Day 4. Coming to terms with my last big binge. Feeling positive today. Been doing alot of internal searching and coming to realise that part of my big problem is that I am a bit of a perfectionist. I like to focus on one task at a time and do it really well. I am not great at multitasking...as I never feel like Im giving anything my all. So instead of trying to balance things in my life...I focus on one aspect and cant seem to move forward until that part is taken care of. In simple terms I can see that for example...being low on funds or having to pay a debt off a credit card (I'm not even talking gambling related)..just in general...I focus on that and isolate from everything and everyone until that task is completed. But of course isolation is a huge issue...it is not a good thing to do. Then this leads me to being low and somewhat depressed and had led to these gambling binges. I know its not as simple as all that...but I am realising that isolation is what has helped me dig this hole bigger. I did the same with cigarettes the last time I tried to quit. I wouldnt go out with my friends to the pub for fear of slipping so instead I stayed at home feeling sorry for myself. I did manage to stay off them for 4 months...but I had gained so much weight in that time that I now started isolating until I lost the weight!!! So I tackled the weight...lost it all...and find things very easy to do once I only have that one task to focus on. But of course life is not like that....you have to constantly juggle alot of things....getting the balance right is whats important. I dont seem to be able to do this. So inevitabley my life is very off balance. I don't expect anyone to read this...its boring...Im just thinking out load on my diary trying to rationalise my life. I now know what I need and that is balance. I am thinking here...that even when it comes to excercise...I wont just randomly go for a walk because its a nice evening...I need to walk 5 miles a day for 5 days!...otherwise why bother! This is nonsence behaviour but I see it in all aspects of my life. Im either eating really healthy and feeling great.When Im in that zone...I wont even have a biscuit. But when im not in that zone, I will have the whole packet. I can feel as bad for having that one biscuit when I shouldn't....as when I have eaten the whole packet when I wasn't in that 'zone'. BALANCE! and moderation...I havent seemed to tap into those life skills. Same with the cigs...if Im smoking I smoke alot...wont just say...have 5 today and no more. Im either smoking or Im not. Just thinking out load here and writing my thoughts. Im hoping these thoughts will help me to unravel some stuff when I go to see a councellor about my addictive personality. If you have managed to read all this..go ahead and have a biscuit...you deserve it!!
Day 6....no gambling urges but feeling a bit c**P about how much Ive lost this year...19,500 since december...w*f. All savings gone down the swaney...all the hard work I did to earn that money etc etc etc. I swear even with all the money I lost over the last 10 years I didnt think I had a problem. I knew I was compulsive and a 'problem' gambler...but Im only realising since March that Im a serious addict. I genuinely never thought that before...denial...head in sand I guess. I mean how many wake up calls does one need!! Anyway...just having a rant...all good...one week tomorrow! Blocks in place etc so feeling safe enough for the wknd.
Although I have absouelty zero intent on gambling today or ever again...I left my credit card at work for the weekend because I im just not sure what Im capable of. Zero intention...but just in case some steak of madness comes over me...I dont have the ability to go online with the blocks...and now no access to money. I have mixed feeling about this. I know its the smart thing to do...but just cant believe that I am afraid to trust myself. Better safe than sorry.
day 13...all going well. I keep reading these diaries...it definately helps to remember how shiity the gambling cycle is. The pain has left me...I dont feel so desperate anymore. But I am very aware that this is a dangerous place to be as once the pain eases, I tend to fogret how aweful gambling makes me feel... and could be tempted to go back for a hit again. But blocks in place...netnanny on my phone which is ggod...but annoying also. It drains my battery very quickly but better to have it even if I have to charge my phone several times a day! Credit card still at work...best place for it until I get to the stage of being confident I can control any urges. So yep...day 13 all going well!
day 18...so far so good. No urges. Depression has lifted. Keeping busy. It still hurts me reading the stories on here and seeing how many lives are affected by this aweful disease. I really wish the govenment would step in and ban darn bookies and casinos and the ease of online gambling. It absoutley ruins so many lives....I find it hard to accept that this can be allowed to ravange our society and the powers that be turn a blind eye. I mean who of the regular folk actually benefit in any way whatsoever from gambling...Even pubs wont serve you if you are too drunk...but the gambling institutions are allowed to just keep taking and taking...its truely aweful. Rant over!...I aint giving them another cent.
Hi, I’ve recently joined GamCare. How are you keeping? Have you managed to stay clean since your last post?
Hi 3CP...yes all good...gamble free thankfully. Since coming on here in March, I had a few lapses....once major one after 6 weeks gamble free...I think that was my real wake up call.I feel very different this time...this time I will do it. 18 days in...early days but I am completely done with this shiit we call gambling...it ruins lives...there is absoutely nothing in it that I find attractive anymore. Thank god for the shift in my mindset...not sure how it happened to be honest...but my head is clear and I am feeling strong that I will beat this. Read lots of storeis, learning about addiction, and generally being mindful of my emotions in the last few weeks has helped me greatly.Also...finding things in my life to be greatful for and realising that no matter what has happened...it could always be worse. I hope my mindet and attitute continues! One day at a time.
Day 20...the days are adding up fast. No urges...once again looking forward to pay day. No sure why I cant seem to move past focussing on money. It just feels so shiite that I have been such a mug throwing my hard earned money away on gambling. Definately feeling remorseful, but determined I will not gamble again. Feeling a bit low today...probably just tired.Tomorrow will be a better day!
22 days and counting...looking forward to payday still! I got some extra cash unexpectadley..not much in the grand scheme of credit card debt but paid it into my credit card. It hurts that that money could have been a nice treat and instead Im paying it towards debt...thats upsetting to say the least but at least Ill be getting closer to getting rid of the debt I guess...
Hey Valdab, well done for completing 22 GF days. Keep up the good work and hope you have a great week ahead. Take care.
Pras
Day 26...all going good. I transferred all the money from my savings account to pay off my credit card before the due date. It hurts badly to do this and see the saving account almost depleted. But I guess it makes sence rather than trying to pay off the credit card month by month and incurring huge interest. So payday in a few days...credit card balance 0...time to start saving again. Gambling days are well behind me now...I hope I will never ever succumb to any urge to gamble in the future. I know happiness is not found in having money...but it still hurts that I have thrown away so much. I could have bought a brand new car with what I have gambled since decmeber...
30 DAYS!!!time to start building some savings...my account looks miserable but I have a monthly plan so by the end of the year things should look a bit better.Still gutted at all that I have lost but no thoughts of gambling at all so that is a positive thing!
Well done Valdab,
You are making some seriously massive steps forward after a few blips along the way. Great that you actually had some savings left and used them to such great effect. I.e. to pay off a high interest rate card instead of pumped straight back into the clammy hands of the casino owners.
Keep up the great work!
40 days today...just reading back through my diary and it feels so strange reading it. Its like another person. The past month has flown by and I cannot beleive how differently I feel today compared to the crumbling mess I was only a short month ago. I keep reading on here but havent been posting so much lately. Hope everyones journey to recovery is going ok.
Hope your still staying strong valdab?! Love reading your feed!
Keep up the good work.
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