Day8 - VERY hard to resist yesterday. Was easier before on-line gambling. Only saw slot machines a few times a year, so could not gamble on impulse. Need to ramble not gamble, so will carry on with dream diary. Only fragments remembered from last night. Was on a train, playing some kind of weird game. Jealously guarding my seat from others. Then was staying in holiday place that had been converted from several cottages and a road! one of the cottages is one I have often lodged in in dreams. Frequent dream is that I only have a short while to get ready for work, and baths are in communal rooms. Find it hard to find a vacant one, and then do not have shampoo for hair, or flannel or whatever. Same problem trying to find a loo at building I last worked in over 20 years ago. Buzz up and down in lift. If get out at wrong floor, have found myself heading to Scotland on train, with no stops to turn round. Also have problems getting from work place to train station. Felt real fear one time when missed last train. The only train I can get on often stops at a town about 15 miles from where I live. Had a slight break through about a week ago. Had to cross the Thames, and was able to do so on stepping stones, rather than the usual convoluted way! Big problem with walking from bus stop to home, from a time going back many, many, years. Is there a suppressed memory, or just brain using that as a metaphor? Transport seems to feature heavily. Have several times crashed my car, with no insurance., then trying to get it repaired. Also often brakes don't work -think that shows lack of control over life! Often go on holiday to Devon, always by same route, though hotels/cottages vary. Abbeys etc always the same, though none exist in real life. Often swim off the beaches, very enjoyable, although cannot swim in real life. Tornados another big fixture. Have not been hurt by one, though they often hit. I tend to be the one seeking shelter, and yelling at everybody else to do likewise. Will go over these each day, to try and find patterns. Beats gambling!
Day 9 - a bit easier - hoping this keeps up. Looking forward to dream diary - a new addiction, but al least it's free! Only fragments of dreams remain. At home, nothing like real home of course! Lots of large trees felled and hauled away. Then teaching baby parrot to fly, but being told off for doing it wrong. One of my favourite 'dream' homes is a bungalow. Absolutely huge with lovely garden. Has sometimes recurring feature, though, in that windows won't lock. I lock them, but when I try them, they are unlocked. No specific danger I am keeping out. In another dream home, it is a gang of youngsters. Sometimes they actually break in. I try to dial 999, but I can't do it, or, if I do, no-one answers. Oddly, usually ends peaceably. Will think about where all that is coming from! Another recurring theme is that I am staying with a young family. I have allowed chores to pile up, and I am deserately trying to get through piles of washing, washing up etc, and clean floors. I need to leave for long drive home, but, of course, I cannot remember where I have left car! Seems to be common theme of anxiety. Ramble over for today, early morning gamble avoided!
Day 11 - no gambling - a bit easier. Posted yesterday about train crash, thought maybe continuing today would be just self indulgent but had what may be breakthrough in dreams last night. Was at course of some kind for work. Last day, report to write and, as per, could not find blank piece of paper to write on, but then found some! Was supposed to go out to another location to train on something I knew nothing about. Complained, and was sent instead to assist police in catching knife killer (?). Had to get bus, and a bus actually stopped for me! Was being set up in flat as 'decoy' for killer, when instead was sent out on streets with a detective. Ended up with him leaving me alone in a basement, with knife killer lurking! But then suddenly realised whole course etc was elaborate ruse to see if I was suitable to join special forces! Ended up with me as passenger in car, actually helping driver to avoid accident! So am going to ramble on about crash. Was in compartment with bench seats facing each other. Sudden bang and for what seemed like forever we were thrown towards each other than back again. Men facing each other next ro me were both tall, so banged foreheads together, enough to cause bleeding. People standing in corridor thrown to ground. When movement stopped, looked out of window nearest emankment, and saw dead body on line. Had never seen dead body before, but knew that is what it was. Thought we had hit repair gang. Looked out of window on track side. A train coming out of Waterloo had crashed into front of Bournemouth train, stopping it's progress. What was left of the front of the Bournemouth train was between that, and the carraige behind ours. Felt something like a physical break in my mind. Passengers on our train started to climb out to help. Dithered. A couple of months before had been second on scene when woman knocked down by bus. Her injuries were horrific. Thank god, I mean that, although conscious she was 'out of it' . Stayed until ambulance arrived, then had to leave, so never knew if she survived. Couldn't face seeing that again, so was plucking up courage, when a young woman was lifted into compartment. Passengers had found her hanging upside down under our carraige. Very dirty, full of bits of glass, injury to back of head and leg, but conscious and not apparently in pain. They sat her up in a corner overlooking the track, and we used our coats to try and keep her warm. She said she was sitting in the front of the train. We thought the injury to her head had affected her, but it turned out she had been at front of Bournemouth train. Wanted to keep her awake, as knew this was important with head injuries, so kept talking to her. We had a 'front seat' view of the rescue operation, and I remember her asking as each person was brought out, 'are they alive'. Didn't know, so just said 'their eyes are open they must be o.k.', or 'I can see them breathing' if their eyes were shut. Clear memory too of a woman who was lying on the tracks looking up at us. Wondered why no-one gave her a coat/blanket to keep her warm, wonder now was she dead? Tracks covered in blood. First 'official' to us was policeman. I asked for help for my 'patient' but all he kept saying was 'I've lost my helmet'. Became like a black farce as groups of people kept arriving, saying that all non-injured should leave the train. Each time I said that I would not leave until someone helped my 'patient' and each time I was ignored. There were was not even a blanket available. Finally, they came to help her. As they helped her to stand she started screaming, and I was hustled out. Discovered later, by a means I will go into tomorrow, that she had severe internal bruising. Physically she recovered, mentally was a different story. Writing this has felt like lancing an abcess.
Day 12 - didn't gamble. Bit of a tricky day. Dreams bad again! Was supposed to be going to go to meeting, but didn't have minutes from last meeting. Borrowed somebody else's to photocopy, but by time had done this, meeting was over! Then had to move out of place where meeting was held, old scenario of loads of rubbish, with nowhere to dump it. Also another recurring theme, animals and how to re-home. Large rabbit, pet rats and budgies. Woke up before found solution. During clear up found myself accidentally on train. Not due to stop, but managed to get off when it slowed down. Don't feel like writing more about train crash today, perhaps tomorrow.
Day 14 - didn't post yesterday - but didn't gamble though VERY tempted. Was 26th anniversary of train crash. Don't feel like writing any more about that. More songs that speak to me, Counting Stars by One Replublic, 'everything that kills me makes me feel alive'. And a reminder why I shouldn't gamble, Stupid Girl by Garbage 'everything you had you wasted'. Have cough/cold so taking it easy today - will just wrap presents. Checked bank balance while out yesterday, astonishing to find money still in there. Remember that sub conscious!
Day 15 - did gamble, but kept to £10 - and it reminded me of why I shouldn't gamble. Later went on non-gambling zuma deluxe and finally got through level 5, whereas 16 days ago I would have been gambling on-line all night. So am not going to allow a slip to give me the excuse to go right back. Dreams very weird. One where I was in a kind of film, as a secret agent. Was waiting for a new agent to arrive, hoping it would be some famous actor, instead turned out to be another woman, who started snipng at us about our fashion choices! Were sent out on 'job'. Ended up on train. Boss, now Dr Watson as played by Martin Freeman (!) in one set of seats, then compartment, then about six of us, men and women, on bench seat facing backwards. Realised that in compartment was Holmes as played by Benedict Cumberbatch (!) with two women. Told my fellow agents he would not acknowledge us, whereupon he put this head round door, and said hello to me by name! He and the two women then proceeded to make diparaging remarks about us, but not bothered by this. Where does this come from!! In another dream, the house was invaded by storm troopers. I managed to escape, but only because I was so anxious to check my hair in a mirror, before giving a talk on my charity in a church! Final dream was bad. Was turning right in car, and child ran out in front of me. Going so slowly, I only grazed their leg. Was aggrieved when everyone started blaming me, until I realised I had driven into a sweet shop, not a road. Is this my brain telling me to take responsibility for my gambling slip? This ramble is taking the place of my early morning gambling, so will continue to post this nonsense - aplogies to anyone who reads it
Day16 - did not gamble. Have cold or something that is getting me down. Dreams were all over the place. Once again, I was at work and unable to find blank sheets of paper to write letter on. Also, Was at lecture of some kind. Lunch was served, not very nice, so took most of mine back. On the way back to seat, kitchen staff were handing out M & S meals, so took and ate one. When we got back, boss harangued those of us who had eaten one of these meals, as they were reserved for VIPs (!) Lots of other fragments - all seem so real at time.
Day18 - did not gamble today or day 17. Had a good day, but that always worries me - just waiting for something bad to follow. Drove past childhood home the other day. Had a feeling of bleakness and entrapment. Parents were youngest children of Victorian parents - and my upbringing was somewhat Victorian. Our dentist was def a s****t, but no point in trying to tell parents, they just thought a dentist should hurt you. Later in life was often praised by doctors for not making a fuss about injections. If you made one sound when he was doing his dreadfully painful injections, he would not give you the injection next time, and you knew that would be even worse. Was having a tooth out a few years ago, and dentist asked why I didn't react to an injection which had to be painful because of the positioning. Explained and he was shocked. Basically, we learnt to not complain about anything that was done to us, because we didn't expect to be believed. Think something really bad happened to me when I was about two. Only half memory, but doesn't make sense unless I was being abused. Only one other adult in home apart from parents. My only memory of him is his looking at me as if he hated me - I would have been about four. Was that because he had done something to me? Never spoken or written about this before. Used to have nightmares of something heavy lying on me, stopping me breathing. Mother did not like me or younger sister because we reminded her of her hated mother-in-law (hated for good reason). Doubt she realised consciously that she didn't like us- but never showed us any affection. Sisters who looked like mother's mother would give totally different view of upbringing, and have. Very liberating writing this - I feel sorry for those children who were my youngest sister and I.
Day 19 -did not gamble. Have remembered some happier times from childhood, but nearly all associated with father. He would take us picking wild flowers, gathering hazel nuts etc. Mother must have been there, but perhaps stayed with car? When visiting mother's mother at her country cottage would take us out, out of their way. Remember grannie as kindly, though. My life has been a bit of a mess - not trying to apportion blame, just trying to work out why. Was I born to mess up, or was it the things that happened to me? Was born left-handed, according to the nuns a sign of the devil, and wilful. Shouted and scolded until I learned to eat with knife and fork in 'correct' hands. (Aged only just 5). Had left hand tied behind back to try to make me write right-handed. Don't actually remember this, which shows mind can repress memories. Many years later class mate used it as an example of inhumanity of nuns, she didn't realise I couldn't remember. Didn't work though - but is it any wonder I have never had self confidence? Others have overcome worse, though, so it is inborn character defect? Primary school was not all bad. Had a wonderful playground. Teacher in final class was secular, and a wonderful person. When I hear a plane droning by on a summer day, takes me back to her class, sitting by window, feeling happy.
Day 20 - did not gamble. Wondering if mother was intentionally unkind. She once told youngest sister that she was 'spawn of the devil'. I used to not retaliate to her barbs at me, but I like to think if I had been there then, I would have asked 'what does that make you then!'. Youngest sister had it worse than me, as her primary school had no redeeming features. Father was emotionally distant with mother - they were not at all suited. She often accused he and I of having no feelings, could not understand that we just didn't display them as openly, and constantly, as she did. Her life was hard, very little money, too many children. She did make cakes etc for us, so maybe that was her way of showing affection. She should have been married to an adoring, long-suffering man, with, at the most, two children, preferably none. Is it a co-incidence that the only two of us who went on to have children were the two she liked? - she made them feel loved, so I guess they could give love. All very self indulgent this, but it is really helping. Read about a mother in a Kate Atkinson book in the 1950s who said to her daughter when she said she didn't like her breakfast 'well, I don't like children, we both have to get on with it'. When I mentioned this to a friend as reminding me of my mother, she was appalled. Sure she thought I was exaggerating. So it is only by writing here that I can 'get it out'. Do also talk to youngest sister, who still has phsycological problems from it.
Day 21 - did not gamble. Weirdly have been given insight to mother's point of view by novel I am reading about Elizabeth Boleyn, Anne Boleyn's mother. In the novel, she dislikes her husband. She idolises her first daughter, Mary, who was golden haired and easy going. Her second daughter, Anne, is dark and disagreeable from birth, and her mother cannot take to her. My youngest sister and I have complex personalities, bordering on personality disorder. I guess every mother wants her children to be sunny natured and 'easy'. Today, people tend to plan children, so probably cope better with what they are sent. I have felt 'lighter' these past few days.
Day22 - gambled £10. Felt very bad. Time to address more issues. Have always been 'plain'. Sisters who looked like mother did not want me as bridesmaid. Pain still strong. Thought it was normal, though, but have since realised it was attitude gained from mother, what other people think is always the most important thing - so o.k. to hurt your sister's feelings, as long as photos look good. When one sister said she was getting divorced, mother's first words were 'how could you do that to me'. Says it all, doesn't it. Wasn't really that bad looking. Missed out on marriage, partly because could not believe that I could be lovable. In which case why did he ask me to marry him?? Partly also felt could not sustain long term emotional relationship. Am def emotional c*****e. Need to remember that gambling ALWAYS makes things worse. REMEMBER THAT
Sorry you've had a lapse mimicath. Still you have written it down, owned it and there is no reason that it should lead to another. Stay strong. You've touched on some really difficult issues in your post. It must have been hurtful to have been treated this way. Don't add to it though, by giving yourself negative labels like 'emotional c*****e'. Writing this diary shows you are very in touch with your emotions and self-aware.
Make today a new day!
Forum Admin.
Day 24. Did not gamble yesterday. Thanks for comment, Forum Admin. 'Letting it all out' on here does help. Incident yesterday highlighted my dilemma between being a good Christian (which I do try to be), and following my mantra 'better to be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am not'. Was in VERY long queue at Tesco. Woman two in front, got to point of paying, and produced large number of coupons which she started sorting through. She could easily have done this whilst queuing! Voiced opinion to cashier, who defended customer. Being GC, left it at that. Would have liked to say 'well, I didn't imagine the hold up - so it must have been your fault!' Aware of other mantra though, which is GC, and taken from the facebook page of a maltreated dog (!). ''Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle'. Am working through my (many!) issues. Was born into working class family, but education and career were somewhat middle class. Suffered sometimes from 'not one of us' attitudes. Was reminded of this by crime novel I am reading. By one of my favourite authors. Village most crimes are set in is in Canadian mountain wilderness. A bit of a Brigadoon, except they get many murders! The new detective is working class, and does not understand how to fit in. The author seems to see this as her fault! All her characters are smugly (though she doesn't see it that way) upper middle class. They are not too concerned if you are a murderer (as long as you are one of them), but not knowing about art history, or serving instant coffee, would cause them to recoil from you in horror! One of the villagers runs a book shop, but used to be a physciatrist. She gave up her practice, having decided that most of her patients didn't really want to get better! At first accepted her verdict, as I am wont to do, as applying to me, but then thought she is only a crime writer, she knows nothing about mental health. Yes, I am wallowing in the past in this diary, but that is because I am trying to dig out all the buried hurts, and try to stop gambling for good. I do want to get better. Christmas is a bad time for me. It will take a lot of getting through, but before I started this diary was desparate to find a way to stop gambling. Now 24 days in, and only two minor lapses.
Still day 24. Have resolved that from tomorrow will start talking about bad things I have done. Need to face that, too.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
