids at school - everyone thought it was the ideal work life balance but for me it meant sitting at the computer throwing money away from school drop off to pick up. When I spent my entire wages of over £1000 the day they went in (a Friday in Dec) I knew I had to change my work hours so now work 7.45 til 2 everyday so not home alone. I used to relish those hours but I just didn't have the money to continue and knew deep down it was destructive - looking at all the other mums at school pick up thinking if only you knew what I've spent today doing you'd be appalled. Anyway sorry to ramble but just trying to say I totally understand how daunting it is to have time at home alone. You can beat this though. I also like the phrase 'I never win, cos I put it all back in'. Take care Sunshine xx

Yes 7 days done 🙂 feeling good about this but know i still need to be cautious and not get too comfortable !

Today will be a good day and I WILL NOT GAMBLE !!! Sunshine x

Hello Sunshine. Wishing you a contented weekend free from gamling.

I like your two statements which I will use in my recovery: " I cannot win because I cannot stop." & " Today will be a good day and I will not gamble." If I can repeat those powerful statements with sincerity than I am on the right road.

Great that you are teaching your son to bake. I imagine you will both find that a lot of fun.

Take care...stephen

I literally have no words 🙁 feel disgusting

In hell right now and messed up big time trying to win back all i've lost over the past few days ! why why why didn't i just stop ? really can't do this anymore and feel lower than ever 🙁 just wish i could stick to being gamble free instead of completely f*****g up my life !

Sunshine, you may have stopped for an extended period but you went back to it, you didn’t fix what was broken inside of you! Willpower is not a strong enough weapon against addiction, it’s not going to go away. Feeling low & disgusted is all part of this as is the desire to win money to make you feel good. Get some help for you, GA, GP, counselling, stop trying to do this on your own & as you come to grips with loving yourself you will be able to both see & accept that gambling is nothing more than a crutch which brings nothing to your life!

You won’t get one by repeating the same mistakes but it’s never too late to make a fresh start - ODAAT

Thanks Odaat for your comments but must admit reading them made me have a little cry as i know deep down there's reasons why i do this but always try to just block it all out but inside something is broken and i don't like talking about it .I've always thought i could handle this on my own and get myself gamble free which i did for over 2 years but now its back worse than ever 🙁 i feel so miserable and like i'll never be free from this .Me and my husband recently separated so its been a stressful time and there's no way i can tell him about this as he thinks i'm over it and would be angry at me .I'm just going to take it a day at a time and hopefully things will get better .I've done it before so must do it again ! Sunshine x