Festina Lente

Gambling is Hell

Not gambling is Limbo

Moving on is Heavenly

Day 597 not a penny wasted or a second spent on gambling in all that time.

I'll catch up properly in the next few days. Wishing you all well.

Rip van winkle

Yo,

And so say all of us !!!!!!!!

Shiny xxxxxxc

YaaY.....he's back!!!!

Let the smiles and comdey return! Yabadabadoo..

Well done Steg

xx

The honourable Steg

My friend it is good to see you have maintained a gamble free status and life is treating you well.

I am glad you have returned to share the inspiration.

To abstain and maintain

I thank you for it my friend.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Steve,

It is sooo great to see your name back on the first page. Selfishly, I have really missed your posts. Am thrilled to hear you are doing soo well. Looking forward to reading your thread. -joanxxxx

Day 600, and not a penny spent on gambling in all that time, to echo the mantra of S.A. I've missed being away somewhat but it's been a time for reflection, altering perspectives and initiating further change. Firstly, I'd better mention why I left the forum for so many days and where I stand now. Even if I'm in the minority or indeed vilified I'll still believe in total abstinence as a way of progressing forward and conquering your addiction, yet I cannot impose my values onto others however I can equally not accommodate others values into my own thinking for fear of 'watering' down the boundaries I have in my mind. Other people can and that's fair enough but from my own past lapses (countless) and experiences I see a link between myself associating with gamblers and ultimately gambling. I simply don't rub heads with gamblers cos I know I'll get nits. Furthermore I've had to cement in my mind that bookmakers are a den of eniquity, a haven for lost and desperate souls, a place of depression. I can't afford to alter that image in case I reignite those emberish feelings of warmth and cosyness I once fostered. I have to hate gambling and bookmakers blindly for that's my first barrier. Anyway enough said on the matter, I do hope everyone beats this addiction but at the same time I'm not accountable for which path they decide to take.

From now on this diary will be concerning myself only.

The first thing I did 100 days ago was to see a counsellor. This was important to me because I had nowhere to expel feelings and thoughts and because I wanted to know why I was drawn into such reckless activities in the first place. The therapist was lovely and was and still is lovely to talk to. I wasted the first session by unashamedly visualising her dressed up in tacky 1970's lingerie (lime green) whilst sporting a huge Afro. Although I nodded and hummed in all the right places I don't remember much. However, the sessions after that have been much more informative and rewarding as I begin to understand who I really am. You see this has always been my problem, I constantly seek thrills, stimulation, excitement until I burn myself out or become depressingly bored. I consider myself a good, caring person but this need for risk and adrenalin has made me act in contradicting ways. Academically, I did well at school but I was always getting strapped or suspended. I got on well with all my teachers and peers but was a bit of a loose canon. At the age of 13 I was associating with 18 year olds because they were more exciting. I was regularly taking LSD, mushrooms, cannabis, uppers, downers all washed down with plenty of booze and the opposite s*x. Looking back now I realise my mistakes but I was totally drawn towards the buzz, I should have walked away but I never did. School was very good, in between the strappings, talking to's and detentions they arranged a child psychologist for me. She wasn't very exciting and nothing much changed but I do remember the shock on her face when she ultimately met my older 'friends' and my father who was a borderline paranoid schizophrenic. I went on to steal cars, motorbikes and just be part of general mayhem. Despite doing really well in my exams and going on to Art College I couldn't leave the excitement of my mates behind. I was gambling all the time now whilst in their absence, they'd move down to Brighton to rob factories. One day I got drunk, put all my grant on trap 1, it lost, then jumped on the train to join them. Again I led a double life, working through the daytime, exceeding rapidly in a well paid career whilst at night, dressed like the milk tray man opening the safe in one of many factories on the south coast. We stole countless safes from bookmakers which were all duly cut open and dumped over the end of Brighton Pier. The stupid thing was I didn't even do it for the money, simply for the thrill and risk. Totally thoughtless, totally stupid. I deeply regret those days now and my participation in those activities, I stopped doing it when someone bashed open a briefcase in a darkened office, I thought that belonged to a person who could have been given it by a loved one, all excitement was then replaced by guilt and I never went on one of their sortees since. I was 21 by then, by 25 I'd given up all drugs and had started to settle down as a person. Yet I still needed my fix, and I got that in the form of gambling. Just everyday, 'normal' gambling at first, every Saturday, couple of times through the week that sort of thing, just ticking over nicely. However, the flaws in my character, the flaws which led me astray as a teen would soon latch onto source of excitement and manifest it into an uncontrollable, manic addiction.

I've come to realise and accept that I am a manic person, if I get pleasure from something then I will do it to the nth degree. There will be no stopping me, I will be all consumed. I became a manic gambler, desperate for a fix, more needy than a *** addict. Again it wasn't really about the money, the money only enabled you to continue the buzz, the bigger the money, the closer to ruin, the better the buzz. At the start of a binge I would be relatively controlled, maybe just one bet a day, a big bet though, on average about a months wages. I would do my homework, study the form, call contacts, check every conceivable advantage/disadvantage before placing my bet at the best odds early doors. I would tingle with excitement all day, the ruinous/joyful anticipation made me feel like I was walking on air. Winning though was never enough because you can never stop and you can't allow that buzz to wane. This is when the mania really kicked in. You start to pick 2 maybe 3 races a day, do all your homework as before and try to be as watertight in your decision making as possible. Then it becomes uncontrollable, your thinking about form and horses all day and all night, waking up every couple of hours to go through the papers again. Eventually you're betting blindly on everything, huge sums of money on anything that moves. Hating it and loving it in equal measure, screaming to get off this roller coaster whilst screaming to stay on. This mania is terrible, in the end it's almost a relief when all the money is gone, the mind becomes relaxed it's only then you notice the devastation this binge has brought.

I explained all this to my therapist and she identified the possibility that I could be bi-polar (highs and lows etc). I nearly died, for a second I thought she said bi-sexual, oh how myself, Jenny and Gerald laughed ourselves hoarse in bed that night. So as a consequence of that I've had a psych assessment which confirms our suspicions. I agreed to start taking some mind medicine and I have been for about 10 days now. I was all for it, mental illness as an artist always looks good on the cv and is guaranteed to boost sales. I had my Jimmy Hendrix albums in case the pill was like LSD and my Happy Monday ones and a whistle in case it was like an E. Disappointingly, it was like none of them, totally cr**, my tramadol were better. All I felt was a little bit nauseous and a little bit more weighty round the a** and t**s. Still, I'll put this down to a bad batch and i will continue to persevere.

In all seriousness though, I never took this decision lightly and although drugs are not everyone's 'cup of tea' I felt like it was the right choice for me. If I've got athlete's foot I'll take cream, if I've got pleurisy I'll take anti biotics so if things aren't firing properly in my noggin or if it's a bit wired up wrong then I'll happily take something to correct it. It's right for me because I'm at the age now (44 last week) were I'm happy to let go of my body and mind, I'm not really me, I'm just borrowing me, ephemeral, no reason to get too attached.

Overall then things are good, I work two days a week, I volunteer mentor three children and I'm happily painting and making money too, you'll never find me Jon I paint under my German name, it sounds more bohemian, I have to have some anonymity!

Will I ever gamble again? I wasn't born a gambler but I became one. I truly believe that you can become an ex gambler, totally free from its power, to remain humble yet still conquer those thoughts that once controlled us and plagued us. How? By believing so, by never, giving up or doubting those beliefs, by being sensible where you choose to visit and socialise with, by changing your perspectives and by continually trying to understand yourself, your weaknesses and strengths and what makes you tick.

Good luck everyone and I wish you well.

Cary Grant

My dad looked a bit like Carey Grant but I won't add any Oedipal dimensions to your recovery ...yet..:-)) mwhahahahahah

Jus messin...

Really top class post there my friend and thank you very much for your post to me. Full marks and respect there for putting your money where you mouth is and I'm wondering of the time away has been a bit like Persephone entering the underworld and coming out reborn again?..

I think your decision to get help with medicine is a good one Steve. You are aware and have the full picture and can make informed choices as they say..I'm sure your zany character won't be lost as if you are still Imagining lime green outfits and Afro wigs on your counsellor then the medicine hasn't taken away your creative and artistic side in 10 days...you are still intacto...

Looking forward to more of your posts and I think your great !

Not even gonna chat gambling as so much more to life. Not sure if you like to read but a great book , true story , slim edition called "Love is where it Falls" ..it's by Simon Callow , the actor..(not that hedgehog with the belly high trousers ) lol

It's an absolute delight to read and I think you will muchly identify as an artist.

R and D ...awaiting more Steg xxx

Steve

Fella great to see you back and I hope the writing is again therapy my friend, I could have written most of your last post myself, we share a great deal of traits.

fortunatley we can both see a light.

For that I am glad, truly

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Welcome back Steg .... great to read your post here, and thanks for the pot on mine. By pure coincidence, I decided to have a look on here after having a couple of "warmerupperers" before the game tonight... ( unfortunately you will probably see the following statement as a bridge too far in our cyber connection)... I am an MUFC fan... however, for the past several months... this includes last year.. I can't bear to watch the awful football we seem to play nowadays without some sort of stimulant to make the pain more bearable.... so I have started early... as soon as I got home from work.

It was good to hear from you and also read of your further progress. It makes me wonder and consider my future progress... thanks for your honesty and strength.

I have maintained my strategy, although I am now slowly putting my faith back in myself. I could gamble if I wish to as I now have some access to my funds without having to go through my monetary custodian ( sister). However, she would find out... and at this moment in time I still need this type of safeguard against my own possible actions... Big Sister is watching me... but I am happy about that.

245 days now, and I do feel much happier. I have sorted out my financial stresses with Stepchange, I now have several choices of shirt, tie and trouser and shoe combos to choose from every morning, and a developing Terry Pratchett collection of all hardbacks plus other collectables. Probably spending too much time on *******, but it's money not wasted anymore.

Other than that... a work in progress but with a much more sunny outlook for the future.

Was in your neck of the woods on the 15th Nov... Liverpool Philharmonic.. Zappa Plays Zappa... excellent concert. Was out in Liverpool till 2am...

Anyways... I will keep reading and posting now and again...

Jon

PS: "Sham Harga had run a successful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits."

Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Hi Lazarus... great post, enjoyable read.

Things I relate to include... gambling establishments as "havens for lost and desparate souls... places of depression"... Yes!

"Acting in contradictory ways"... yes very much so.

"If I get pleasure, I do it to the endth degree"... yup!

"can't allow the buzz to wane"... exactly!

Thanks for sharing. Regards.. S.A 🙂

Steggggggggggg,

So great to see you back, yours was the first diary I caught up on... Favouritism eh ! I just love the way you write and even when taking about the serious stuff that dry don't take it all to serious sense of humour comes out.

Hope all is well with you and your still taking the meds sensible decision by the way I agree with if the leg was broke you would put it in plaster analogy .

Hope you and mazzie have a magical Christmas.

Take care

Blanco x

I must have missed the post where you said you were having another 100 days off.

Hope all is well with you and if you visit before Christmas... hope you and your dearest have a good one.

2 days to go before chill time here. But... having a mini chill tonight, warm up for Saturday... as a family Party in honour of my good self reaching the nasty 50 mark, ( on Christmas Eve), is being ... celebrated ?

Oh well... life goes on.. as always.

Jon

PS: “BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IS THAT THE IDEA?

“That’s about the size of it, master. A good god line, that. Don’t give ’em too much and tell ’em to be happy with it. Jam tomorrow, see.”

THIS IS WRONG. Death hesitated. I MEAN…IT’S RIGHT TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT. BUT YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT HAVING. THERE’S NO POINT IN BEING HAPPY ABOUT HAVING NOTHING.”

― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

Oh yeah so it's like that is it, toss us aside once you find out we are Manchester United fans, don't worry me and John will get over it lol.

Guess what ? I was behind the goal when mr white side banged that goal in against Everton in the fa cup final, so ner ner na ner..ner .....

Take care steg I hope this won't come between us lol.

Blanco. Or red to her friends

X

Day 626, I haven't gambled at all in that time nor have I felt like a punt for quite a while now. It's lovely not having that nagging impulse tormenting me to self destruct. It's been a while now since I've been taking the tabs, can honestly say I don't feel any real difference. I sleep a bit better which is ok and I don't live on 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I can still have a bevvy but I won't because I don't mix one or the other, always have done, even as a child. I do miss a drink at times along with a vindaloo. Again I can't eat a curry without a drink. If this carries on my nose will revert back from red to pink and hopefully Caucasian. 30 years of vindaloos has left me with an Albert Tatlock (Corrie) snozzle or that one from 'The streets of San Francisco,' was it Karl Malden? Whereas, I went round to my 75 year old mother earlier where she proudly showed me her stack of 57 tins of Guinness to see her through Christmas. I ate her shortbread in a huff, she hid them in the tumble dryer but I found them anyway. Left her watching Judge Judy whilst shouting 'hanging's too good for yer!'

It's been a challenging and emotional few days for me, and I don't know if this is the right place but I've got to get it off my chest because its just going round and round in my head. It's a horrible, despicable subject but nonetheless, here goes. I found out two days ago that an old work colleague, someone I'd known for over ten years had killed himself. Took himself off to a hotel and done himself in. Left a wife and a one year old son. He was like marmite, he had the character by which you either liked him or disliked him. I always thought he was odd, vulnerable, too ambitious, regimental, egotistical. I often thought he must have been bullied as a child. He had that experience written all over him. Yet he did me a big favour once, in my second year of University I nearly got expelled for telling the teacher on my placement to eff off and calling the Head a midget but he represented me when I was ready to walk and got my expulsion down to merely refitting the whole year. He didn't have to do this but he did and since then I've not said a bad word about him and defended his character loyally. He went on to get a Headship and turn a failing Primary into one of the best schools in the country. Only 43 it seemed as if further and continued success was guaranteed. That was until I heared of his death last Saturday. He killed himself, and it pains me to say it, but he killed himself because he was being investigated for downloading indecent pictures of children. Like every sane person I too find this act deplorable and sickening. I'm angry on so many levels particularly for the victim and also for the teaching profession itself. It's bad enough being a male teacher but when you read and it seems like almost daily, occurrences like these happening you feel nothing but despair. Ordinarily and probably quite rightly if it had been anyone else, someone I didn't know then I wouldn't think twice about the suicide but because I knew him and because I'd seen good in him I feel torn between anger and sadness. Plus I can't stop thinking about his kid growing up, alone now, who could have had a hero, a role model for a father but instead will have the shadow of truth hanging over him. The Head was obviously sick and had a twisted perception and indeed a hypocritical outlook regarding children, unforgivable yes, yet when I'm this close and I know those involved it leaves me emotional.

I had to get that out, it's got nothing to do with gambling but I don't really care. The whole world has a right to despise that man and condemn me for not washing my hands of him but I just can't, I'm torn.

Life's not always a barrel of laughs

Steve

Steve

Fella, it seems lots of folk have something in the closet to hide, we don't and never will know the why's or hows of this fella's case, he has taken them with him, maybe he was not bullied as a child, maybe abused?? I am a huge who fan, and mr townsend was investigated for having images to which he called research, me I fonud it a hard pill to swallow but swallow it I did.

I admire your ability to see the good, don't ever lose that my friend, to not judge other folk is a huge quality to behold.

I hope you find peace in your own mind for it.

As ever warmest regards

Duncs stepping forward never back.