Fresh start..again

Hi, just signed up to the forum today after my most recent binge gambling. My obsession is online roulette but recently turned to online slots. I am very well aware of the cycle of gambling, chasing the losses etc and thats what I have been doing. I Swear time and time again that I wont do it anymore and boom there I go again...just 200...ok my daily loss limit is 500 so i might as well use it to at least get back my 200 etc. I am a bingle gambler in that I hadnt gambled for a year or so...and then just one flutter on my brthday of 100 has led to being 7k down 2 months later. I have done this before...lost 1k and chased it and chased it til i was down 10k in one night. I was devestated and vouched never to do that again. So o as you all know the cycle continues...another 12 months prior I repeated the same thing. I would lose a huge amount in a few nights chasing my loss of that binge...cold turkey then and starighten my life and just as my bank balance is sorted and life appears good...here I go again.

My gambling started 12 years ago with a boyfirend at the time who would bet. I didnt even know how to place a bet at that time and would never got into a betting shop even. So I discovered ***** Power online as a way to place the bet. And wow the horse won..I made 160. On the same page in ***** power was a link to some game so I gave it a go...won some lost some but decided to let it alone. We had moved country and there was a casino in our new town so I would go with my boyfriend from time to time. Again I had never been to a casino before...he was the gambler. So I started playing and before you know it I was hooked losing hundreds. Difficulties occured in our relationship (nothing to do with gambling) and I found myself signing up to an online casino to play roulette.I was sad, lonely, and in a country where i didnt know many people and about to end a 5 year relationship. Looking back I hadnt a clue what I was doing...how to play..how to withdraw etc...had no idea about any of it.But it was an escape and I was devestated and completetly shocked that I had lost 1500 in one night. I couldnt believe how stupid I was.

Anyway...long story short this is where the real trouble started. I became obsessed with getting that money back. We had since split up so I think I was upset and lonely and felt if I had my 1500 back then all I had to deal with was the relationship breakup and not to be dealing with money loss as well. So the chase was on...I lost 25k in a few weeks...won it back plenty times in those few weeks but of course it was never enough. I was moving country again so had the proceeds from the sale of house and car...another 25k down on top of this!. I didnt gamble after that for maybe 2 years. And then along comes another binge session of online roulette...down 12k in one night...and another 10k to chase that loss. No more gambling for 12 months and same old story back again. In the last 12 years I have gambled online in binge sessions...gambling for a week or 2 at a time and then cold turkey...nothing again for a year or longer.I have gambled about 12 sessions maybe in those 12 years but I had lost up to now about 100,000 shock horror. I started again like I said on my birthday with a 100 online..lost it and went back a month later to have a little flutter as I had some extra cash.

After losing 4k on this latest session I purchased gamban for my PC and didnt gamble for a few weeks until the urge to get my 4k back hit me and I started up again on my phone (I tried to put gamban on it but it was not supported by android).So I have now spent another 3k trying to get my 4k back...and we all know the result...7k lost in a 2 month session. I "only" lost 500 last night..and 500 the night before! Its amazing how 500 seems like nothing when you have lost some much previously over the years. I get no satisfaction out of winning a 100...im aiming for 1000's! so small returns and small bets dont do it for me anymore.

Again i am only too aware this this is a classic gambler progression problem. Long and confusing post maybe but just typing as I think. I am lucky in the since that all the money I have lost over the years is money I have earned so as of today I am still "OK". Once payday comes I will have no credit card debt and still have some savings of 17k.But this is a paltry sum for a 42 year old who would have had so much much more if I hadnt blown the bloody lot over the years.I have no other debt besides mortgage...however I have no long term savings such as pension and that very much worries me. I do have an addictive personality as I smoke and have done since 17 years of age. I think I must kick both these additions together. Im educated, have a good enough job and you would think I am smarter than that but I guess thats the nature of the beast...it doesnt discriminate.

I really really thought after my big binge 2 years ago that I would never again do this.I remember the devastation at the time...my creit card limit was 8000 and the bloody bank allowed 12000 to be used...still disgusted that they allowed this when my cc limit was 8000. And I think this is really why I am finally reaching out...is becuase I thought I was in control now after that last big loss...and am just realising that I have been very much in denial. It has to end now because I know as much as Ive lost it could and can be much much worse. Where will it end...could i get so carried away with it that I could get into serious debt and lose my house...or take my own life because I couldnt handle the losses. I would have always said...no way...I woud never go that far...I would always make sure I had enough for bills etc. But just this week I have become aware and from reading others storeis that it can awlays get worse...and that is a very scary thought...to think that I cannot trust myself. My rational brain says...its ok you are not that stupid...but Im only just after learning that my brain goes into a trance like state and even if I won 100,000 back in the morning that would most likely feed my gambling addiction to try and earn some profit for all the stress that comes with losing and wining.I surely deserve some profit!. So I have put a self exclusion on many of the online sites...have gamban in place on my PC and contemplting leaving my bank cards at work so I cant access them at home. Im feeling confident that I wont do it again..but there are so many d**n casinos online that if truely determind then its just too easy to set up another account. Absoutley no one knows of my online gambling addiction...and its only online that I gamble. No one knows what I have lost over the years and that is the bit that is probably the hardest. I do think that if i confided in someone then I would feel more accountable for my actions...but I know how I am...independant...got myself into gambling addiction and huge losses...I need to work on that myself...and it only affects me thankfully as i am single without dependants. I doubt very much I will share my problem with family or friends.I am on here so that hopefully this online support can help me before this beast attacks again and I am forced to share this info with family or friends becasue I have got myself into serious trouble and have no other option. I am noticing a pattern that my binges come when I have extra money...I had been working alot of overtime more than usual (just by the nature of my job...not because I needed to pay gambling debts). I also got some tax back in february and I can see now that its when I have more money I go on these binge sessions.Thanks for listening...this is the first time I have ever admitted it to anyone and it feels better already putting it out there, even if it is to an anonomyous online community. Thanks...help me please!

So I fell off last night...deposited 200 and chased it with another 500.Been up all night...no sleep...feel like a complete and utter loser. Why am I doing this to myslef...the self hatred is unbearable. I self excluded as soon as the 700 was gone. But with great difficulty...that online casino sure as hell dont make it easy. Please someone talk to me...I thought last week was my last ever gamble...and here i go again.I was so positive and confident that I would be ok...and now back to square one again.I had a big win within minutes of playing...was up 700 and had to keep bloody going didnt I...till I lost it and went back for the chase. Completely disgusted with myslef

Its now 15 days since my last binge gamble...more than a months salary spent in one day..ooouch. And more than 3 months salary lost since the start of the year and we are only in April! I have a plan...a very tight strict budget for the next few months. All going well...and should nothing unexpected crop up I should hopefully have my credit card cleared by the start of June. I know it doesnt seem that long but every day seems like a life time waiting for next payday so I can see my credit card balance decline. I had worked so hard these last few months...earned alot of overtime...much much more than I normally would. I cant help but beat myself up about how much I should have actually saved since the start of the year with all this extra income.And instead I am spending every available penny paying back a credit card bill. It hurts so much to know that I have done this to my self. What kind of self destruction path was I on...I dearly hope I will never ever face this problem again. What a waste of a life. Its such a sickening feeling. I was in the supermarket the other day...and for the first time ever I paid so much attention to the prices...and bought the cheappest products I could. Its amazing that I was swapping out the products just to save £0.20 here or there...and yet 15 days ago I was putting £20 spins on the slots every few seconds...without a thought.Maybe this lean period can teach me the value of money again..

Hello all, well its one month today since I had my last blow out on the online slots losing thousands. The urge is getting less and less and I seem to be more focused on cutting down my debt as soon as I can. I think this is the main reason why Im not gambling...I simply cant afford to. But the worrying thing for me is that Ive been here before..in fact several times before. Once the credit card debt is cleared and I've built up some saving again, that is the time that I tend to fall again. I somehow forget all the pain and misery that the gambling brings...right now I feel like I never want to be in this situation again. BUT...like I said I am afraid that once this debt crisis has eased, the pain is soon forgotton and I will do it all over again. Any help or tips greatly appreciated to ensure I dont end up back to square one again. I have self excluded and have a block on my PC.Thanks

Hi guys, please someone say something comforting! I have been on here alot, reading stories and trying to help others. I found that it was really helping me alot...til last night. I dont know what happened...reached for my phone (access blocked on pc) and even knowing all I know about the gambling cycle, I still went ahead and destroyed all my hard work. Major damage...8500k in 4 hours. The huge amount was definately fuelled by alcohol. I drank my way through almost intentionally to be 'brave' enough to make some big bets. On the other hand, I cant really blame alcohol at all as the last few binge sessions were completely sober! I dont know what planet I was on..why the heck did I do it.Needless to say, today has been a very unproductive day. I have done little except wallow. Although Im absoutely disappointed in myself I have a strange sense of calm...its possibly numbness. I have sat down and made a plan to get a low interest low tomorrow to pay this all off my credit card. I think I will take it over 3 years and hopefully hammer it as much as I can and pay it off well in advance of that. I have another loan that is finishing in 2 months so that will help alot.My loophole is my phone...I have tried gamban on it before but it is not supported on my android. I am currently trying to put netnanny on it...but its not working for some reason. Any advice on what I can put on?. Also I have found out today that the reason I cant use gamstop is because it is only for UK residents...it wont recognise any other overseas postcodes which is a shame. I have googled addiction counsellors in my area and I really think I better go see one as my will power alone has proved me wrong. Its obvious that I cannot do this alone now. I just want to live a normal, calm life, too exhausted from it all for any more drama. I hope anyone reading this will realise that the d**n addiction is always there...lurking to take advantage at any opportunity. And it bit me in the **** big time last night. I havent managed to eat a thing today...literally my gut is wrenching. I was so much looking forward to the next pay cheque to be clear of debts and start living again. And here I go with the self destruct button just when things are starting to look up. I suppose all I can do for now is to try and close those loopholes so I can gamble...becuase history is repeating itself and letting me know that I am never safe from the urge overpowering me. I didnt want to come on here and admit my failure, I feel like such a fraud giving out advice to others when I couldn't manage to follow it myself. Im glad I came on...even writing it all down here is a help mentally. I need your support and help guys..I cant do this alone.

I lasted 6 weeks GF from the time of coming on here til this latest devastation last night. Hopefully I will never ever have to come on here again asking for comfort because I fell off the wagon. I have to do it this time...I need to start filling the voids in my life with other positive things. I need to beat this addiction...and other like smoking. Thats for another day! Today is day 1 of my new improved life.

Make the step and register with gamstop.co.uk ; self exclusion from every major online casino in UK

Thanks for writing here caught up. I had a look through your diary and it was like looking in a mirror in many ways... thought process are very similar.Well this is day 2...I didn't sleep very well at all last night.Woke up and it crossed my mind not to go to work today.But I knew if I stayed home...what would I achieve..nothing.Just a day of self pity and wallow.At least being at work I am mixing with people...unlike being at home alone.So am glad I made the effort and didn't call in sick. I phoned the bank about the loan...thankfully I can get a secured loan so the interest is low..5.4%...this is probably a better option than leaving it on my credit card at 20 odd percent.8000 loan will clear my credit card but it still terrifies me because if anything happens unexpectedly then I have no reserves.I have kept 1000 in an online savings account just in case...not a lot but hopefully can add to it next month as credit card will be clear.I know this post is all talk about money...and that I need to focus on the real problem which is the addiction.But right now I need to do the practical things like sorting the debt into a manageable plan so I can breathe long enough to take the next step.Thanks for reading..the realisation of what I have actually done is unreal.I haven't told anyone and really don't want to.I am going to arrange counselling as the next step.

I am re thinking the loan option.Maybe I don't need one.I have enough in the savings account to take the 8000 from there and pay my credit card in one chunk.I would then be ready to start saving again next month to try and replace this money ASAP. Not sure what's the best option...if I take the secured loan then I won't have access to my savings at all even in emergency until the loan is paid in 2-3 years.Not sure what to do.Maybe it is a better option not to have the loan...I like simplicity...so I'm thinking I might be better to just clear the debt with savings...and then I have only one area to work on...re building that savings account.I am better at focusing on a single task than trying to juggle stuff i think!.This is my thinking out load space!!It has taken me the last 3 years to build up that account to 12.5k...and now wiped out 8k of it in 4 hours!!What an absolute a**e I've been...no words!!

Hi,

Genuinely feel terrible for you. Don't ever think you can't offer advice to others though, as we all need to learn from each other. My advice for what it is worth is don't take the loan and use your savings. I've been tempted to relapse myself countless times over the last few months, and the thing that stops me is not having a significant amount of money (as it's with my partner). I can understand how tempting it is with £12.5k just sat there. So if you can't get Gamstop, you need to change something ... reduce your savings account so you can't get tempted, pay off the credit card and save the interest on the loan. As your savings start to build again, think of some way of making the cash slightly harder to get at ... some account where you don't have instant access maybe? Hang in there, we've all done stupid things (otherwise we wouldn't be on this site). Rich

Thanks Rich.I agree...I'm not going to take the loan.I feel psychologically that it will be a better option...my initial thoughts was a loan..but the more I thought about it..it didn't sit well with me.I have a cc limit of 8000..but I had already 1400 on it so the bloody bank should not let those transactions go through...you would think.But they did this before as well...they allowed 12k transctions in one night a few years ago...even though my limit is 8k.I can reduce this limit right down to 1k maybe so that I cant do such damage.I also wonder if I phoned them. .would they put a block on any money from gambling transactions.Not that I'm going to gamble again. ..but I need to protect myself...as obviously I can't trust myself after booze!

Trying very hard to get a block in place for my phone...am trying netnanny at the moment but am having issues. Hopefully will be resolved tomorrow so I can close that loop hole.

Wooohooo Im SAFE!!! Well...much much much safer! Netnanny is on...and its working! What a relief...I will sleep better tonight knowing my access is denied!

I made up a random password and have now burned it...I hope this doesnt cause any issues later!