fed up with myself

Hello Sunshine...It is heartbreaking to read of your anguish. When we don't know which way to turn the addiction can often encourage us to gamble. With feelings of losing control comes panic, fear and loneliness. At times like this gambling is simply born out of desperation.

It is very difficult to overcome the gambling urges without support. Even if there is no one to handle your finances it would maybe help if you had someone to confide in. No one is an island and a problem shared might not seem so insurmountable.

Take care Sunshine.

Hi Sunshine, I get you completely and still I find myself getting low and it's so hard to block out what is happening in our world's without the gambling which we would normally turn to, to run away from the hurt we are feeling.

Stay strong and each day hopefully will get easier. Bloody rotten addiction this is, destroys so many lifes and peoples confidence in themselves and their futures.

Wilsy

Thank you Stephen and Wisly for your support 🙂 really means a lot x

Morning diary i'm still feeeling pretty rubbish and just wishing i could go right back to November last year and just erase all the past few months so that i'd still be in my good gamble free mindset .I feel so frustrated and just can't get rid of all these stupid feelings .I literally feel like i'm two different people because of this gambling illness .When i look back to when i was like 8 years old singing and dancing in my bedroom with my best friend this is not how i imagined i'd grow up to be ! this is not who i'm supposed to be and this makes me incredibly sad 🙁 i'm 33 now and need to find myself ....the real me ! not the gambling me !

Sunshine x

Sorry to hear about your recent separation. I would say the stress from this has been likely trigger x

Thanks Nonchaser 🙂

It's not been easy but the decision to go our seperate ways was made by both of us as we'd just grown apart .I have 2 young boys to concentrate on so need to keep strong for them .Everyday at the moment just feels like a constant battle and i feel exhausted with all these gambling thougths going through my head 🙁 i just want to be normal again

Anyway nearly another day done and dusted 🙂 keep strong everyone

Sunshine x

Please just let me get through the day without gamblng ! 'm so sick of feeling like this and all these stupid voices in my head telling me to just try £20 and you might win ... when in reality i know this won't happen and even if i do i'll lose it again .Just want to be normal again and get my life back .Need to keep focused but its so hard as i have money in my account and no blocks in place 🙁 There's nobody i can ask to do this as my family live away and recently split with my husband so got to do this with willpower alone ! just hope i'm strong enough 🙂

I’m sorry to read that you’re feeling this way, Sunshine.

These early stages of recovery are from easy. But it’s about battling through and getting to the end of the day.

Tomorrow morning, your day count ticks over another day and that in itself is a massive achievement.

Try and take your mind off all things gambling related tonight.

Maybe a book or a box set? Make yourself a hot chocolate or pour yourself a glass of wine and relax.

The better times are there for the taking, in the future. But much like myself and many, many others on the forum, they have to be earned by putting in the hard graft now.

Stay strong Sunshine and get through today unscathed.

Read plenty of diaries and draw advice from others on the forum in similar positions.

You can do this girl!

Dan x

Thanks Dan for your kind words but i've messed up again 🙁

Really don't understand why this time its so much harder ? i mean i know how good it feels to be gamble free so why do i keep on doing this to myself 🙁 i really need to get to the bottom of why i gamble and then maybe i can start to address it .I'm not one for talking about personal things but maybe that's the problem ? for now though i'm just going to start again and hope i can get to one week before messing up again ! Sunshine x

6 days ! wow that's gone quickly !

feel like i'm stronger this time and my heads in a much better place 🙂 still having urges but keeping myself busy ! i will crack this and not be beaten ! Sunshine x

Arrrrrghhhhhh what's wrong with me ? 🙁 feel so stupid ! need to stop this now before its too late 🙁

Back to the start again 🙁 funny thing is i didn't even enjoy the gamble so why the bloody hell do i do it ? seriously need to get my life in check .I have 2 beautiful little boys and they deserve so much better than this ! finding things so hard since me and my husband split at christmas but feel like i'm using this as an excuse to gamble when really all i'm doing is making myself feel worse 🙁 i need to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself as my 2 boys depend on me and i need to be the best i can for them and their future ! Sunshine xx

Wow 2 weeks have gone by so fast ! starting to feel better and like this time i can really do it .I have done more than 2 years before but when i slipped back into it around October time last year i struggled to get back into a positive mind set and felt like i'd never get over it again .Something has changed these past few days and i'm now beginning to really realise that gambling brings nothing good into my life and i just don't need it anymore ! its still of course really early days but i'm on the right path and feel this time i'm going to kick gamblings a**e once and for all 🙂 Sunshine x

Welcome back Sunshine. You are here with friends who can understand the challenges you face. It is good to see you back in recovery and 14 days away from your last gamble.

I am reminded of the expression "been there, worn the t shirt." Maybe we sometimes need to adjust the t shirt to make it more suited to the fresh challenges we will face.

I look forward to following your journey and wish you every success...stephen x

Thank you Stephen for your kind comments 🙂

well diary i'm at 36 days free and feeling really good 🙂 This is the first time since slipping back into gambling last year after a long gamble free period that i really feel back on top of things and that gambling really isn't going to dictate my life no more ! i know i'll always need to be on my guard as we're always one bet away from self destruction but this time i'm super determined and want more from my life .There's no way i want to look back in 20 years time and still be in exactaly the same place just going around in circles .I want my children to grow up being proud of me and someone they can rely and depend on .So to enable this there's absolutley no room for gambling in my life !

Take care everyone and enjoy the Sunshine 🙂 xx

Hiya sunshine, it's Dave999 aka Neveragain, but Dave999 was the name from the start of your diary. Anyway like you I went 2 years gamble free, I then needed an escape from my real world problems, promising myself it would only be the once and ofcourse I relapsed and kept relapsing. Its a shame and I feel the same that its frustrating we will always have this addiction and I'm sure it'll get easier but we must never get complacent. I recently read my diary through and I could see that complacency was setting in and I'd let the block on my phone run out and didn't renew etc.

We must fight against complacency, keep the blocks and barriers up.

I know you haven't been on here in a while but in case you still read from time to time thiught I would say hello to an old friend. I hope you and your boys are well.